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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Original poster

Break up support thread anyone?

23 replies

scorpiogirly · 10/01/2022 18:29

Just starting this thread for anyone going through a break up and would like to post on for support or just to chat, rant or vent.

I'm 2 weeks out from being dumped and although it was a short relationship, it hurt like hell. I think because of the potential I saw it in and what I have gone through and invested in the relationship already. Starting to see he is a vile arse though.

OP posts:

mincechilli · 10/01/2022 18:35

How long were you together OP?
I split after a 1 year intense relationship in April. It has been torture for me, like a grief and I really struggled. Only now am I starting to feel better. It was torture to see he is happy with someone else

cinderellastory · 10/01/2022 18:38

Hello! Yep same here after 10 years and 2 children (the youngest being 4 months old) I'm back at my parents and he's still in the family home.

Original poster

scorpiogirly · 10/01/2022 18:40

It started in July chatting a lot, became physical beginning of September so not that long, I'm kind of surprised I took it so hard given that. It was the way in which it was done though. There is no reason it had to happen, he was just too gutless.

@mincechilli sorry to hear it. It's one of the worst feelings in the world. I am glad you are feeling better though. Why did you split?

OP posts:

Original poster

scorpiogirly · 10/01/2022 18:42

@cinderellastory

Hello! Yep same here after 10 years and 2 children (the youngest being 4 months old) I'm back at my parents and he's still in the family home.

Why is he still in the family home?

OP posts:

mincechilli · 10/01/2022 18:52

Was an on/off relationship and unhealthy. He treat me so badly and really knocked my self esteem. I ended it, he emailed me to tell me he slept with someone else 5 weeks later. In my grief I briefly went back but couldn't do it. I think he was stringing us both along. I saw pictures on Facebook, his new woman has made everything public, perhaps for my benefit. It hurts, a lot. Made to feel worthless and replaceable

cinderellastory · 10/01/2022 18:53

@scorpiogirly he refuses to leave as he pays the mortgage and bills and I don't even do can't afford to pay anything. The house is going up for sale. Hope you're ok

AnxiousWeirdo · 10/01/2022 19:00

I'm getting out of a 10 year emotionally and financially abusive relationship and we have a 7 year old. He won't leave so I have to but it's difficult. I have a small part time job and I'm trying to get more hours somewhere to help things along! Our house is also really small, kitchen in the living room, 1.5 bedrooms so.. we're under eachothers feet constantly aswell 😑

Original poster

scorpiogirly · 10/01/2022 19:03

@mincechilli

It really sounds you're better off without him. At least you know that you do not want him back now. He's her problem now. He will treat her exactly the same as he treated you. Onwards and upwards!

OP posts:

Original poster

scorpiogirly · 10/01/2022 19:08

@cinderellastory it's the same situation with my ex. He stayed in the house and his wife (they're not divorced yet and I don't think they ever will) moved into a flat.bit was only when my friend pointed out that it is usually the man who has the decency to leave whether he is paying the mortgage and bills over not. Never dawned on me before.

@anxiousWeirdo

That sounds very tough having to still be around him. I hope you manage to find something soon to get away from him.

OP posts:

mincechilli · 10/01/2022 19:19

That is what I try to think to myself. I don't want him to be happy after the way he treat me, he was utterly cruel. Maybe in time he will be the same to her, who knows

Penguinwaddler · 10/01/2022 19:25

Yep, my engagement ended after almost 4 years together. He has bought me out of the house but until the purchase of my new house goes through I have been staying here at the house half the week and with a friend for the rest of the time, and he is doing the same (so we don't see each other). I would stay with friends/family full time but I don't have anywhere to take my cats until I move.

It's horrible though and I wish I had other options because it feels like agony being here and seeing the renovation work he is doing (I don't know why he couldn't wait until I've moved out before starting this).

WhatAMess45 · 10/01/2022 19:27

Name changed for this thread

Thanks OP, this is exactly what I need! My story is quite unbelievable, I was going to post all the details but not really ready to do that yet. Just need some support.

The gist of it is partner of 2 years left me in the middle of the night on Xmas Eve. I know now 2 weeks later that it’s for the best in the long run but my god am I struggling with just keeping on. All Xmas presents etc are still sitting wrapped.

Just want the next few months to pass so I can feel stronger and past this.

So glad to have people in the same boat to talk to.

Hope you’re all being as kind as possible to yourselves.

WhatAMess45 · 10/01/2022 19:29

Few other bits are he seems to have had a complete personality transplant literally overnight and has gone about this so coldly, I can’t believe this is the same person I was sharing a bed/life with and planning a future just 2 and a half weeks ago. He’s also speaking to someone else, pretty much straight away. Have my doubts whether she was on the scene already or not.

Original poster

scorpiogirly · 10/01/2022 19:39

Although it is sad that anyone is going through this and I wouldn't wish it on my worst enemy, it's comforting to know that it isn't just you.

