Struggling to accept I will have only 1 DC

[Alexandra07]

I am really struggling to accept the new situation, I would appreciate any advice.

My DH and I have a 4 year old DD. One year ago we started TTC again. It was mainly me wanting a second one and DH just agreed. After one year of not conceiving, he announced to me that he doesn't want another baby.
The irony is that after he told me this, I had a positive pregnancy test that ended in an early miscarriage. So the last month has been an emotional roller coaster for me.

I understand that I cannot force him to have another baby if he doesn't want one. But I cannot cope with the idea of having only one. We don't have any family in the country and very few friends/borderline acquaintances. I cannot stop thinking that once we die my DD will be left all by herself. I am 40 and he is 43, there isn't really any time to wait and see if he is going to change his mind. I don't want to, but I already resent him for his decision.

Any advice on how to cope with this? thank you!

[Dillydollydingdong]

Have you presented this argument to him? It's very sad for a person to have no blood relatives. only ever had one sister, no aunts, uncles or cousins. My sister died early but she did have children so at least there are nieces and nephews now. My friend comes from a big family and has huge numbers of cousins who all get together and have fun as adults. I'd work on dh seriously and say it's selfish to not care about dd's happiness in the future.

[Dillydollydingdong]

I only ever had one sister

[Abbo552]

I'd work on dh seriously and say it's selfish to not care about dd's happiness in the future

Seriously?
If a woman decides she doesn’t want any more children, everyone will back that, but if a man decides he doesn’t want to father any more children his decision must be challenged and he must be convinced to be sperm donor or will be emotionally blackmailed ?

Oh come on, that’s totally unreasonable and boarding on double standards

[ComtesseDeSpair]

Sorry to hear about your miscarriage, your DH’s change of heart and then that on top is obviously hard. The only option you have though is to accept his decision and focus on the child you do have. He doesn’t want another baby and if your DD is your primary concern here then I can’t imagine you think tearing her family apart so you can try and find another man who will give you a baby is an option?

If your main concern is your DD having a sibling then I really wouldn’t worry about it. Having siblings is no guarantee of having an enduring relationship and fun together as adults. Plenty of people rarely or never speak to their siblings in adulthood, let alone see them as friends or sources of support. I see my brothers once a year at Christmas and exchange birthday cards in between, and that’s the sum of our relationship. That’s not at all uncommon amongst other people I know. Your DD won’t be left “all by herself” when you die, she’ll in every probability have a wide circle of friends and a partner - sources of love and support which many people rate far above that of any sibling.

[Frenchfurze]

@ComtesseDeSpair

Sorry to hear about your miscarriage, your DH’s change of heart and then that on top is obviously hard. The only option you have though is to accept his decision and focus on the child you do have. He doesn’t want another baby and if your DD is your primary concern here then I can’t imagine you think tearing her family apart so you can try and find another man who will give you a baby is an option?

If your main concern is your DD having a sibling then I really wouldn’t worry about it. Having siblings is no guarantee of having an enduring relationship and fun together as adults. Plenty of people rarely or never speak to their siblings in adulthood, let alone see them as friends or sources of support. I see my brothers once a year at Christmas and exchange birthday cards in between, and that’s the sum of our relationship. That’s not at all uncommon amongst other people I know. Your DD won’t be left “all by herself” when you die, she’ll in every probability have a wide circle of friends and a partner - sources of love and support which many people rate far above that of any sibling.

I think that's fair, and I say this as someone who has one child by choice, who has no cousins in his generation, because my siblings are all childfree and DH's siblings have children a generation older.

If your concern is your child being 'left alone' when her parents die, then I would work on modelling making and maintaining good friendships and relationships in general with her as she grows, so that this is an area of her life she will have a good grounding in.

[Alexandra07]

Thank you for your comments.

@Dillydollydingdong The argument of leaving her on her own is my main one, among others. I have discussed this several times with DH. I have tried to discuss with him his point of view and find solutions on some practical things, e.g. he would like a bigger house for more space, so we are having a loft conversion, etc.

Even if a sibling is not going to be best friends with DD, it is different to know that there is someone in the world you can call and potentially get some help.

The problem is I don't know how to accept this situation. I find it very hard.

[JorisBonson]

Neither of you are in the wrong, and both of your decisions are valid. Unfortunately it will be up to you to decide how to proceed.

@Abbo552 is spot on, essentially badgering him into it is not fair.

If it helps, I have a younger sibling and we are not close in the slightest. I only see him when I see my parents, so when they're gone I'll rarely see him if at all.

[coodawoodashooda]

I'm sorry you are going through this too. I would go to counselling to help me accept it.

[DSGR]

I would find it incredibly hard to accept and would probably spend my time trying to change his mind. I think it would break us. I know in the grand scheme of things that’s not helpful but his right gets to trump right in a way that to you is deeply unfair. And vice versa.

[LawnFever]

Both of your feelings are valid, it’s not fair to try and change his mind - imagine it was the other way round and he wanted to have another baby and you didn’t?

I think your reasoning is a bit odd tbh of people are only children, lots of siblings aren’t close at all, but having another baby just to keep your dd company isn’t more valid a reason than him not wanting to.

I’m sorry about your miscarriage, but you’re actually very lucky to have the daughter you have, why is a hypothetical baby more important than her?

[Gettingthereslowly2020]

I'm an only child, both parents had died by the time I was a young adult, no other family alive. I understand what you mean, it's awful being all alone in the world without any family. I'm lucky that I have one child of my own but being alone does worry me. It's lonely and I feel like I don't really fit in with my peers who all have parents and siblings.

Having said that, there's not much you can do about it. It's not as though you have time to meet someone else who does want more children. Maybe focus more on building strong friendships with other adults with children around the same age as your daughter.

