My girlfriends dad is deliberately making me feel unwelcome - what do I do?

[KevinRichards123]

So my girlfriend and I have been dating for about four years now. We've had our ups and downs but we're in a good place right now. We have decent jobs, our own place and a clear future ahead of us.

But there's an ongoing problem. Her dad.

The situation with my girlfriend and her dad is very complicated. For years he was very abusive. Some of his behaviour included slapping, throwing, hitting with a belt, making her wash her mouth out with soup and making her write an essay on why everyone hates her. In other words he was a bit of an arsehole!

You'd think she would cut him out by now but unfortunately he's quite financially abundant and he knows how to be controlling. In addition to this he's never been kind to my girlfriends previous boyfriends. He threatened to kill her 1st bf and the 2nd got thrown out on the street at midnight because he thought it was funny.

Everytime I see him I get called names, belittled, embarrassed, alientated and made to feel very unwelcome. To make matters worse my gf has a sister who also had a bf and he treats him like a son?!

To an extent I have put my foot down. My gf has reluctantly agreed that I don't ever have to see him again but I know it's doing damage to our relationship.

I've been bullied a lot in my life long before I met my girlfriend so it's not something I want to go through again but at the same time I feel like I'm letting my gf down by avoiding her dad.

What do I do? Do I continue what I'm doing or do I just brave it and see him?

I think by refusing to see the arsehole dad, you are modelling appropriate boundaries to your girlfriend. Do you think she even realises how inappropriate he is being, or does she just think his behaviour is normal?

She knows the way he behaves is inappropriate but for the reasons set out in paragraph 3 she's too scared to say anything to him and even she did I doubt he would take it seriously :/

Your doing the right thing. Maybe she'll see you being happier not being involved and take that motion to do the same herself even it takes her time. I would slowly discourage her from seeing him though if she comes back upset keep making a point she could always go no contact.

So she’s only maintaining a relationship with him for his money? That’s not a healthy way forward.
Of course you don’t see him. But then neither should she if he’s behaving like this.
TBH I would seriously rethink the relationship. What if you end up married and with kids? How would this person impact on your family then?

I would also stay away. You’re showing good boundaries-no one needs to go somewhere just to be treated badly. If this has a repercussion with your GF then I would ask her why she thinks you should voluntarily go somewhere to be hurt and humiliated and I’d she actually thinks that is appropriate? Maybe it will give her some backbone to stick up for herself?

Well, he isn't just 'a bit of an arsehole', is he? He's fully abusive. Your GF has been conditioned to see that as normal.

But you're doing the right thing by staying away. All you can do is communicate to your GF that you are not obliged to accept her father's behaviour towards you and that she should reflect on why she thinks you should. Ultimately she needs to seek out counselling to overcome her conditioning, but that's for her to choose, not you.

You've also got to think about the long term future of your relationship as this abusive man will be part of your life for as long as you are with your girlfriend. Remember that it is not your actions that are damaging the relationship here.

I would imagine the father probably realises you see him for what he is and would desperately like to split you up. Does the sister's boyfriend toe the line a bit more?

Your girlfriend is still stuck in the abuse cycle of her childhood.

Tbh if you want marriage and children, and she's showing no inclination to break away from the family abuse, I'd suggest you walk away. You cannot subject children to this sort of unhealthy dynamic.

Unless your GF becomes aware of the situation, which there are no guarantees of, and joins you in putting some boundaries in place, this man is going to be in your life for as long as she is. That needs careful consideration, as it impacts you, and your relationship. Maybe most importantly, he would be the grandfather of any kids you may have in future. I'd be giving the bigger picture some very careful consideration, and staying away from him while you do so.

Is the sister generally treated better. Treating you badly may be just another way he is abusing his daughter and making her feel inferior. This man is awful and I think you are doing the right thing showing your gf how to have boundaries. Whatever you do, don't back down and see him! I think she should seriously consider breaking her relationship with him. You could encourage her to get counseling to deal with her background. What is money without self esteem?

I agree with the others who say it's fine for you to stay away but what about if you have kids or want to get married?

Was the sister abused in the same way?

I'm afraid I would have to have it out with him. Let's pop out the back garden and you can take it out on my head. See how he responds, he's a bully & a controller! They can't cope when you face them out, and sometimes they'll actually have more respect for you afterwards, it's a chance I'd have to take. I'd certainly not kowtow to his behaviour.

If you have your own place I don’t see the issue as much as if she lived at his house.

I take it he doesn’t have a key to your joint house?

Is she wants to put up with his shite fine, but I wouldn’t go near him myself and I would be very careful with the contraception as I wouldn’t want to bring a baby into the mix just now until your gf is strong enough to tell him where he can go. Which she will be one day.

Whose name is the property in incidentally? It’s not his is it?