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Original poster

Saying stuff like this to child…

53 replies

Leoleo1 · 12/01/2022 07:25

If your oh said stuff like this to your child how would you react or feel-
Don’t get married
Woman only want to spend your money
Women bleed you dry

OP posts:
Bluebluemoon39 · 12/01/2022 12:38

It's a horrible way to think. He's very misogynistic and is passing that on to his child. Lovely!

My dh always said he didn't want to get married, he didn't make comments like your oh (I wouldn't have stayed with him if he did!) but would skirt the subject and wriggle out of conversations saying things like "oh, we're just happy as we are - we don't need to get married". But when we were starting a family I put my foot down and we had a heart to heart - it turned out he had always been advised by his parents and also some business associates of his not to marry (he's a wealthy guy). I pointed out to him how unfair this was to me and our future dc's and also how it basically signalled that he didn't trust me. He mulled over the things we discussed and realised he was being out of order to expect me to enter into having a family (and potentially giving up work and everything that comes with that)but give me none of the security that HE had. We are married now but it did only happen because I educated him about the reasons why it usually isn't good for women to have children and not marry.
Because he's a good guy he was able to admit he'd been wrong and that he wanted me to have that security- after all, I was giving him something he dearly wanted - a home life and family.

After all, if you have children with someone - why would they want to put you in a vulnerable position unless they were more concerned about their own finances rather than the woman/children they purport to love more than anything?

I think his parents are arseholes for trying to force this mentality onto him - his dm in particular is quite a strong woman and I was surprised she seemed to think her son should have all the benefits of marriage without any of the legalities. She may as well have taught him he could go through life having his cake and eating it, even if it meant putting his family in a vulnerable position.

A lot of people are just very money minded though.

Your oh saying this stuff to your ds will shape the way he feels about women/marriage and could affect him negatively in the future. It's rotten.

BootySOS · 12/01/2022 12:48

Well. I don't agree with what he said necessarily ..

however if my daughter was getting married and had significantly more financial security than her partner (we will be buying her her first home once old enough) I would very strongly advise she protects her assets and speaks to a financial advisor before entering in to marriage. I'd also encourage her to ensure she partners up with someone who is also financially stable and in a similar financial position if possible.

We know how many marriages end in divorce and we know that there are plenty of cock lodgers.

So yes, when she is ready and old enough (not a kid!!) we will discuss it.

Wreath21 · 12/01/2022 13:04

I would be concerned that this man's contempt for women would translate into abuse of me. Have a good think about how he treats you, OP. Lots of little 'jokey' putdowns, by any chance? Anger or sulking when you disagree with him, don't want sex when he suggests it, ask him to contribute to the housework?

Original poster
Leoleo1 · 12/01/2022 13:20

Very good advice thank you
i am not as good as putting it into words as you lot when i have sooken to him

OP posts:
Thelnebriati · 12/01/2022 13:35

Does this kind of behaviour count as parental alienation? If so then surely it must count as unreasonable behaviour, if you are looking for grounds for divorce.

Original poster
Leoleo1 · 12/01/2022 13:46

Not married @Thelnebriati

OP posts:
Coronawireless · 12/01/2022 14:15

@Bluebluemoon39

It's a horrible way to think. He's very misogynistic and is passing that on to his child. Lovely!

My dh always said he didn't want to get married, he didn't make comments like your oh (I wouldn't have stayed with him if he did!) but would skirt the subject and wriggle out of conversations saying things like "oh, we're just happy as we are - we don't need to get married". But when we were starting a family I put my foot down and we had a heart to heart - it turned out he had always been advised by his parents and also some business associates of his not to marry (he's a wealthy guy). I pointed out to him how unfair this was to me and our future dc's and also how it basically signalled that he didn't trust me. He mulled over the things we discussed and realised he was being out of order to expect me to enter into having a family (and potentially giving up work and everything that comes with that)but give me none of the security that HE had. We are married now but it did only happen because I educated him about the reasons why it usually isn't good for women to have children and not marry.
Because he's a good guy he was able to admit he'd been wrong and that he wanted me to have that security- after all, I was giving him something he dearly wanted - a home life and family.

After all, if you have children with someone - why would they want to put you in a vulnerable position unless they were more concerned about their own finances rather than the woman/children they purport to love more than anything?

I think his parents are arseholes for trying to force this mentality onto him - his dm in particular is quite a strong woman and I was surprised she seemed to think her son should have all the benefits of marriage without any of the legalities. She may as well have taught him he could go through life having his cake and eating it, even if it meant putting his family in a vulnerable position.

A lot of people are just very money minded though.

Your oh saying this stuff to your ds will shape the way he feels about women/marriage and could affect him negatively in the future. It's rotten.

But why would you have to give up work if you got married?
Coronawireless · 12/01/2022 14:16

@BootySOS

Well. I don't agree with what he said necessarily .. however if my daughter was getting married and had significantly more financial security than her partner (we will be buying her her first home once old enough) I would very strongly advise she protects her assets and speaks to a financial advisor before entering in to marriage. I'd also encourage her to ensure she partners up with someone who is also financially stable and in a similar financial position if possible.

We know how many marriages end in divorce and we know that there are plenty of cock lodgers.

