How do we educate people on what constitutes an abusive relationship?

[beingsunny]

I am 3 months out of an extremely abusive relationship.

The first year was the typical love bombing, until I allowed him to move into my home with my son and I.

Then it began.

It’s been going on for four years, it all happened so gradually I didn’t recognise it for what it was for years, I excused his behaviour, spend hours and hours googling things to explain it away, accepted the silent treatment for weeks at a time, was gaslighted endlessly, ignored physical abuse because he didn’t use his fists, the list goes on.

I’ve been in therapy on and off but now consistently since I managed to get him to leave. He has stolen our car, cut all contact and my only power is my silence.

All I can think is he will go on to do this to another woman, I can’t warn her, of course she won’t believe me, he’s capable of being so so charming.

I believed him when he said his ex wife was mentally ill, and supported him while he challenged her in court for access to their daughter (who he lost interest in once he won).

I can now see looking back the thousands of red flags, but coming from a happy well adjusted family with parents who love each other I had no idea, I literally didn’t understand what was happening.

So all I can think is that we need to make abuse better understood, how do we do that?

I'm possibly experiencing some sort of emotional abuse. All I can describe it as I feel confused because I don't know if I have the real evidence or If I'm creating something in my head. Its so hard. My feelings were so strong when things began to go wrong. It's been over a year of highs and lows. He seems to love me and really want a future with me. He is thoughtful. Kind. Cooks for me. We laugh and talk about everything. But he has depression and anxiety. He has highs and lows. It's like being on a bumpy road all the time. Just as things are getting good. He's giving me loads of compliments and the future looks positive he will hit a bad place. Then he will go off. He will get cross at my concern. Acuse me of questioning him and being in his face.

He in my opinion needs therapy. He isn't over his ex I don't think..I'm not sure how deep the feelings are. They split 3 years ago. When we got together officially last year he had photos of her still on his living room walls. He took them down when I commented. But when we went on a break he put them back up. I know more about her than I do my friends in some ways. Sometimes I feel like he has got attached to me because he sees parts of me that are better than she was. But he can sees features or ways to make me similar to the things he likes about her. He makes suggestions about what would look nice. It all seems to be what she wore. Yet he's told me she had no taste. Her house was a mess when he met her.

Recently an old school friend messaged me and he was seeing if I was single. I told him I was involved with someone. My boyfriend randomly brought it up a couple of days later saying how he never talks to other women. He said I was always on my phone on social media (I am on it a max of an hour a day). He then said i wasn't as bad as his ex. He later on that week started pointing out females that were attractive. This lasted just a few days.

At the weekend I was straightening my hair at his house. He asked me if I had those curling tongs and said women use them. Asked me if I ever used them and was acting like a clueless man about what women want with hair. I said I guess women want there hair the way they choose to style it!! I then said I take it your ex used to curl hers. Which she does in half her pictures have a wave or curl added into her hair. He went through a stage of saying I would suit it up more because I'm pretty. His ex often has her hair pulled back.

I think he is emotionally abusing me because he can't get over women that have hurt him in the past. Plus he can't get his head around his ex at all.

I feel like I need someone to sit and talk it all through with me and help me figure out the confusion in my mind. I can't explain to you how hard I find it trying to work out if he is forever thinking of his ex and comparing me.

He did tell me 6 months ago how hard he found it and how much he struggled splitting with her. He had to see a Councillor. Currently he acts very bitter towards her and seems wound up remembering little things about her. Like how much she loved gadgets and social media.

I can now see looking back the thousands of red flags, but coming from a happy well adjusted family with parents who love each other I had no idea, I literally didn’t understand what was happening.

This. The same happened to me. I didn't know what it was. I kept looking for solutions. But there are none.

I think it needs to start in schools, the defence training.

I can now see looking back the thousands of red flags, but coming from a happy well adjusted family with parents who love each other I had no idea, I literally didn’t understand what was happening.

Also me.

It’s why forums like Mumsnet are so important. I am sad when the dick-panderers turn up to scold posters who are suggesting that a partner’s behaviour is abusive.

If I’d had MN when I was in my emotionally abusive relationship I think I would have got out before my career and my mental health was destroyed.

But on the bigger question - we’re up against emotionally abusive relationships being normalised in TV and film, it’s an uphill struggle.

@Chocandtea - I’d throw this one back, he’s constantly comparing you to his ex and that’s not healthy for you.

@Imayhaveerred I have a close girlfriend who is a screenwriter who has just written a tv series based on her abusive marriage, it's been a long and difficult road for her emotionally but part of the reason she has struggled through it was in the hope that at least one person will eat h it and think, hang on, what's happening here at home isn't ok.

@Aphrodite31 I was the same, the hundreds of evenings I spent googling his behaviour, making excuses and explaining it away, finding reasons, he has chronic pain, he was so hurt in the past, bad childhood means he doesn't know how to love.

Turns out none of it mattered and he was abusing me because I allowed it.

I'm not bitter or even angry anymore, a bit sad that I allowed it to continue for so long after some significant issues but I feel like , now I know, I won't ever be able to not see these behaviours for what they are now, I'm confident I can see them in the future and wish I had been able to recognise them at the time.