I don’t feel loved

[Viviennethebeautiful]

Partner of 3.5 years. Knew each other for 20 plus years through work. Both very successful, I worked for him but got his job 10 years after he left. Both now retired. Never any attraction during working years.

He became a traveller, spending 6 months of the year, long hall, visiting every bloody location you can mention. Very successful with women, but now 68 so no quite so marketable. Relationships previously very unequal financially, much more so than with us.

During COVID we have spent all our time together, though we have separate houses in the same street.

Has a grandchild (4th) in NZ he has never seen due to COVID.
My 60th 3 days after restrictions lift so he is staying for actual day but flying off next day. I am hurt as it’s mid week so no party with him possible. Totally respect he wants to see grandchild but he didn’t invite me and after two years not being able to visit, I think he could have waited a few more days.

Now complaining as he wants to spend February in Sri Lanka and I can’t afford that so he thinks I shouldn’t mind he goes alone.

Neither of us are poor and we are retired so time isn’t an issue but he has access to more money than me, I could afford a winter break in the Canaries but not the £4000 trip he wants to Asia. Previously he must have paid for partners hols as their salaries didn’t support xmas’s in Thailand and multiple Caribbean hols per year they benefited from. My salary Was higher than theirs but as a single mother I didn’t get the chance to save so much as him.

My son is getting married at the end of the year in Australia (delayed for a year so I can attend). This is my priority for my money. He isn’t willing to treat me as he did his previous partners or settle for what I can afford.

I now think he doesn’t really care. I feel so stupid.

I can’t see why you’re with him, I don’t think he cares enough either 💐

Then stop being his partner.

If you are constantly comparing what he did for previous partners and he's not stepping up for you then it would make you feel less than.

You don't want to feel like that.
Why not look for someone else.

Eh, I agree he doesn't seem to care much. However as hard as it is, you have to stop comparing yourself to his ex's. I'm guilty of this too so I know it's easier said than done.

Not for you, its not making you happy. He doesn't sound very nurturing or emotionally intelligent. Move on and eventually you'll find a partner who cares. Have self respect, you don't need this man.

He sounds a bit of a free spirit and happy in his own company so maybe time to let him go and find someone you are more compatible with.

I don’t think he’s really your partner, is he? He thinks you have an agreeable boyfriend / girlfriend set up which suits your age, circumstances, priorities and preference to live apart, and enjoys that when it’s convenient. And in fairness to him, he may well assume you’re also perfectly happy with that and you have a mutual understanding that this is what you’re doing together.

Have you ever actually spoken about what you both want from this arrangement long term, and what “being together apart” means for each of you? It’s really time to do so, if not.

Hmm … So you had a year and a half of ‘relationship’ and then two years where people mostly stayed close to home?

How long have you lived in the same street? That must have been rather convenient during lockdown …

Thank you for all the responses. We lived in same street for a couple of years before we got together. To be fair I do like a level of independence.
Confusingly we have discussed getting married because if we were whoever survived the other would be entitled to 50% of the others pension which, in both cases, is a lot. If we die unmarried that money disappears and can’t be left to anyone else. He raised that one!
While he may have spent money on previous partners more than me that allowed him to get away with stuff I don’t accept. When they were his partner they had a lifestyle they couldn’t afford themselves.
He also got to travel while they were working. As we are both retired that doesn’t work for me. The only difference financially is that he can afford more travel than me. Even that is subsidised by a family firm where he can claim much of the cost as business expenses.
Thank you for reminding me I shouldn’t compare myself with others.
COVID has created a false world for us.
I am 60 this year. Don’t want to grow old alone but this isn’t good enough.