@Penguinwaddler That sounds really hard. It is good that you don't have to see him though. Hopefully your new house won't take too long.

@WhatAMess45 Sorry you are going through that. That is a very cruel thing to do. Can you out the Christmas presents out of the way for now so you don't have to look at them? It's crazy how they go so cold , mine literally changed within 10 minutes!

OP posts:

Penguinwaddler · 10/01/2022 19:47

@WhatAMess45

It's horrible how cold they become and how their behaviour is unrecognisable.

Penguinwaddler · 10/01/2022 19:50

@scorpiogirly it's really rubbish. I'm desperate for my new place to get sorted asap and wish I had another option so I can leave sooner. Ultimately it's for the best for all of us because it would be awful to be in relationships with these people who can behave so callously and cruelly.

Thing is I feel so sad and sorry for my ex, which is a waste of my time, energy and emotions, and ultimately hinders my own healing process.

Original poster

scorpiogirly · 10/01/2022 19:58

@penguinwaddler Why do you feel sorry for him? I kinda did feel sorry for mine at first. He dumped me basically because his ex told him to. As soon as he told her about his new relationship, she didn't like it, threatened to stop him seeing their son so he ended it, he was horrible about it too. Their dynamic is really odd. It's almost like they're still together. She controls his every move, she has been with her new boyfriend for quite a while too. I felt sorry for him because I am in a better position than him to move on. Their son has severe autism and special needs. He doesn't go out as he has his son every weekend, all weekend. But he brought this on himself. She will never allow him to move on, he hasn't got the balls to stand up to her with anything.

My sympathy dissipated when I found out yesterday that she and her new boyfriend went to exes house for new years eve, along with one of our mutual friends. He was blocking me and unblocking me on whatsapp, he kept me blocked for the whole of new years eve. So while I was sat on my own crying about the mess of it all, he was there having a party. He is such a drip that he allows her to parade her new boyfriend around his house. Whilst I stood on my doorstep watching the fireworks with my 3 year old dd, they were there having a whail of a time by the seems of it. It also made me realise that even if we had still been together, he wouldn't have made plans to see me at all NYE as she would have been going there. As much as this saddened me, it helped. Bastard!

OP posts:

Penguinwaddler · 10/01/2022 20:30

@scorpiogirly honestly what on EARTH goes through their minds!! I think some people can really easily compartmentalise areas of their lives and essentially shove us/the relationship into a small box in their mind and don't need to think about the implications of their actions.

I feel sorry for my ex for multiple reasons, but writing them down here makes me sound so incredibly pathetic and naive!

mincechilli · 11/01/2022 17:13

How is everyone today? I can only day that now 9 months later I'm starting to feel myself again. It hasn't helped feeling isolated working from home. I think he's new girlfriend was on the scene at the end as his behaviour changed. It's heartbreaking. I don't wish him well. I feel I want him to suffer after what he put me through. Is it OK to feel that way?

Original poster

scorpiogirly · 11/01/2022 18:44

Been a bit of a down day today. I'm getting sick of feeling down now. I hope it doesn't last that long. I don't wish him well either really. He has two friends left after all this, he pissed off a lot of people. I spoke to our mutual friend today, it kinds helps but it's also exhausting. He ssid he doesn't think he will ever go out again in fear of bumping into people. It's gonna be a bit of a sad life for him. Work, home, he seems two friends on a Friday night at his house and then he's got his ex swanning around with her new boyfriend in front of him. I don't understand the thinking at all. He could have had a good relationship had he just stood up for what he wanted. Ah well. I hope he realises one day. He probably won't though.

OP posts:

Original poster

scorpiogirly · 11/01/2022 18:45

Sees two friends I meant.

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2022newyrnewme · 12/01/2022 14:24

Hi, sorry to hear everyone’s posts..like someone else said it’s not a nice thing but helps to know you’re not alone.
Mine sulked after he did something minor before Xmas and I haven’t heard from him since because I haven’t sorted it out. Baffling, childish and sad after 5yrs.

hophop987 · 12/01/2022 15:01

So sorry to hear you are all going through this. I found out beginning of December that my partner was cheating, questioned him and he then broke up with me! Few days later he was on holiday and just 10 days later posting photos on social media with another woman.

It was horrible for the first 3-4 weeks and I didn't know what to do with myself, couldn't eat or sleep and was constantly thinking how he could be so cold and cruel. He left me to deal with holiday cancelations, Xmas, New Year and bday bookings that were made in advance.

It's been a rollercoaster of emotions but I noticed that this week (my week 6) there's been couple times where I did not think of him for couple hours or even more. I joined therapy that is helping a lot to work out what happened and to strengthen my boundaries. I'm starting to see things as they really were rather than the dream I created in my head and I hope that in another 6 weeks or so I won't give him any thought! At least that's my goal.

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