Feeling so down

[anotherginandtonicpls]

My DH and I have been together 4 years, married for 1 and have a gorgeous 12 week old son. My husband didn't have the best upbringing or role models, was extremely babied by his mum who is no longer with us and was pretty much verbally and physically abused by his grandad and dad growing up. Since we have been together I have supported him, helped him achieve so much, got his driving license, a better job, we have now bought a house and he has a car etc. But he constantly thinks the world owes him a living. He literally takes everything I say as an insult and takes offence to everything anyone says to him whether it's his employer, me my family etc. Earlier I said to him "you can have some father son bonding time this afternoon" meaning him and our baby can have some cuddles and playtime because he had a half day at work, and he hit the roof saying "you're saying I'm a shit dad and I don't spend enough time with the baby" ?!?! Wtf! He literally makes me feel like a monster all the time lately, and he can be such an arsehole about things, he can get really nasty during an argument and then all he ever says is "every thing I say during arguments is a retaliation to what you say to me" he will never take responsibility for things he says, he blames me for the things he says and says that he wouldn't say them if I didn't push him to?! I'm no angel and have a bad temper at times, but I always apologise if I'm in the wrong, I just tried to get him to talk through our argument and he just says I don't want to be near you and will literally act like I have some kind of infectious disease to the point that he will not even be on the same level of the house as me. When we argue he is saying give me my son go out and leave us at home and I just feel like he's actually just blaming me for absolutely everything and never takes responsibility for his own actions. Sorry for the long post I need to vent it's really getting me down and although I'm no saint, I'm trying my best and I'm a kind and caring person

With kindness, the man sounds awful.

What he is doing is abusive, has he always been like this? You shouldn’t have to walk on eggshells in a relationship.

I'm sorry you have two babies. I learnt the hard way too not to procreate with damaged men. Sorry I don't have advice; just solidarity.

You deserve much better than this OP

My stbxh was like this, and it was just impossible to discuss anything with him as he perceived any comment as a criticism and would then become hostile or defensive and eventually I just gave up trying.

Do you have anyone you can talk to IRL - friends or family, or if not , your health visitor?

He needs to have counselling and actually deal with what he went through, at 30 years old he cannot blame his dickhead ways on his childhood. I just love him so much and he loves me, I've never connected with anyone like him before. I suppose I just hope one day he will get the help he needs. He is a fantastic father and dotes on our boy. I just don't know

I think this is just too hard to live this way. I’m with a man like this. Kicks off whenever I’ve said something in the wrong way because I’m telling him he’s wrong. The only way to get along with him is to never say anything. He on the other hand can say whatever he wants however unfair or sarcastic. I’m at the point of being sick of it. It means treading on eggshells through life.

What does he do that makes him a ‘fantastic’ father?

Does he smoke a lot of weed OP?

It is so, so healthy that you are venting about this.

The behaviour you are describing is emotionally and psychologically abusive. He is the only one who can choose to change his behaviour. But to do that he would have to genuinely acknowledge that his behaviour is not ok, and that is unlikely given the extent to which he is blaming you for his actions.

I was in a relationship like this for 15 years. In the early years I thought I would be able to handle it. I knew I wasn't a saint but I tried really hard to make it work, but my ex was cold, unsupportive, gave me the silent treatment, was mean and constantly shifted the blame. In between this, he would tell me he loved me and do other 'nice' things. The thing is, it wears you down! I ended up with chronic exhaustion and a drastically limited life because so much of my energy went into managing our relationship. It takes longer to recover from the physical and emotional impact than you might think. The time he came closest to changing was when I finally was strong enough to leave and he knew it. By that point, I wasn't in love with him anymore.

You have a child and your first priority needs to be your well-being. Know that there are many people who have experienced abuse. There are heaps of articles on emotional abuse, and support groups you can join. If you can get to counselling find a service that specifically works with abuse dynamics, or you could end up getting blamed in therapy for a problem that you didn't create.

Share what you learn with supportive friends but be aware that often people minimise what you are experiencing as they think you are 'complaining about regular relationship problems'. All relationships have their difficulties but what you are describing is not in the range of standard relationship problems; it is abusive behaviour one person is bringing into the relationship.

Emotional and psychological harm is incredibly damaging. Though you can't see the wounds, they take a long time to heal. Look after yourself and keep venting when you need to. You're living under a lot of pressure, and anyone in these circumstances would have a lot to vent about.

I just dumped a man for behaving like this: never taking any responsibility for his behaviour, being immature and self-centred but above all always blaming me and trying to twist reality when I was sharing my concerns.

This type of people see any criticism as an attack and is unable to self-reflect so they instead try to make you doubt you own perception and to make you feel like you have done something wrong when you are simply communicating your needs/unhappiness and so on.

A difficult upbringing does not justify any of these behaviour.

I would suggest putting your kids and yourself first and considering putting and end to this relationship.

With me it got to the point where the person I was seeing had fall outs with so many people colleagues reporting him to HR for his outbursts, his 20 year old daughter had a massive argument with him, he was kicked out of a party for being obnoxious, yet he always blamed everyone else. I did not want to be around someone like this as his behaviour was worsening.

What your partner is doing to you is emotionally abusive.

i would look up you tube videos on communicating with men. John Grey 'men are from mars..' has some great videos. If you want to see if that gives you some help and insight.

i find that communicating with men does need a different approach, if you have ever heard of the 'sh&t sandwich' ? Say something nice, say something not so nice and then say something nice. In your case i would say
' I know how much you love our DC and was thinking while i take a shower/wash clothes etc, you could spend some quality time with DC, its important i have some time to myself, i love seeing you being a father and it would really help me too'

It will not get better. I was with someone like this for 7 years. He was abusive in more ways than shifting blame and refusing to engage but they were standard every day behaviours. Some of the more unsavoury ones came to light later on. People like this will wear you down until eventually you don't know yourself any more. Everything is your fault, including him being vile to you. If you think, a mother who babied him, angel child, made excuses, never saw him step a foot wrong. Hes been built this way. Your baby is young and you say you love him but ime if he goes to counselling...he will come out with a new set of reasons why he's great and you're the real issue. I hope im wrong honestly. Just prioritise yourself and your baby whatever else you decide to do

He doesn't smoke, or drugs, only has a drink at parties which is rare. He idolises the baby, nothing is too much trouble where our DSis concerned. He happily interacts and helps with bottles, bathing, nighttime etc. He had a bit of a breakdown to me the other day and told me work is terrible and he's so unhappy there, and he is aware that he has been taking it out on me and is eternally sorry. I know he was genuine and has since been consciously making more an effort since he opened up about work etc. I voiced my unhappiness in the way he has been and he was mortified with himself. I love him so much and I know he loves me, I feel like sometimes being a new mum and undergoing the changes of parenthood, maternity leave etc I think I'm spending too much time in my feelings. When I look at my life I am happy and have everything I could wish for. Thank you all for your advice. Marriage isn't a picnic right!