When to disclose an abusive past?

[yellowsmileyface]

Inspired by another thread, in which it was highlighted that disclosing a history of abuse to a new partner could potentially make you a target again.

So I'm curious, when is a good time to open up about such things? I'm currently single, but I do have a history of being abused. So I suppose I'm asking for future reference (and for anyone else this is of relevance to).

I know of course there's no exact amount of time to wait and it will depend entirely on the individual relationship. How do you know when it's safe to open up to someone about it?

It's tricky, I decided to never be in a relationship because things 'normal' people do such as get married etc is too hard to explain, my mother was abusive, violent and sadistic so having to explain why parents weren't there or never meeting them or estranged siblings was just too hard and without explaining people would presume it's my fault somehow.

I'm saying this because now I'm much older I know I missed out so if you can and are able to trust someone do open up, the right person will understand.

I was open and honest at the beginning because that’s who I am but then it wasn’t something I could hide with on going court. I was absolutely not looking for a relationship at all but this guy just was something special. He has been nothing but supportive but I had support elsewhere also.

I had done the freedom programme and worked to get to the core of what I brought to the relationship that wasn’t necessarily great and worked in that. I was on the look it for reg flags but no longer do anymore as he is a darling.

I’m a very trusting person though, perhaps too much,I’ve tried not to be but I am. So to compensate I make sure that I have my boundaries firm and build trust.

I think the more important thing is having a clear understanding of how the abuse entered your life in the first place (ie were you raised by abusive parents, did you miss red flags in an abusive partner when you were getting into a relationship with them), so know clearly what healthy and unhealthy behaviours to look out for in potential partners before you would feel comfortable moving to a more intimate level of personal disclosure.

It's also important that you clearly understand how the experience of abuse currently affects you (do you have trouble trusting people and require a higher level of openness than others might need, are you easily triggered by certain things that your partner will need to know about, do you fall into people-pleasing behaviours to avoid conflict) and that you are able to articulate these things to your potential new partner once you have built up a certain level of trust that they are a healthy person for you to be with.

The same as anything else in a relationship: you do it when you want to, rather than looking for what other people think is 'right'.

There's no right, wrong, good advice about stuff like this. It's like saying 'When is the right time to have sex?' It's got to be based entirely on your own feelings, and your partner must respect that. You could talk about it in the first few weeks, you could wait ten years. You might never say anything. All fine.

I told my Fiance on the second date. We were chatting about our past a little so I told him. I didn't tell him all the details then just that I had been very badly abused by 2 different exes. He now knows everything but he's nothing but loving, caring and supportive.

Thank you everyone for the helpful responses!

I'm so happy to read that some of you have found loving, respectful, supportive partners. Lovely to hear some success stories as sometimes the posts on MN can feel somewhat deflating.

Indeed learning to enforce boundaries is paramount. I suppose a potential abuser will abuse regardless of when/what you tell them, so it's more about healing first, enforcing boundaries, and attracting the right type of person, then disclosing it when it feels right.

Enforcing boundaries is a one step process: If someone makes you feel shit, you put distance between you and them.

Very very simple. People complicate it with things like 'But what if it's my fault?' and 'But what if I'm just over-thinking?' and 'Perhaps I'm being over-sensitive'. But that fact is, who ever is at fault, however much you're thinking, and however sensitive you are, you need to move away from the source of the shit feeling.

Honestly, I battled for years with boundaries, and the penny dropped like a ton weight one day when I was out walking: If I want to be happy, I need to spend all my time when I'm not alone with people who make me feel supported, loved, appreciated etc, and everybody else needs to be away from me.

It's nothing about 'attracting the right kind of person'. Abusers don't have a radar for people with poor boundaries: they try their shit on everyone they come across. Some people (those with boundaries) get clear of them as fast as possible, and others (with weaker boundaries) allow them to hang around.

Disclose whatever you want whenever you want. It doesn't make you more or less likely to be abused. What makes you more likely to be abused is allowing someone to cross your boundaries repeatedly. If you tell them they did something and you didn't like it, and they choose to carry on, knowing it makes you feel shit, get away from them. That's it.

@TheFoundation fabulous post, thank you 🙏

@TheFoundation that’s how I look at it now after years of what was wrong with me to attract that. I overshare, I care, I want to help etc and I hated those parts of me after him. But now I see there is absolutely nothing wrong with any of those things. I have an amazing boyfriend now and I still do all of those things, overshare etc. The only difference is there isn’t a single part of him that makes me feel scared. All I had to do before was to listen to that voice inside that said I’m scared and take action. My inner voice with my boyfriend now says I’m happy, im safe and I can be whatever I want and not be scared….therefore the poor guy gets to listen to me all the time… well not all the time but I can tell him my inner feelings.

@Doyouever I have a similar story.

I spent years trying to work out what was wrong with me. Then one day someone said to me 'The only thing wrong with you is that you think there's something wrong with you.'

Brilliant.

It's fantastic when the lightbulb comes on, isn't it? When we realise we don't have to do tons of work changing ourselves, and all we have to change is who we choose to share ourselves with. And that there's no right or wrong way to be yourself, you literally just have to simply do what you feel. Hope this is of some use to OP... there's no right or wrong, because there's no rules.

That's very insightful @TheFoundation , thank you.

If I had a penny for every time I've wondered "am I being too sensitive?" I could buy my own private island! It's liberating to realize that I don't need to be wasting my time agonizing over such questions and just listen to my intuition instead, and if I can do that, things don't need to be complicated.

To be honest I had always been under the impression that abusers could sort of sniff out vulnerable people. Good to know that's not the case.

I felt massively liberated too, when I realised that. I can be as sensitive as I want. I make the rules; it's my life. Nobody gets to tell me anything about how I am or should be, because why do they think they know better than me?

'You're being oversensitive' means 'You're being too sensitive for my preferences', which is very different. We weren't put here to cater to someone else's preferences, right?

Also, I was terrified when I realised this stuff to start with, because 'I'm in charge' means 'I'm responsible'. And that's big. There's a whole human being here (me!) who needs taking care of. She has an inner child who still has tantrums, so I'm responsible for a little kid, too. She has people who tell her what to do who I need to tell to fuck off in some way, she has situations that make her unhappy that I need to get her out of. The terror of the responsibility lasted about 3 minutes, and then I carried on with my walk a changed person: upright, self respecting. It was astonishing really. A lifetime of self-beating, gone.

I hope you can do the same. It can all be summed up by finding a deep meaning in the phrase 'Take care of yourself.'

Personally, it will depend on the person. I will look out for my own red flags first.

Despite marrying an abuser, I think I'm quite sensible when it comes to dating. I'm not ready yet but I know my red flag radar will be on high alert - because like you, I'd be worried I'd be talking about my abusive past to a potential abuser.

But like already said, it's all about boundaries.

I do think I'll also feel the need to sort of get it off my chest if I did like someone so I knew if they wanted to stick around.

3 dcs to 2 different dads. One a compulsive liar and cheat, the other I married - a coercive controller and narcissist.

I do feel I carry a lot of baggage but that doesn't change who I am as a person x