How often do you speak to close friends?

[forgottenfriend]

Just that really. I don't mean on the phone, can be messages.

How often do you speak to friends you would consider 'close'? Even if its just a few quick messages?

I'm feeling pretty lonely. I don't have many friends and am single. But i'm starting to realise more and more, that my 'close' friends possibly don't put me in the same category. Say I have 3 close friends. All early - mid 30s.

Friend 1 - Known for 15 years. Don't message as much as we used to, but thats mainly from her side, I'd love to speak much more. I always aim to respond the same day if not day after. I am waiting for a response to a message sent from me on New Years Day where we exchanged some messages wishing each other NYE and asked each other what we had done to bring in the new year. The conversation has come to end, but not because of me and in the last message I had actually asked some questions that have gone unanwsered. She is married and has 2 kids.

Friend 2 - Long term friendship, can tell and trust each other with anything. But can go weeks without any contact from her. Meanwhile she updates her Socials and I know from seeing her in person she is always chatting on messenger to someone. We both make the effort to arrange meetings every month or so, but these few weeks of radio silence in between don't feel like how a close friend should be? Like I don't figure in her world hardly at all and feel like i'm hardly thought about. She is single.

Friend 3 - Came back to the area for Christmas, when I messaged her before hand she told me she 'couldn't wait to see me'. I left it when she returned to see if she would get in touch. Apart from a generic Merry Christmas and HNY, theres been nothing and so we didn't end up meeting up. She is single but has lots of other friends.

Just interested to know if this is normal in thirty somethings friendships. I don't feel as close to my 'friends' that I did in my 20s but I don't think thats because of me!

I think it really varies person to person.

My best friends I speak to daily on whatsapp as well as my older sisters and see them all at least once a month.

My other family I speaking to once a week or longer. We meet up every couple of months.

I then have close friends I speak to a couple of times a month and try and meet up with them a few times a year.

My partner on the other hand has best friends he sees once a year hut his friends are scattered all over the country. He speaks to them a couple times a month gia whatsapp etc

Age ranges 30-38 and almost all of us have kids

As a pp has said, I don't think the closeness of a friendship is dictated by the amount of contact.

I'm mid 30s and all my friends I've known since school, uni and my early 20s - and in that time the friendship has certainly evolved, as have our lives. We all spent loads more time chatting and catching up in our late teens/20s when no one had many responsibilities - whereas now with busy careers, life admin, hobbies, partners/families - there just isn't the same sort of time. So we message every couple of weeks, aim to meet up once every month or two, regular contact on socials so we can all see what the others are upto and like/comment etc.

I'm not single, but even when I was, it was the same, and it's never bothered me. As a single, I made sure that I filled my time with hobbies, where I made new friends I'd see regularly through the hobby, and also got very comfortable with my own company. I do think it's why I've managed to maintain all my old friendships - because I don't take it personally when friends aren't in contact as much, which makes them then want to reach out more because they know I'm very laidback, and always up for a meet up no matter how long it's been.

I can understand the loneliness, but the best way to deal with it, is find other avenues to fill the gap. Hobby groups are a great way to meet new people and have a regular catch up in the diary to be social. Also, just enjoying your friends for what they can offer, and not expecting things to stay the same definitely helps. The more loaded contact and meet ups become, the more reluctant people are to take on the stress.

I'm 62 -

friend 1 - sh's 64 - we text each other daily, meet up about every 3 weeks, for coffee and/or lunch somewhere.

friend 2 - is 41, has a child. We message most days, talk on the 'phone once a week, meet up every couple of months.

friend 3 - my age. We text on the odd occasion, meet once a week for snack and coffee, for an hour or 2. She's very outgoing, unlike me, and has loads of mates, unlike me.

I rarely reply, as it takes up a lot of my energy. I find this really interesting as it doesn't take up my energy to reply to messages, or at least, not in a bad way. I do quite enjoy the written word and wonder if it is due to this and that others may not enjoy writing much.

Sorry to hear this Op, I think when others have a life they consider full, and by that i mean DP/DH- family on doorstep etc, they tend to not feel the need to contact people much. They may see people they "value" but apart from that , they tend not to bother as they have all they need.

In my older yrs now, i have seen a pattern: I have " friends" who now find themselves, divorced/estranged/left/ widowed/kids left home etc.. all suddenly have more time for me. Calling me, txting me et al. Never bothered before, were not there when i got divorced, were not there when my Dad died. Were not there when i needed a thoughtful txt, not there when i could have done with a night out, not there when i needed a simple coffee. Not there at all when i had to isolate last yr due to DS positive Covid result , with so much as a loaf of bread. Never there.

They are now starting to find themselves unexpectedly single/left/divorced/ bereft/ alone and need company ( someone ) during the day, someone to attend things, someone to go on holiday etc. Suddenly i am flavour of the month . I always tried to maintain relationships with my
friends all my life. They had family, DP's etc as did i but, they did not find friendship important where as i did . I gave up in the end. I ignore them now, this is not how friendships work. They can be alone for all i care, that is exactly how they left me.

Op, friends will be just that, will call you, will respond to you, will consider you. They are really not friends. You really have not asked for much . I think you should widen your social circle and make more "acquaintances". People with whom you may have a shared interest, same shared free time and same values. Equally i would not expect too much from people. With kindness, your friends don't really " need" you anymore so this is how you are being treated. I am sure a few of them will be back in a few years.... don't be available.

Be and stay busy OP. Make a broader circle of friends and interests. Sorry you are experiencing this Op.

This comment:
"I rarely reply, as it takes up a lot of my energy".

This is really very sad as your reply could potentially mean so very much to the sender. I personally do not think i have ever witnessed a greater act of selfishness in all my 50 yrs . How much energy is even required or expended to type a txt? If you cannot even muster enough energy to reply to a txt, i feel for your energy levels. Perhaps you should look at your diet and nutrition, or see a GP .

Every day. X