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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Sons relationship

13 replies

BarbaraBlue · 10/01/2022 22:14

I’m feeling awful, i told my son that his relationship can’t carry on with his girlfriend, the reason being is it’s really not healthy, she constantly talks about self harm, how she thinks of unaliving herself how she enjoys it and her family doesn’t care and won’t help she seems to do this I’ve been in touch with her parents as I’m very concerned about her and they knew nothing about it and git her appointment etc and the gf refused as it’s embarrassing. now my son has developed these behaviours self harm, threatening the starve himself etc she asks him for support but won’t tell him how and what to support her with. I know this will appear quite garbled and there’s a lot more too this situation but I don’t know what to do for the better

OP posts:
Georgeskitchen · 10/01/2022 22:23

How old is your son and how old is his gf?

Motnight · 10/01/2022 22:26

Op apologies if I should know this but does unaliving mean killing herself?

GrazingSheep · 10/01/2022 22:29

What age are they?

Original poster
BarbaraBlue · 10/01/2022 22:33

They’re both 15, my boy has cryed himself to sleep on numerous occasions and things just keep getting worse

OP posts:
Original poster
BarbaraBlue · 10/01/2022 22:34

It does mean that x

OP posts:
coodawoodashooda · 10/01/2022 22:38

I don't think you can keep them apart at that age.

youvegottenminuteslynn · 10/01/2022 22:53

He may actually be a little relieved deep down as the situation is too serious for a 15 yo to deal with in my opinion, bless him. Hopefully the girl can get help as of course she deserves to get healthy and happy Thanks

AnnieSaxophone · 10/01/2022 23:13

I saw another post on here where someone was really concerned about their son's mental health, and another poster very helpfully suggested texting / saying the following to their son ... it was so good, i copied and saved it.

"I love you so much and want you to know that I would do anything at all to help if you ever wanted or needed that. You are so precious and adored. And if ever you feel down or angry or depressed to please, please get help if not from me, from the GP or a crisis line.

No matter how grumpy or disapproving I may seem at times, all that really matters to me is my children's happiness. And I know that it's hard being 13 being expected to be responsible but not yet having full independence. I’m proud of who you are and I hope you can feel good about yourself because you’re a fantastic person.

I have loved you from your first breath and I will love you till your last. No matter what."

AnnieSaxophone · 10/01/2022 23:13

sorry that should say 15 not 13!

Midlander88 · 10/01/2022 23:20

I was this girl when I was 15. I'm not really sure what to suggest. At the time, I was unbelievably devestated that my friends began to avoid me like a disease, and wondered if their parents had told them to stay away.

As an adult, I began to sympathise a lot more with my friends for stepping back, 15 is too young to be dragged into someone else's spiral.

The reason I survived really is because I met a boyfriend who had a really stable, loving family life, and they kind of just welcomed me into their lives to do really ultra normal things like family games or picnics. It was better than any therapy.

It sounds like your son's situation is a bit fever pitch, so there's a good chance he'll be relieved that you're stopping it for him. But just in case it has the opposite effect and he doubles down on wanting to be with her, then another approach could be for you to get involved yourself in trying to take the intensity out of their relationship, and invite them to do some really normal, mundane but cosy activities with you so that there's not as much room for dramatic conversations. If they could diall it back to seeing themselves more as friends, even if it were best friends, I think it would help both of them.

Brakken · 11/01/2022 17:35

@coodawoodashooda

I don't think you can keep them apart at that age.
Yes you absolutely can,unless they go to the same school, in which case I'd be alerting the school.anyway. @BarbaraBlue why on earth do you feel bad, surely you love your son and want what's best for him Confused Your his parent, not his best friend. Your very job is to educate and protect him. Do whatever is in your power to keep her away from him
GoodnightGrandma · 11/01/2022 17:37

Yes to informing school. Have a discussion with them about safeguarding and CAMHS.

Original poster
BarbaraBlue · 11/01/2022 18:04

I know it’s the right thing to have done as she’s ruining his well being. My heart just sank when he starting crying.

I alerted the school quite early on but the gf refused the counselling she was offered, I’ve been in touch with her parents and they’ve been on board with getting her help but again she refuses to go to appointments.

We have blocked and removed her number from his phone also

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