What did you do to help you move on?

[2022newyrnewme]

My x of 5 yrs has ghosted me. Well he’s sulking/giving me the silent treatment over a minor thing HE did..so now he is my x.
It’s heartbreaking and makes you question everything
I know everyone says ‘you’re better of knowing his true colours etc’ but it’s very hard.
What helped you realise that is actually the case because it sure doesn’t feel like it right now.

I look at how the person is making me feel (bad.) and decide I deserve better than to be treated like that.

I know it's really hard... but keep reminding yourself you don't want a life with someone who treats you like shit.

In terms of practical advice, I sometimes find it helpful to write out a list of the person's negative traits. This can include little things they did that sorta bugged you, stuff you didn't have in common, incidents of him being inconsiderate.

Sometimes I feel a bit mean doing it, especially if there's still love/feelings there, but following a breakup we have a tendency to romanticize things and focus on all we're gonna miss, so I do find it helps to shift that perspective.

I realised this is how the person behaves towards everyone (because their ego is so fragile and they can't take even the smallest criticism) and actually not because of me or something I have done. I knew I had done nothing wrong and their reaction was completely unreasonable which showed me how pathetic he was and I was more than happy to be rid of him.

How was the rest of the relationship? If he is giving you the silent treatment and sulking over something HE did I am guessing this is not the first time he has treated you this way. If he treated you sometimes well and sometimes badly it could be a situation of 'intermittent reinforcement', which basically creates a kind of addiction to a person; these are the most difficult relationships to leave. If this is relevant to you, this information will be helpful. This video explains it

@MizzFizz thanks yes you’re right and I know he has very little friends/support due tot he way he is.

@yellowsmileyface I did do the list..it’s hard to see the bad sometimes isn’t it

@Crumbs22 yes I’m sure I’ll feel like that kn time. It’s a terrible way to treat someone

@JustHarriet yes it has happened before. Stupidly I was the one to make contact and it got sorted..but yes looking back he knew I’d chase. This time I didn’t and he’s nowhere to be seen. It was more good than bad and that’s why I’m upset he can just throw away all our memories and experiences with each other

@2022newyrnewme aww it definitely makes sense that you feel sad. It's the end of a 5 year relationship. Definitely allow yourself time to grieve that loss. (But just because you're sad, doesn't mean you should get back together with someone who treats you this way....)

Do some nice things for yourself, I remember when I had breakups I would go see friends and family, hit the gym, do things I didn't have as much time for while in a relationship. You will feel better in time xx

Thanks for your reply. I’m trying day by day

Honestly
I thought about the people I know who I think have perfect lives (from the outside obvs) and do I think any of these people would accept how I had been treated? No. Do I think their perfect lives entailed being treated badly by men? No. How do I become one of those perfect from the outside life people if I’m moping about some chump when I could be being fabulous and fun???

It’s stupid I know but did help

Only time did that for me. And no contact.
You need distance and time and emotions collected and calm before you can see things in their true perspective

I think the fact he’s just silenced a mistake he made after such a long time is very hard to move on from..how do you just do that?!

You do that by taking it day by day, block him and tell yourself that your dignity and self respect matters above all.

We Don't Chase Boys, repeat in weak moments, stick it on your fridge, replace his name in your phone with it. Especially sulky ones. Remove him from your social media. Rip the plaster off. If you get the urge to call him, call a friend, have a shower, stick your favourite song on and dance in the kitchen, it will pass. Find something new that makes you feel good. Time will change the game, give yourself a break.

I had a big rethink about closure.
It used to be that I thought I needed answers from a man. That he needed to give me an explanation and that I could use that feedback to be better the next time. All I was doing was gathering all these faults and beating my self esteem every time.

Now I think closure is a load of bullshit. We don't need it, and in fact, I think it's detrimental. Do I need to know that Ex dumped me for a woman who's got bigger boobs because he prefers them? Or do I need to know that another one dumped me because I wasn't intellectual enough for him or whatever. No. The only thing I'd do with that information is internalise it and beat myself up about it whilst excusing their behaviour in the process.

