Why won’t he ask me out (mostly for the giggles)

[Kooksadooks]

Hello

I made out with a co-worker during a Christmas party. We were both drunk but tbh it was mostly me. I can barely remember a thing. Feedback from other co-workers are that they want us to get together, encouraging it… other feedback includes that we were both kissing each other rather than it being only me. We didn’t get to go back together as I went home with some other girls being too drunk. He said it was a good night, he said it was no trouble to him that I was drunk. We both talked about how awkward it was with work afterwards. For context we fully WFH. He added me on Linkedin, I added him on Facebook. I superswiped him on a dating app but never heard back, he either swiped and got rid of me or doesn’t check the app at all. He likes my pictures on Facebook. Feedback from other co-workers are that he hasn’t had a girlfriend before. So either he is waiting until I leave the team and move onto different department, he is extremely shy, or he is just not interested in me at all I’d appreciate if you could do some mind reading and tell me what is going on because my head is fried

I'd go with gut feeling when you are around each other and not drunk.
Some people don't want to have office romances, and it can become very awkward.

FWIW, I am in a relationship with a colleague who was also shy and didn't make a move for ages. But he was very keen to go out and do stuff together.

Just ask him out!!

I have an update!
I said, “do you want to meet up for a coffee?” He said “I don’t know if it’s a good idea but sure yeah we can”

All I can say for certain is he’s cautious which I understand he supervises me to some capacity

Double standards! If you're fearful of rejection then so could he be! Why do we think men should do all the running and risk all the rejections. Let's try to be more equally balanced about this!

Anyway, just read your update, and the fact he supervises you explains his reticence. He maybe likes you, to some degree, but isn't sure it's worth losing his job over / making things awkward at work if it doesn't work out.

@Feelingbutterflies

I would assume he isn't that interested. IME if a bloke is interested, you'll know. They ask you out, find any and every excuse to talk to you, they'd keep up the flirty convo etc. Especially since you both wfh, would be very easy to flirt/ask you out without the whole office seeing it. Also the fact he added you on Linkedin, not a social media app would tell me he's keeping it professional.

This is terrible advice because what you're saying is not always true. Yes, there are men who will make excuses to talk when they are interested, but there are also men who don't behave like that and conceal their interest because they are afraid of being seen as creepy or weird. Indeed, because this is work related, there might also be fear of a sexual harassment report. There are also men who never ask out any women, which may be the case here because this man has never had a girlfriend.

All I can say for certain is he’s cautious which I understand he supervises me to some capacity

This would be against our Code of Conduct, then.

Great update. I’m keeping my fingers crossed it goes well!

@Kooksadooks

I have an update! I said, “do you want to meet up for a coffee?” He said “I don’t know if it’s a good idea but sure yeah we can”

He’s not interested. I’d leave it.

If you have a fear of rejection, someone who is lukewarm at best and is also in a position of authority at work therefore has their career to think of doesn't seem like a sensible prospect for you to consieee does it?

@youvegottenminuteslynn

If you have a fear of rejection, someone who is lukewarm at best and is also in a position of authority at work therefore has their career to think of doesn't seem like a sensible prospect for you to consieee does it?

To consider that was supposed to say.

Sounds promising OP. I'm keeping my fingers crossed for you.

Thank you everyone for your insight. I told him that I “wouldn’t want to do anything he doesn’t think is a good idea ” so the ball is in his court. He is only indirectly supervising me for three more months and I then move teams so I guess we will see

@greasyshoes that's not me you're quoting.

Well done op, you asked and got an answer so see what happens.

@Feelingbutterflies

My bad, not sure how that happened. Should be @todaysdilemma

He doesn't sound particularly interested. His reply about going for coffee was very vague. Put it down to drunken shenanigans and stop chasing him, before you embarrass yourself.

[quote greasyshoes]@Feelingbutterflies

I would assume he isn't that interested. IME if a bloke is interested, you'll know. They ask you out, find any and every excuse to talk to you, they'd keep up the flirty convo etc. Especially since you both wfh, would be very easy to flirt/ask you out without the whole office seeing it. Also the fact he added you on Linkedin, not a social media app would tell me he's keeping it professional.

This is terrible advice because what you're saying is not always true. Yes, there are men who will make excuses to talk when they are interested, but there are also men who don't behave like that and conceal their interest because they are afraid of being seen as creepy or weird. Indeed, because this is work related, there might also be fear of a sexual harassment report. There are also men who never ask out any women, which may be the case here because this man has never had a girlfriend.[/quote]
The man was happy to snog her at a work do in front of everyone....

Based on that, I don't think being shy or inexperienced is his issue. Also they wfh mostly, there's nothing stopping him from chatting to her loads, or asking her for a coffee. Especially since he's liking her social media posts. She added him on FB, opening the door to a more personal connection. If he really was worried about boundaries he wouldn't have accepted the request or be liking her photos.

And yes, there may be men who lack confidence or are worried about being accused of 'sexual harassment', but you will still know they are interested - because they'll find ways to be in contact or show they care. We want to be around people we like, we want to show them we care even if we aren't overt about it. It's human nature. If you have to question if a guy is interested, he isn't, or at least he isn't interested in pursuing it further. There may be some exceptions obviously but in this case, definitely not.

Well done you for asking. Life is too short etc.

Sure, yeah we can sounded positive enough. Go for the coffee. Find out if not sure good idea is due to conflict of interests/self-preservation. If the latter, reschedule for Easter.