Couples counseling after break up?

[Samosamo]

My partner is ending our relationship of 13 years, 3 children.

The reasons are not clear to me. There's not much point in going into detail because he's ended it and that's that. I've had so many conversations with friends and family I can't stomach more analysis on here, I just can't, I'm so emotionally worn out.

The thing is he's really bad at communicating, so the reasons why he is leaving don't hang together well, they don't make much sense to me. And I want to make sense of it. It's been such a huge chunk of my life. I'm 40. I've given so much. I have so much baggage from the past year or so of hard hard times with him. We need to co parent now and I feel such resentment towards him, I also have a huge lack of respect, I feel betrayed because he's broken his promises. At the same time he's constantly annoyed or angry with me and interprets my neutral behaviours as negative. The other day I said I didn't want dinner, I just wasn't hungry, he interpreted that as me rejecting him through his dinner. But I just wasn't hungry. Like DEAR GOD! You know??!!

I also want to learn more about my own role in this because we can all improve and I don't want my next relationship to be impacted by any shortcomings I've had in this one.

Has anyone gone to therapy with a recent ex partner to help the ongoing co parenting etc and to end it well. Right now I'm building up a real dislike of him and its not good given there are children involved.

Any thoughts?

I did.
I d no reason as to why I d been dumped before our wedding.
Turned out he had a 2 year old I knew nothing about from a one night stand.
If he had told me before running leaving me to tell the guests I would have forgiven him...I loved him so much.
The counselling was his way of rebuilding and he was so happy everything was out in the open....
However for me it made me realise I needed to love myself not him.
It's 20 years ago, no ill feelings but no, save once, contact since.
I felt worse before I felt better but it really did help me.

Thank you so much.

I'd start with Councelling for just you, together to work out a way to co parent is a seperate thing.

I agree with @beingsunny, you want closure but you may never get it and I'm not sure what benefit you will get from couples counselling if you are separating. I did individual counselling and it helped me sort a lot out in my head and I no longer felt the need for closure. To be honest I think couples counselling with my ex when we had separated would have been unbearable with him refusing to acknowledge he had done anything wrong which would have just driven me to distraction.

I feel quite badly about him. He has slipped far down in my esteem and I think I going to find it hard to hold a good Co-parenting frame. I think he likely feels similarly about me, so I want us to better understand one another so that we Co-parent well. It seems to me, at the end of the day, that we are now starting anew relationship as well as ending an old one. This one MUST go well for the sake of the children, it's crucial.

He has agreed to it and its all the therapy he is going to get, thilough my word, does he need it. Therapeutic input can only have potential to make him a better father. Please dear God.

Then I also want to use it to basically pump him for feedback on me. It'll be hard to hear but I want to use this as an opportunity to improve myself as a partner/family member in advance of a new relationship in future. I'll tahe this into individual therapy for myself.

That's what I really want.

It sounds like he is just going along with it to placate you. I would suggest getting individual therapy. He will just play lip service in therapy. You probably won’t get any closure and he may very well rewrite your history which will make you even more bewildered. It’s over, now is the time for you to get professional support for your feelings alone so you can be the best co parent. I fear it may be a waste of time now the horse has already bolted .

I recently ( well yr ago) split up with my kids dad. Honestly it sounds like you think.theres a problem besides the fact he's an arsehole that you can fix somehow. Counselling won't fix a personality. Amd doesn't sound like he'd care enough to do it. I personally wouldn't waste time giving him the time. He doesn't deserve that.

I mean sure pay for counselling if you personally feel that you can benefit from it alone yourself. But my guess would be he's done. And he's moving onto the next stage of getting his hold over you whilst having the benefit of being single and doing what he wants, by being awkward around contact/Co parenting.

If he thought you deserved to know what he'd tell u. He didn't while u were together I doubt he really will now.

Oh and what makes you think you need fixing. Why do you think there's something wrong with you? I mean by all.means if u need help then if course get it. But if its just becuase he's being a dick and you think jts your fault some how then maybe the problem isn't you