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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Parents infantilise me, knocking my confidence

21 replies

thisiswhyyy · 10/01/2022 16:55

I'm an adult in my 20s.

I was making beans on toast for lunch in the kitchen. Mum comes into the kitchen and starts giggling while watching me telling me I shouldn't use that saucepan to heat the baked beans up and then just takes over, pouring them into a different saucepan, changing the temperature dial. Telling me I shouldn't be using that wooden spoon to stir them and should use the other one. Everyone I've done apparently wrong.

It's beans on toast fgs.

OP posts:
QueBarbaridad · 10/01/2022 17:00

At least you realise it’s her not you!

bedheadedzombie · 10/01/2022 17:05

I know it's said a lot on here but: time to move out! Mums will always see you as their child that has less experience as themselves and well... it is kind if true so best to find your own place.

CanIHaveASnaaaaak · 10/01/2022 17:11

Mum obviously has her way of doing things. (My mother has a specific “milk pan” for cheese sauces or custard. God forbid we ever put anything else in it!)

At least you recognise you are not “the problem”. Good luck to you, but the only way you’ll get your independence is by moving out!

Kite22 · 10/01/2022 17:26

Your kitchen (and equipment) or hers ?

If she is doing that where it is your kitchen / saucepan / utensils then you need to have a serious word.
If she is needing to remind you not to use her things the way she doesn't want them used, then maybe it is time for you to be looking to respect her things, or to move out. No idea how reasonable or unreasonable it was in what you were using with what - we haven't heard from her what the issue is - but it does sound like you might need some independent living now.

Bananalanacake · 10/01/2022 17:56

I moved out when I was 20, best thing ever, and my parents weren't in the slightest bit controlling. Could you look into being a lodger as that's cheaper than renting alone.

lastqueenofscotland · 10/01/2022 18:09

Yep echo the others. You need to move out

Prinnny · 10/01/2022 18:11

Sounds like a nice caring mum who didn’t want her good pan scorching to me Confused

Craftycorvid · 10/01/2022 18:15

Unless you’d put about a tablespoon full of beans in a vast saucepan then slapped it on the biggest gas ring, I can’t see what the problem was and I’d find the interference irritating, too. Is this the tip of a large iceberg, though?

Takeitonthechin · 10/01/2022 18:19

Well done you for making your own meal... I would be happy you'd done this yourself. Does your mum use the wooden spoon for making jam... saying that it could've been curry you were making and stirring it with a wooden spoon.... curried jam 😂

AssignedBlobbyAtBirth · 10/01/2022 18:19

At 20 I would have said 'you have just put me right off them, I'm 20 FTS' and flounced out leaving her to sort out the beans
Ok I would have gone hungry! but you do need to speak up

AssignedBlobbyAtBirth · 10/01/2022 18:19

FGS

EarthSight · 10/01/2022 19:19

@thisiswhyyy

I'm an adult in my 20s.

I was making beans on toast for lunch in the kitchen. Mum comes into the kitchen and starts giggling while watching me telling me I shouldn't use that saucepan to heat the baked beans up and then just takes over, pouring them into a different saucepan, changing the temperature dial. Telling me I shouldn't be using that wooden spoon to stir them and should use the other one. Everyone I've done apparently wrong.

It's beans on toast fgs.

How much more is there to this post?

Is this one occasion the only grievance you have with your mum or does she infantilise you in other ways too?

Geppili · 11/01/2022 01:05

She didn't want you to ruin her non stick pan! Move out and get your own pans to scratch! Simples.

MrsTerryPratchett · 11/01/2022 01:08

@Geppili

She didn't want you to ruin her non stick pan! Move out and get your own pans to scratch! Simples.
She was using a wooden spoon.
GreyCarpet · 11/01/2022 05:45

Some of these replies!!

Not all 'mums' fail to see their adult children as adults. Mine is 23 and moved out last year. He lived at home through university and managed to live as an independent adult in the same house. He now lives alone and we have a great relationship largely because I treat him as the adult he is.

AlDanvers · 11/01/2022 05:53

I think this is one of the situations where you need to look at the bigger picture.

My mum, if I was cooking at hers, was like this. I am quite a bit older than you (39) so just took it in my stride. I might be cooking for her, but it was her kitchen (which she absolutely loved. Favourite toom in the house) and her stuff.

But most importantly she was, on the whole a good mum and loved and supported me alot. So I wouldn't let stuff like the irritate me. She is no longer with us, and those memories are some of my favourites. They make me laugh and when I talk to my Dad about these memories, it brings a smile to my face.

On the other hand, if she isn't generally a good mum, I can see feeling different. Because the whole situation must be hurtful.

The other big difference is that I moved out at 19 so, I suppose these things weren't an every day occurrence.

It may be time for you to look at moving out. It might be good for both of you and your relationship.

sammylady37 · 11/01/2022 07:50

@Takeitonthechin

Well done you for making your own meal... I would be happy you'd done this yourself. Does your mum use the wooden spoon for making jam... saying that it could've been curry you were making and stirring it with a wooden spoon.... curried jam 😂
Congratulating and praising an adult for making their own meal? For making beans on toast, which is about as basic as it gets? Jesus wept. Is the bar really this low?
RoseAndRose · 11/01/2022 07:58

Did this take place in your kitchen or hers?

(And yes, cooking on too high a temperature is both wasteful of energy and tends to make things catch on the pan, making it harder to wash up)

Seeline · 11/01/2022 08:06

My mum had specific pans and utensils that she always used for particular things. Exactly as a PP said, a wooden spoon for savoury and one for sweet so as not to contaminate flavours. How true this was is irrelevant, as an adult using her kitchen, I used her property in the way she wanted. Surely that's what adults do? If you are not respecting her property and wishes, maybe she is right to be treating you as a child!

GreenWhiteViolet · 11/01/2022 08:20

My dad used to do this all the time when I was in my teens/early twenties. He genuinely thought he was trying to help, but the message I got was 'you're so useless you can't even make beans properly'. He's a good dad, and what worked for me eventually was just outright telling him that I had my own way of doing things and I'd rather do it myself - and then when he did the critical takeover again, I'd step back and ask if he wanted to make the meal for me. In a jokey way, not an annoyed one, but it was a reminder of how I felt about it.

It's hard, though. At least you realise it isn't you - when I first moved somewhere with a shared kitchen, I used to cook at weird times so I could be sure there was nobody else in there who might think I was doing it all wrong!

Unless someone is actually going to destroy a pan/set the house on fire, there's no reason to interfere once you know they don't appreciate it.

underneaththeash · 11/01/2022 08:21

Until you move out, it's going to be like that.

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