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Original poster

Should I trust him?

34 replies

Missymojo · 09/01/2022 22:54

There’s a guy I’ve know since school who I’ve practically spoken to online every day for the last 10 years. We weren’t particularly close at school (left well over 15 years ago now) but we got chatting online not long after and I can honestly say he’s now my closest friend, and he says that I mean as much to him too. Though we’ve been close during those 10 years we hadn’t actually met up again in person until about a year ago and that’s when our relationship turned sexual. The thing is, whilst I’m single, he’s married and has been for the last two years. I’ve never met his wife, or spoken to her, but I presume she surely knows of my existence (as his friend, at least) as I’m constantly chatting to him via messenger throughout the day, surely something she’d notice?

When we first met up last year he explained that he and his wife had an open relationship and that she’d be ok with us having sex as she was also seeing other guys, which I believed as he’s always expressed that they’re quite open and in to all sorts of experimental ‘kinky’ stuff. Our plan was to have a ‘friends with benefits’ sort of relationship but as we’ve grown closer I’m starting to feel confused about my feelings for him, especially when he says things like he’d start a relationship with me straight away if his wife was to ever leave him for another man. Confused

I recently started to question his honesty and I wonder if his wife truly is open to the idea of him seeing other women, as he recently explained that as long as she doesn’t know the details then she’s ok with it (and same with him not knowing about who she sees) which seems odd but I guess plausible? He’s expressed that he and his wife are going through a rough patch of late and not actually having sex together, but also that he has suspicions she’s currently sleeping with her boss, which he says doesn’t bother him but I get the feeling it does. The thing is he confided with me that she had to take a pregnancy test recently (which turned out to be negative), and it just rang alarm bells with me cos either he’s lying about them not having sex with each other (why, I don’t know) or he’s lying about her sleeping with other men cos surely he’d be questioning the paternity if she was (which he wasn’t). Hmm

If this was some random guy I would probably think he was playing me and his wife for fools, but he’s my best friend that means the world to me and I just don’t know what to think. Am I right to be suspicious? I don’t want to call him out and risk losing the friendship we have but if he hasn’t been truthful about his relationship being open then I’m left with no choice but to end it.

OP posts:
Purpleraspberry · 09/01/2022 23:06

Going by what you said, I have doubts! There are some definite inconsistencies in his story, and him saying they are going through a bad patch is the oldest line in the book too.

What also makes me wonder is, why did you not meet up in person for so long, and only when you did, it became sexual. Was there any flirting at all during that 10 years previous to you meeting up? That makes me question his motivations to want to meet up. 10 years is a long time to just be talking online.

Bananarama21 · 09/01/2022 23:12

Of course he's lying 🤥

GentlemanJayFab · 09/01/2022 23:16

Red flags all over the place. If he had a genuinely open relationship, she'd be happy to talk to you to confirm.

Not having sex then a pregnancy scare?

She will have no idea about you. Please don't think she will.

He's lying about so much.

Rubyyyy · 09/01/2022 23:17

Oh god this sounds messy! I would definitely think he’s still having a sexual relationship with his wife and you have turnt into the other woman.

WTGN · 09/01/2022 23:38

🤥 🤥 🤥

Opentooffers · 09/01/2022 23:50

If the best friend you've got in life is someone who has been virtual for 10 years, then you lead a rather strange and solitary life in the real world maybe. The thing about virtual and online is a lot of it can be fantasy, and the longer it goes on for the more fantasy content and 10 years is a long time!! If he really wanted a relationship with you, he would of met you 10 years ago, not dated and got married to someone else. Looks like he's just using you because its going wrong with his wife, you are a rebound shag I'm afraid.
You've spent 10 years swallowing everything a person has told you, there is something deeply wrong about that

Original poster
Missymojo · 10/01/2022 00:35

When we were both single we had planned to meet up and go on a date all those years ago, but I got nervous and called it off. Then he was in a relationship with somebody else (before he met his wife) and we were just friends that kept in touch for a while. Over time something just developed between us, there was flirting yes, but I tried to make it just friendly between us for a long time.

There were occasions where he wanted to meet during those 10 years, as friends and towards the latter end I think as more, but again my anxiety about meeting in person put a stop to it. As a friend he’s always been understanding about my anxiety, which I should add is something I’ve struggled with for a long time (it’s why I’ve been single for the last 10 years and also why my best friend was a virtual one for that time).

