I’m not my husbands type

[Honeyandlemonnn]

So I’m not my husbands type . I was aware of his ex being a white Eastern European woman which I didn’t care about. But I didn’t know that’s all he dates . I found this out recently when I was using his old phone , a phone he used before meeting me and there was many women on his phone . 99% of them were all white. I just feel insecure now and can’t seem to get over it especially since I’m wondering if he’s even attracted to me . I keep thinking about his previous relationship and how obsessed he was . This is what I’ve heard from others . Even got her name tattooed after meeting her and brought her around his whole family instantly . With me I waited many years to even be brought around his family even then it was only because I fell pregnant . I’m wondering if this was the case because I wasn’t his type . I don’t know why he’s with me . This has upset me I feel distant towards him. I just need advice on how to deal with this. I don’t want to feel so insecure and down. I just feel like I’m not good enough . A lot of this stems from my childhood where I grew up a family that caused a lot of my racial insecurity , it took me a long time to get over it now I feel like I’m back there again.
Any advice .

You have to remember that he MARRIED you.
They were good enough to be a girlfriend but not a wife.

@Itsmeandhim i keep thinking this but im still very insecure

Does he definitely have ''a type'' though.

My type is people I feel comfortable with.

If you were his type, you'd find something else to focus your insecurity on. The 'type' thing is just a symptom, not the actual problem.

How come you don't know why he's with you? Does he not offer you love in a way that's convincing to you?

@Itsmeandhim

You have to remember that he MARRIED you. They were good enough to be a girlfriend but not a wife.

While this would seem like a reassuring thing to say, the OP needs to know that she is good enough full stop. Not compared to previous girlfriends. Just good enough. Relax in to who you are @Honeyandlemonnn

I have a 'type' of man I'm typically attracted to. My DH doesn't tick any of my usual boxes, however I fell for him really quickly and 12 years later we are still together and happy. If I crush on a celebrity or take a second glance at a man in the street, you can guarantee he will fit my 'type' however DH isn't insecure about this as he knows I find him attractive, I love him, I am married and committed to him.

Does your husband show you love and affection and make you feel secure in your relationship? I feel this is likely about more than his type. He married you, but if he isn't making you feel secure in your relationship I can understand your feelings.

I think you need to be talking to someone about this, maybe even counselling online or by phone would help you deal with these feelings of inferiority from your childhood. Because it would be very sad if you sabotaged your relationship by constantly revisiting this insecurity.

The Feeling Good Handbook by Dr David D Burns might help you to reframe these negative thoughts as well. Remember the only 'evidence' you have of this is your thoughts, it doesn't sound like anything your husband has done or said. You are comparing yourself, no one else is doing that.

And as pp said, not just your relationship, most of all you deserve to be happy in yourself.

I do get the childhood issues following you around though. As a child, my parents just would not hear my perspective. They still don't and now that I SEE that they won't hear me, it's very triggering.

When I was just gaslit in to thinking ''if only I could phrase this differently and make them see'' then it was upsetting but I didn't know why. It's almost worse now I understand what's happening.

I had therapy for 18 months and I'm so glad I did.

Have you looked in to practice of self-compassion @Honeyandlemonnn??

I really rate it.

1. acknowledge that this is a difficult feeling, it's horrible to feel insecure, it's threatening
2. realise that other people feel these feelings too and nobody else likes these feelings either. Everybody struggles with something.
3. these feelings will pass. These feelings of insecurity do not define you. They're passing through and you can let them go.

Self compassion is half yin (soothing, comforting, validating) and partly yang, protecting, motivating, providing.

So you give yourself what you need in difficult moments. You don't berate yourself for feeling insecure. you give yourself what you need.

It's worth looking in to if you're plagued by feelings of not being good enough.

I've been where you are, and it's a horrible place to be.

Does he definitely have a type? White women is quite broad, and especially if he is white it may be that those were just the people in his social circle?

Even if he does have a type, what we are attracted to changes over time.

I know it feels like he preferred someone else because they met his family sooner and he got a tattoo, but maybe he decided after that that he wouldn't jump in head first again and wanted to take things more slowly with you.

Was your pregnancy planned? (sorry if that's too personal!!) At the end of the day, he wouldn't have married you if he didn't love you. Have you tried asking your DH what his favourite things about you are? It might put your mind at rest.

Most of my exes weren't my type looks wise tbh!

I like men that are a bit rough around the edges, beards, tattoos etc but nearly all my exes were clean cut, office workers.
Doesn't mean I didn't love them or wasn't attracted to them

Some people don't even have a "type"

I remember sitting with a friend and listing all the things we used to say we didn’t want for our future dh (trivial ones, body type, hair/skin colour, nationality, age, etc)

We each married someone who had all the things we didn’t want.

We've been married 30 years.

Those ‘types’ are meaningless, what you need in a marriage is a deep connection, which transcends such details.

Hmmm from the title I thought he had actually said to you that you were not his type, but in reality you are assuming you're not his type based on what you know about his past relationships, which is probably very little.

For all you know, what those women and yourself might have in common is your kindness, intelligence or sense of humour. Maybe that's his type, and nothing to do with the colour of your skin, size, etc.

I understand where you're coming from, I have been very insecure in the past and compared myself to my partner's exes, but you have to remember that you only know a sliver of their story and there is so much more to a person than what they look like.

As for the things he did with someone else (e.g. introducing to family earlier), that might have to do with a change in him rather than you. Maybe he got tired of introducing new gfs that went nowhere and he didn't want to do the same with you. Again, we learn from our good and bad experiences, but that doesn't always have something to do with our current partners. Imagine if he found out you, say, moved in with your previous partner in a matter of weeks and with him you have waited for twelve months, maybe he would think you loved the other person more when in reality what's probably happened is that you have become a little more sensible thanks to that experience.

I you hold insecurities in regards to your racial background, I would encourage you to seek help. You got this!