So. Closure is bullshit. It doesn't matter why he ghosted you. All that matters is that he ghosted you. His feelings and repercussions about his actions are on him and for him to live with, and if he wants to do a deep dive into is childhood issues to pinpoint why he's like that, he can get a damn therapist. You are not a rehab centre for fucked up men to treat as poorly as they want to because something shitty happened when they were a kid.

He ghosted you. His reasons will only be something that means that you minimise the hurt it caused you. And by minimising your feelings you are telling yourself that they don't count as much as his. And that is wrong.

This will sound arrogant, but I realised that I was the bee's fcking knees, and anybody who treats me like that can fck off elsewhere.

Worked a treat.

You're the bee's knees too

(I rarely swear, but some things are really fucking important)

@Drinkingallthewine

Closure is bullshit

It's not, but it is something you offer yourself, rather than try to get from the other person.

So it's not 'I need him to give me closure', it's 'I recognise that I don't need him to give me anything at all.'

I dumped my boyfriend at Christmas. The final straw was the lack of Christmas present, but there had been some niggles and doubts before that time. A gesture would have been nice. Once challenged and thinking he was losing me, he sent me a cash gift as he claimed he didn't know what I would like and was waiting to see me to hand it over. It reinforced my view of him as detached and lazy, as I don't understand how someone who knows a person for a while could not identify a suitable gift. Reading this board, it is clear that many women (and men) are eroded by life experience. They tolerate bad behaviour from others (often reframing it as their own fault), and it makes them miserable or low. Remind yourself not to let other people (friends and lovers) step over your boundaries. Assert yourself and reject everyone who behaves badly. Loving others starts with loving yourself enough not to tolerate toxic people and their vast array of nasty or indifferent conduct. Get counselling if you feel it would help you to identify how to protect and defend yourself from these sorts of people. There are plenty out there. It took me a long time to become ruthless at trimming away those who do not serve my interests or well-being. Reflecting on the wasted time I spent on these people in my youth makes me cringe. It takes time and practice, but it leads you to a happier and more confident future if you can achieve it. Hold your head up high and realise no one has the right to make YOU feel bad.

Thanks to you all. It’s tough to think of what you hoped to have. It’s hard feeling like you don’t matter. Like I’ve done something wrong?! How do you get past thinking that?

You realise that it's not about you, @2022newyrnewme.

Even if you did do something wrong, it wouldn't justify his actions.

Even if he thinks you don't matter, it doesn't mean you don't matter.

He's not the final arbiter on the subject of you/your character/your worth. You are. Do you think you did something wrong? Do you think you matter?

@TheFoundation I know you’re right. But when so much good feels like it outweighs the bad it’s hard to work through.
I know I didn’t do anything wrong, hence the situation. I know I’m worth more. It’s just the sheer thought of having to stay again and work up to a point I was happy with. Why do they always have to mess it up?

Why do they always have to mess it up

Tough love: This is victim talk. People mess shit up all the time. There's nothing special about your situation. In fact, you knew he was capable of this because he's done it before. Start to be responsible for your own feelings. He has treated you badly, so even if he came crawling back, begging for forgiveness, you need to get yourself into the mindset that you'd tell him to leave you alone, because from now on, you only allow people into your life who consistently treat you well. And that's because you're brilliant, and unique, and you respect yourself.

Right? No more 'Whhhyyyy has this happened to meeeee??' It doesn't matter why. He's treated you badly, so you're dumping him, now, it's your internal decision. He might never know, but if he tries to come back, he'll find out, because you'll tell him in no uncertain terms to sling his hook, because you want better.

@TheFoundation thanks I know you’re right. I have no intention of giving him anymore of my time it’s just hard to feel like you weren’t good enough when they did all the awful behaviour

He's not the final arbiter on the subject of you/your character/your worth. You are. Do you think you did something wrong? Do you think you matter?

I'm sorry you are in this position. Especially when he's 'on one' i.e. sulking.

He doesn't have the maturity to value you or his relationship with you. So he can, to use a Scottish expression, 'get tae fuck.'

When relationships break down, women look to them selves for answers which can become self critique.

Men, on the other hand, wonder, what was up with them ? (The departing partner)