OP posts:
Opentooffers · 10/01/2022 00:54

By being there for 10 years and looking for support in the virtual world, you've been able to take the path of least resistance when really over those 10 years it's sorting out your anxieties and living in the real world that should of been your focus. Unfortunately, he's been a distraction to your own growth and development. 10 years of not forming real friendships or relationships because you had him as a virtual comfort to fall back on. It's not healthy, and it has stifled you. I hope you are in therapy, counselling for your issues as that's what you need to progress.

Pinkbonbon · 10/01/2022 01:07

I'd just ask her. Send her a fb message, tell her her he has said and say you are just checking he isn't bullshitting you. That's not giving her any details about things so it doesn't break their agreement much if it is true. And he should respect that as a woman you have to check these things, not just take a man at face value as it concerns your sexual health.

Personally I think he is talking shit. So called friendships mean very little to men that want into your pants.

MMmomDD · 10/01/2022 01:27

Something definitely doesn’t add up there.
And at best - you are his backup.
What do you actually want in life? Not with him specifically, but in general?
Do you want to be in a relationship?

You are late 20s - early 30s? Don’t waste time waiting around a man who doesn’t really want to be with you.

Original poster
Missymojo · 10/01/2022 01:31

@Opentooffers

By being there for 10 years and looking for support in the virtual world, you've been able to take the path of least resistance when really over those 10 years it's sorting out your anxieties and living in the real world that should of been your focus. Unfortunately, he's been a distraction to your own growth and development. 10 years of not forming real friendships or relationships because you had him as a virtual comfort to fall back on. It's not healthy, and it has stifled you. I hope you are in therapy, counselling for your issues as that's what you need to progress.
I don’t know, I feel like he’s been a great support for me during those 10 years. I guess without his friendship I may have pushed myself more. I can definitely say he’s been a virtual comfort to fall back on though. He’s still my only support really, honestly, the amount of crap he’s had to deal with from me over those years... no man would endure that just for the possibility of sex in the long run. Surely?!

I did see a counsellor a really long time ago, thank you. I’m also hoping to give cognitive behavioural therapy another go.

Actually meeting him in person a year ago was the biggest thing I’ve ever done and a big step for my anxiety. I hate to think it could also have been a step to becoming ‘the other woman’ too. Really don’t want to be that person Sad

OP posts:
Pinkbonbon · 10/01/2022 01:37

Actually, better still, I'd take him out for dinner and after about an hour of casually chatting, I'd drop into the convo that I messaged his wife just to check it was OK before we went on the date. Then just watch him fucking shit himself.

I might add 'she replied to say all was fine. It was actually her that recommended this place. Actually, she was most insistent we eat a full three course menu and drink lots of wine and enjoy ourselves. She says you deserve a night out. What a nice woman'. Then watch him realise that his wife is packing up to leave him right this second haha.

Onthedunes · 10/01/2022 01:47

I think the time to be asking these questions should have been before you both had sex.

Why believe him?

You've known him for 10 years surely you would have wanted to be sure that he and his wife were having an open relationship.

I can't figure out whose using who between you both but I do know I feel sorry for the wife as I doubt whether she has a clue about you having sex with her husband.

Phone her up ask her and if she says they don't have an open arragement, then apologise and tell him to fuck off.

Find a single man to gain support and comfort from.

Suzi888 · 10/01/2022 01:53

I wouldn’t trust him, I think it’s very unlikely his wife knows you have a sexual relationship. She may not even know you exist…

Original poster
Missymojo · 10/01/2022 01:54

@Pinkbonbon

Actually, better still, I'd take him out for dinner and after about an hour of casually chatting, I'd drop into the convo that I messaged his wife just to check it was OK before we went on the date. Then just watch him fucking shit himself.

I might add 'she replied to say all was fine. It was actually her that recommended this place. Actually, she was most insistent we eat a full three course menu and drink lots of wine and enjoy ourselves. She says you deserve a night out. What a nice woman'. Then watch him realise that his wife is packing up to leave him right this second haha.

Oh my gosh Grin well there’s an idea haha!

I really have thought about getting in touch with her though, I’m just worried about the potential outcome. Either way, whether he’s lying about the open relationship or not, I’m not sure it’d go well if I suddenly popped up in her messenger.

He has casually mentioned about the three of us going for drinks before actually. Whether he actually meant it, I’m not sure. But knowing my anxiety he probably knew I would say no to that? I mean, that would be a really awkward situation anyway, wouldn’t it.

OP posts:
Pinkbonbon · 10/01/2022 01:58

You could call his bluff and ask him to arrange it. Betting that even if a time and date was arranged that either it would be cancelled at the last minute or, only he would turn up and there would be dome excuse as to why she couldn't go. Social anxiety wise, you could get a mate to go check if she showed.