I'm sharing my experience just to say I understand you wanting another child. However, it's important to realise that your daughter may never be in my situation. You and your husband may live until she's much older and married with children of her own.

[Tulipsandviolets]

If a women says she wants no more children then people agree when it's a man saying he doesn't want anymore then you should respect that decision, at least he's being honest with you.
If you're not happy with it then leave and find someone else to give you a child, it's unfair on him to pressure him into it imo.

[ComtesseDeSpair]

A key stage in accepting something is having thoroughly considered all your options, and being able to feel that you were able to make a rational choice and had agency in the course of things. So, consider your options, what are they?

You can stay with your DH and your DD, work through the pain of not having another child, and learn that what you have is enough.

You can stay with your DH and your DD and end up resenting him for denying you another child.

You can stay with your DH and DD, nag him into having another baby, and end up with him resenting you and the youngest child he didn’t want.

You can leave your DH, lose out on seeing your DD every day, and put all your efforts into meeting another man who loves you, loves your DD, wants to have a baby, all in the space of about two or three years (because your age is against you here.)

You can leave your DH, lose out on seeing your DD every day, and spend the next decade unable to find another man who loves you and wants a baby with you, and end up with no second child and no marriage.

Perhaps arrange some sessions with a counsellor who can work with you through those choices and what they mean for you and for your family. I don’t think you’re being honest with yourself in insisting this is all about your DD and having a sibling to call sometimes when she’s older: I’m sure if you asked her both now aged 4 and at 34 whether she’d prefer / have preferred the family she has now or some theoretical sibling, she wouldn’t choose the sibling.

[Igneo]

Sorry for your loss, Op, sounds really tough, and I don’t know what i’d do to work through the resentment you must naturally feel towards your OH.

However I totally agree with @Frenchfurze.

You need to be ready to look beyond family. In fact even if you were to have another child, you’d eventually (possibly even for the birth... comes up on here a lot) run into a situation where you needed a support network.

It’s something to focus on anyhow.

[CharlotteRose90]

Some times having a sibling isn’t great. I have one brother and the only reason I see him is for my mum. If she wasn’t here I wouldn’t be in touch. He was awful to me my whole life so I cut him out. Having a brother or sister isn’t the be all in life. You might find youd have another child and they’d constantly argue and fall out. Focus on the one you have and your family.

[Raindrops2015]

Hi. I don't really have any advice. Just that I understand the desire can be really strong after a miscarriage and I understand the strong desire to provide your child with a sibling. My child is an only child, not what I had wanted. I make alot of playdates and try and forge close connections with other parents. I would consider giving you OH some space, give extra focus on your romantic connection and then ask again after some time has passed. It's strange that after a year he has had a complete u turn and he might have a change of heart. Would he consider adoption or fostering? I'm really sorry for your loss.

[Dizzylizzy22]

What are your partners reasons for not wanting one? That can make a difference. If it is to live a life of more expendable money then I don't think that's fair on you 😔

[3mealsaday]

@ComtesseDeSpair

A key stage in accepting something is having thoroughly considered all your options, and being able to feel that you were able to make a rational choice and had agency in the course of things. So, consider your options, what are they?

You can stay with your DH and your DD, work through the pain of not having another child, and learn that what you have is enough.

You can stay with your DH and your DD and end up resenting him for denying you another child.

You can stay with your DH and DD, nag him into having another baby, and end up with him resenting you and the youngest child he didn’t want.

You can leave your DH, lose out on seeing your DD every day, and put all your efforts into meeting another man who loves you, loves your DD, wants to have a baby, all in the space of about two or three years (because your age is against you here.)

You can leave your DH, lose out on seeing your DD every day, and spend the next decade unable to find another man who loves you and wants a baby with you, and end up with no second child and no marriage.

Perhaps arrange some sessions with a counsellor who can work with you through those choices and what they mean for you and for your family. I don’t think you’re being honest with yourself in insisting this is all about your DD and having a sibling to call sometimes when she’s older: I’m sure if you asked her both now aged 4 and at 34 whether she’d prefer / have preferred the family she has now or some theoretical sibling, she wouldn’t choose the sibling.

This is a good summary but one option it doesn't mention is going it alone. I have a friend who has had two children using donated sperm.

It's true that you don't have time on your side so if a second child, rather than a different relationship, is your priority, this is something you might want to consider.

Of course you'd have to think through the impact on your existing DD and family dynamics... one child would have a father who presumably they'd see regularly and have a relationship with and the other child wouldn't. But it is an option.

[treezuk]

@Alexandra07

I am really struggling to accept the new situation, I would appreciate any advice.

My DH and I have a 4 year old DD. One year ago we started TTC again. It was mainly me wanting a second one and DH just agreed. After one year of not conceiving, he announced to me that he doesn't want another baby.
The irony is that after he told me this, I had a positive pregnancy test that ended in an early miscarriage. So the last month has been an emotional roller coaster for me.

I understand that I cannot force him to have another baby if he doesn't want one. But I cannot cope with the idea of having only one. We don't have any family in the country and very few friends/borderline acquaintances. I cannot stop thinking that once we die my DD will be left all by herself. I am 40 and he is 43, there isn't really any time to wait and see if he is going to change his mind. I don't want to, but I already resent him for his decision.

Any advice on how to cope with this? thank you!

Hi i saw you sent me a PM but i cannot read it for some reason.

[something2say]

The planet cannot sustain endless humans. You've had one child, could you be grateful and leave it at that?

[PatientlyWaiting21]

Why do you think she would be all alone? Highly likely she will have her own friends and if she wants to start her own family.

i cannot stand this bullshit spouted about it being selfish!