Relationship annd intimacy advice

[DotAwesome]

I'm married to my wife for 20 years now, have two amazing boys and while life has its ups and downs I feel that my connection to my wife is lost. We are both ambitious and she took a new role 3 years ago which has consumed her in so many ways. She is gone at 7am and back after 6pm. I manage getting kids out in the morning to school, I do most of the collections in the evenings and I often end up having to extend my work hours after kids are in school.
My first gripe I guess is that my wife seems to treat me like one of her members of staff and expects a clean house when she gets home. I joked recently about how she needs a housewife and she admitted she did, but after requesting that she priortize getting a cleaner to help, she switches back into work mode and continues to vocalize her dissatisfaction with my efforts to keep the home tidy. My wife sees less of our sons than ever before now and quite often spends her downtime on a mobile phone while sitting down beside my kids as they watch a movie in the evenings. Right now I do have a big question over the maternal role being played out at home.
My second gripe is down to relationship basics. Its a massive effort everytime I try to initiate intimacy and to have a sexual relationship. Even when I do there are all types of excuses used by my wife that fuel friction within the relationship. Poor excuses in my opinion that don't always stand up and I've communicated my want for fun, spontanaeity and excitment in life in general and in the bedroom, but it never seems to improve.
Generally I feel alone in my relationship and its not the first time. I feel under appreciated and under valued and its reached a point of stress on me that I can feel tension across my body most days now.
The reason for writing this note now is that I was triggered by somethhing that happened while awake at 6am this morning. I turned to my wife who was awake but resting up and asked if she wanted a kiss and cuddle. She indicated that she had an ache on one side of her body and I left the offer open for a cuddle. Five mins later she was back on her mobile and instagram surfing. I did react and state well you have your priorities and I got a "Dont be like that" response.

Hoping someone can help me gain some clarity in terms of what to do.

Thanks.

It isn’t looking good, you and your sons are at the end of the her priority list and it’s disgusting of her. Why has she had children if her career and instagram are more important ?! I think she needs an ultimatum because she is walking all over you, I’m amazed at how much you do with the kids and at home. She is very much using you and it seems she has no respect for you either.

Right now I do have a big question over the maternal role being played out at home

So basically she's not acting the way you think a mother should and you're not getting laid enough?

@pinkyredrose

Right now I do have a big question over the maternal role being played out at home

So basically she's not acting the way you think a mother should and you're not getting laid enough?

Pathetic comment

I think you need to have a full and frank conversation about family life and priorities. I appreciate she is pursuing her career and good for her but her relationships at home are suffering. Discuss it in a calm and balanced way and perhaps negotiate some changes on both sides. If she has checked out maybe you need to think about a different future for your family. Good luck x

Why does she need to organise a cleaner rather than you?

She doesn't really need an 'excuse' and it's really quite off putting that you seem to think you're the one to decide if her excuse is good enough.

What’s stopping you organising a cleaner if you’re less busy than her?

Maybe if you focused more on making your lives together better rather than not getting enough sex then you’d both be happier

It sounds like you’re both exhausted. Social media may be her only way of relaxing. It’s a worry that she does not want to be intimate but I can understand from her point of view as well if she is shattered and feels out of touch with the family side of things. Could you get away for a weekend to reconnect, just the two of you? Could you get a cleaner instead of waiting for her to get one? Also, when you snipe at her with ‘you’ve got your priorities’ it might help if you instead were to say something like ‘when you spend time on social media instead of connecting with me I feel XYZ’.

Is there anything you could do either alone or with the kids that would fulfil your need for fun, spontaneity and excitement? Is this something that you expect/wait for her to organise for you or would she be up for it if you arranged something?

She might be more open to things if you take more initiative. A poor sex life is usually a symptom of other things going on in the relationship so if you’re able to liven things up elsewhere, it might help in that department too.

I think she's a bit mean to pull you up on the cleanliness of the house. It does sound like she is not switching from work mode to home mode when she gets in. You're not an employee, you're an equal partner.

Is she in work mode with the DCs too when she gets in?

I feel there are a few unhelpful comments attacking OP, because he's a man. Imagine this post was written by a woman, people would be being much more understanding and sympathetic.

Very good advice from @Mumof3confused I think. I can only reiterate what she's said. Best of luck OP.