Bellyups · 10/01/2022 02:18

He’s full of shit.
You’re being a mug.
Plus, ‘if his wife left for someone else he’d definitely be you’ ?? ConfusedHmm
I don’t think there’s ever been a more clear and succinct sentence that tells you you’re second best at most

Original poster
Missymojo · 10/01/2022 02:35

@Pinkbonbon

You could call his bluff and ask him to arrange it. Betting that even if a time and date was arranged that either it would be cancelled at the last minute or, only he would turn up and there would be dome excuse as to why she couldn't go. Social anxiety wise, you could get a mate to go check if she showed.
Hmmm, that actually sounds like a plan. I could bring up the idea of us all meeting up and see what he makes of it. In hindsight it’s just another thing that makes absolutely no sense though, isn’t it. He said she’s ok with the open relationship as long as she doesn’t know.... yet she’d be ok with meeting me for drinks? Confused

I know how this all looks by the way, and I totally agree it’s an awful situation for his wife, and his wife only, if it turns out he’s lying about the open relationship. All I can say is that in all the years of knowing him I’ve grown to trust him, I honestly didn’t think he’d be lying about it, otherwise I wouldn’t have slept with him in the first place. We’ve talked about his ‘open relationship’ in great detail before and it really took me a while to even acknowledge they existed, never mind accept the fact that he’s in one. The things we’ve talked about... I feel like it would be impossible for him to make it all up. As his close friend I’ve even offered advice when he’s mentioned things like his suspicions about his wife and her boss. Plus the fact he’s on his phone at all hours of the day, chatting to me, when he’s sat right next to his wife. I really thought she must know?

OP posts:
Original poster
Missymojo · 10/01/2022 02:54

@Bellyups

He’s full of shit. You’re being a mug. Plus, ‘if his wife left for someone else he’d definitely be you’ ?? ConfusedHmm I don’t think there’s ever been a more clear and succinct sentence that tells you you’re second best at most
Yeah, I definitely felt like sh*t when he said that. I actually think he said it in an attempt to make me feel better too? Really shocked me Sad

I do get the impression he’s testing the waters with me, but then that’s something else that convinces me that he and his wife really do have an open relationship! He’s talked about the kinky kind of stuff that they’re in to (not really my kind of thing tbh), but I feel like an open relationship is one of those kinks. I really do think he’s trying to figure out if I’d be in to all of that too or not and whether he should just stick with his wife who is? Can you see what I mean?

It sounds absolutely insane, I know. Why would I want anything to do with a guy like that, but ugh, I don’t know any more. So confused!

OP posts:
Pinkbonbon · 10/01/2022 03:00

The whole 'wife shagging her boss' could just be a story to excuse him cheating if you caught him out though. 'Oh she is sleeping around too though so it's fine'. I mean, he has hit all the similar troupes 'we are just going through a rough patch atm', 'we aren't sleeping together anymore' ect...all that's missing for a full house of lying, cheating bastard bingo there is 'we only stay together for the kids'.

Plus, cheats usually think their partner are cheating on them. Because they are dishonest, they expect everyone else is too.

Tbh op, at best, it sounds messy. Not really sure why you'd want to get involved with this.

Original poster
Missymojo · 10/01/2022 03:00

Thank you so much to everyone that’s offered their opinion by the way. I really appreciate your advice.

OP posts:
Nix1991 · 10/01/2022 03:03

You are totally right to be suspicious.

It sounds to me as though his wife doesn't have a clue. If he's being dishonest with her, you can almost guarantee he is being dishonest with you..

1forAll74 · 10/01/2022 03:24

I wouldn't want to get mixed up with him anymore, it's a messy and foolish way of life, I would not want to get involved with his wife in any way either. It seems that you have relied on this person far too much over the years, when you say you needed support for things, Its all too messy, you don't know what is really going on behind the scenes.

GentlemanJayFab · 10/01/2022 08:14

@Opentooffers

By being there for 10 years and looking for support in the virtual world, you've been able to take the path of least resistance when really over those 10 years it's sorting out your anxieties and living in the real world that should of been your focus. Unfortunately, he's been a distraction to your own growth and development. 10 years of not forming real friendships or relationships because you had him as a virtual comfort to fall back on. It's not healthy, and it has stifled you. I hope you are in therapy, counselling for your issues as that's what you need to progress.
This. Get in the real world.
GentlemanJayFab · 10/01/2022 08:19

Open relationship are based on honestly and knowing what's going on. Not secretly going behind someone's back.

This is bullshit.

"He said she’s ok with the open relationship as long as she doesn’t know.... yet she’d be ok with meeting me for drinks?"