So yes, when she is ready and old enough (not a kid!!) we will discuss it.

Exactly. Perhaps he could frame it better - more like the way you plan to - but it’s an important thing to be aware of.
Coronawireless · 12/01/2022 14:19

@Leoleo1

Not married *@Thelnebriati*
Is it him who doesn’t want to get married? Even after he has got to know you? Are his parents divorced?
Bluebluemoon39 · 12/01/2022 14:22

But why would you have to give up work if you got married?

I didn't have to I wanted to (not when I got married, but when I had dc).

Some people want to stay home and bring up their dc's. I now work part time (bc I want to) but being a sahm for 15 years substantially reduces your earning ability/pensions etc. - obviously.

Original poster
Leoleo1 · 12/01/2022 14:23

Yes & no

OP posts:
Coronawireless · 12/01/2022 14:32

@Bluebluemoon39

But why would you have to give up work if you got married?

I didn't have to I wanted to (not when I got married, but when I had dc).

Some people want to stay home and bring up their dc's. I now work part time (bc I want to) but being a sahm for 15 years substantially reduces your earning ability/pensions etc. - obviously.

Sure - but you made it sound as if your DH would inevitably “have” to support you once you were married and gave up work. This is not true - it’s a choice you make. Some men don’t choose to support another adult and that is also their choice.
Coronawireless · 12/01/2022 14:34

@Leoleo1

Yes & no
It’s odd that he’s so vehement about it when his parents are (presumably) on good terms. Out of interest, where do you think his attitude comes from? His friends, his father or his mother? Or is it just him?
Bluebluemoon39 · 12/01/2022 14:52

Sure - but you made it sound as if your DH would inevitably “have” to support you once you were married and gave up work. This is not true - it’s a choice you make. Some men don’t choose to support another adult and that is also their choice.

I'm talking about my own experience and that of many other women. if one parent is going to be staying at home and potentially losing their earnings /pension etc to raise a family, it is only fair that the sahp is fairly protected financially- or don't you agree?

If men are happy for their partner to stay home and do all the childcare/wife work but also comfortable with them then being in a vulnerable financial position - it doesn't say much about them as a person does it?

Milomonster · 12/01/2022 14:53

Bloody horrid and bitter.

Having been divorced, I emphasize to my child even more the importance of kindness, how lovely it is to have shared experiences with someone, how I hope he’ll treat his future partner well, how I hope they’ll have adventures, etc. I also teach him to always be respectful towards girls/women. They need good role models and language.

Original poster
Leoleo1 · 12/01/2022 14:53

Prob friends/ work collegues / things he watches &
Listens to

OP posts:
Coronawireless · 12/01/2022 15:09

@Bluebluemoon39

Sure - but you made it sound as if your DH would inevitably “have” to support you once you were married and gave up work. This is not true - it’s a choice you make. Some men don’t choose to support another adult and that is also their choice.

I'm talking about my own experience and that of many other women. if one parent is going to be staying at home and potentially losing their earnings /pension etc to raise a family, it is only fair that the sahp is fairly protected financially- or don't you agree?

If men are happy for their partner to stay home and do all the childcare/wife work but also comfortable with them then being in a vulnerable financial position - it doesn't say much about them as a person does it?

But men don’t automatically want their wives to stay at home. I’d say most would prefer if they worked if possible.
Aria999 · 12/01/2022 15:29

I would not be with someone who ever said this to anyone tbh.

Coronawireless · 12/01/2022 15:48

He’s entitled to his view that many women will take what they can from a man but it’s disrespectful to imply to your son that you do it (if you don’t). Have you broached this with him and if so what did he say? Why does he feel so strongly about this? Are there grounds for how he feels/has it happened to men he knows? Is it that he genuinely thinks women in particular will try to fleece him or is it more that he is very possessive of his stuff in general?
Are you both happy with how your finances are currently shared? What will happen to his money if he dies? Are you financially independent? If not, if you ever split up would he be likely to try not to support you/your son?
Can you talk to him about the above? Will he listen if you ask him to advise your son in such a way that doesn’t sound disrespectful to you and other nice women you know?

Original poster
Leoleo1 · 12/01/2022 16:01

I have done hes not botherd just said i will say that tp him
im not sure what happens to his stuff if he was to die ive also brought that up to him he just says i wont die
Its certainly not being left in my name, possibly his brothers

OP posts:
IDidntKnowItWasAParty · 12/01/2022 16:03

Why are you with a man who hates women?

Coronawireless · 12/01/2022 16:11

@Leoleo1

I have done hes not botherd just said i will say that tp him im not sure what happens to his stuff if he was to die ive also brought that up to him he just says i wont die Its certainly not being left in my name, possibly his brothers
Ok. So there’s an awful lot more going on here than just him making some comments to your son.
Coronawireless · 12/01/2022 16:11

Including that he won’t talk to you properly or answer questions.

Coronawireless · 12/01/2022 16:17

No communication, refuses to answer basic questions, no willingness to share his possessions with you, no willingness to consider what you want in life (marriage), no respect for you.

Coronawireless · 12/01/2022 16:17

Or that’s how it’s coming across so far…how do you feel about it?