My boyfriends ex was wrapped up In her career and phone. They didn't have kids but the relationship became very strained.

What would I do if I was you?

I would talk and go for a walk. Talk to her whilst you are outside walking with no real distractions. . As people I don't know what you both like. But if you have a wood or forest or lake close by perhaps ask her to go for a walk with you and leave phones home or in pockets. Almost like a free date. Tell her exactly how you feel again. Say you feel you need more family time. The boys need more mum attention. Tell her tactfully that she needs a break from work and phones to enjoy her family. That you want to work on the intimate stuff. But try and say we need to do xyz. Don't attack her with you do this and that. Talk to her like you are a team and see if she's willing to play a part in improving thing. The wording can be the difference between the conversation being an attack or you saying our unit needs to come together again. It's hard as it's clearly her end and she's got distracted. If she isn't willing to acknowledge her part and agree that stuff can be improved and changed then you need to ask yourself what you want long term..

Hi and thanks for the constructive feedback so far. I do align with advice coming from @Mumof3confused and others here however while I did not mention it earlier, I have raised my concerns and made recommendations for change a few times before about how we need a more balanced family life and valued us time. At the moment, it feels that my wife's satisfaction is linked to work and me doing chores and keeping everything ticking over while also doing my day job. I was responsible for getting cleaners pre-COVID but we lost them and while I can do this again, it feels like more of the same, "passing the responsibility". Something else that has bothered me is that I see all the Mums and other Dads at the school each day and find that my wife has more excuses about engaging with them when we talk about organizing play dates for our sons. I too own and run with that responsibility and if the play date I arrange is to be at ours, its panic stations to clean the house if its untidy.

Do you feel you have explored everything? Do you feel she's willing to change? Are you wondering If you would be better off alone?

I separated from my children's dad 18 months ago because he was only focused on his work and I felt we were dead. We had no sex life. Nothing in common..never dated anymore. He was useless at doing things around the house. Never did the jobs he could do like tip runs etc. He just wasn't invested in the house at all. He is a good dad. But very mopey in regards to life outside of work.

I hope that things can change @Chocandtea - I do wonder if I would have my fun loving life back if alone but don't like the idea of my kids being hurt or going through a bad disengagement process.

Its simply challenging and I think before doing anything, I need my own timeout to reduce the stress and consider my approach.

Thanks for feedback and support.

With regards to the clearer etc, why does it matter why your wife thinks ?
If you want one, hire one, don’t let her tell you what to do.

With your boys, would you do things with out your wife, you don’t say how old they are but can you organise things for the 3 of you to do?

intimacy Sounds like a tricky issue, could you express how the lack of intimacy makes feel, do you feel disappointed? Disconnected?

Not sure about
I've communicated my want for fun, spontanaeity and excitment in life in general and in the bedroom
Those days may have gone now, but still you don’t need to put up with this in the long term ( and you need to ensure your wife realises this )

I personally knew it was over with mine. I didn't want sex from him. He was very much I've worked all day. I'm so tired. I am knackered. He'd always have this mopey look on his face. He was boring and dull. Never bouncy and fun. He just slowly got me down. He got really obsessed with conspiracies and covid too. Overall he was a nightmare. He made our split white tricky too because he was too lazy to even decide on a way to sort the house and it took him 9 months to tell family.

I really feel for you. I truly believe that if you can't get her to see the issue then you ahould consider a time frame to see if anything clicks. It shouldn't be so hard. But the problem is people get so addicted to their phones now. It is a massive problem for many couples isn't it. Get her to watch social dilemma on Netflix. It opened My eyes up. Good luck.

@pinkyredrose

Right now I do have a big question over the maternal role being played out at home

So basically she's not acting the way you think a mother should and you're not getting laid enough?

Typical Mumsnet Karen comment.

@Shoxfordian

What’s stopping you organising a cleaner if you’re less busy than her?

Maybe if you focused more on making your lives together better rather than not getting enough sex then you’d both be happier

It doesn't sound there is any sex from what he says

@yellowsmileyface

I feel there are a few unhelpful comments attacking OP, because he's a man. Imagine this post was written by a woman, people would be being much more understanding and sympathetic.

Very good advice from @Mumof3confused I think. I can only reiterate what she's said. Best of luck OP.

Have to agree with that comment 👍👍👍👍