10 years with my sons father & I felt I had to kick him out, I’ve been blocked for 2 weeks and feel like a terrible person!

[Newhere1394]

I was with my sons father for almost 10 years. I gave him a final chance after substance abuse issues getting serious, he got clean but relapsed & I had to call it a day due to the stress of the lies & fear of the relapses. He blocked me since he left 2 weeks ago & I’ve had to arrange contact with our son for a few hours through his parents. I feel so guilty that I couldn’t stand by him & support him, he was so desperate to be with us as a family during his recovery from cocaine. He is also getting on with his life having fun with friends & I am a bit of a depressed hermit. I thought I made the right choice ending things due to the addiction and the way it effected me when he was using or coming down. Did I make the right choice & do you think he will keep me blocked for a very long time due to being angry at me?

You made the right choice. He’s a drug addict. Run 🏃‍♂️

Sounds like you bent over backwards to support him. Now it's time to cut your losses and run. Some people are permanently in self destruct mode and are happy to self destruct your entire little family.

You made the right move for your son too. It's tough right now but you will be glad you did this. It might be worth going to the CAB and seeking information on your entitlements. I was shocked to learn I would be entitled to some help.

I'd thos the coke dealer?

He's playing you. Blocking you and going out having fun. Leaving you with the child care. You have no way of contacting him in an emergency about your child.
You feel awful for leaving him and sorry for him.
Step back and look in on your life.
Is that a man to feel sorry for ?
Is he doing right by his child?
Is he trying to put things right ?
Do you want your child to grow up in a household led by addiction and drugs ?
You're doing the right thing for your child and you. Don't look back.

Who gives a monkeys about him blocking you and being angry? At the end of the day, he wasn't facing up to responsibilities. If your child is young, you could have ended up having safeguarding issues etc. Look after your son and yourself as number 1!

Certainly want the healthiest future possible. It’s just sad as he gets clean for weeks at a time and during those weeks is an amazing man. I just can’t handle him relapsing and having an ongoing problem with it. Sometimes I just think why couldn’t I have been stronger and understood addiction more but the truth is, I hate addictions to substances and hate everything to do with drugs

Why is it your responsibility to understand his addictive behaviours? Seems like the wrong way round to me! How long has he had this habit?

Sorry you are feeling bad, but you've got this the wrong way round. He should be the one wringing his hands and bring gutted that he's wrecked his family. Tbh, the longer a cokehead keeps you blocked the better. You don't need that shit around your children.

You totally did the right thing, you’d of spent your life in the same vicious circle.
Now you get to move on

I think it’s been 4 years. But I only found out 6 months ago. The past 1 year he was showing symptoms of a serious health condition and played it off as that but it was drugs. He’s been clean 8 weeks at a time but seems to be the longest he’s managed to make it!

It’s just because he made some good changes by getting therapy himself but then has made further changes since our break up. He really wanted to come home, I suggested he contacts me in the future when he’s really clean long term, he said “F that, just so you can be single and do what you want” which was like a knife to the heart but never mind. I’m single because he was relapsing on coke it wasn’t really my choice.

Is this the big time coke dealer there was a thread about last week? If so You know you needed to leave him he was driving high on drugs with your son in the car!!!! What will it take for you to see he was no good? So what hes blocked you and hes having fun? Get your life back for you and your son

Oh op I completely understand what you are saying. In my experience, now… I comple agree with pp saying it’s not your responsibility, you e done the right thing, he’s a waste of space etc. However a year ago I was in the same position. I kicked my ex out for the same reasons. At the time I was wracked with guilt, did I do enough to help him? Have I done the right thing for our child? Could I have done more? Why has he blocked me? When he’s clean he’s amazing, supportive/great dad/ good partner.
Thing is op living with an addict you are conditioned into taking on their problems as your own. You see the person they “could be” without the substance abuse. It’s an awful situation to be in, addiction is awful. However it’s his problem. Not yours. If you’re anything like I was you’ll have done all you can to help. It’s not for you to take on. My ex goes through periods of being clean and sober, sees our son etc then periods of relapse where I’ll be subject to abuse, late night rambling texts about how everything is my fault blah blah.
Honestly op in a few months you will look back and see you’ve done the right thing. You can’t fix him.

Thank you for sharing that. I would like to think I did all I can but he wouldn’t disagree that I didn’t support him enough. I feel that it’s been a real rollercoaster and he’s only just starting to take his recovery journey. It could be a long time until he’s stable and happy without drugs for long periods of time without relapsing. I guess it’s not fair to make my body live in fear of if he will use again but even now he’s gone I still worry! I hope I can shift my focus on to my son and myself and stop being obsessed by the situation. I really like his addiction really took me hostage also.

He is also getting on with his life having fun with friends

You mean he's out taking drugs and sleeping with women.

This is a truly awful man. You should count your lucky stars you're free of him. Don't make the effort to arrange contact with your child. Wait for him to make some effort.

It does take you hostage! All I can say is I remember spending so much time thinking about his addiction/thinking of ways to help him/ hours internet searching recovery etc…
Whilst he was off snorting crap up his nose and not thinking for one minute the impact of HIS addiction on me and our baby. I guess what I’m saying is (and I had months of therapy to come to this conclusion) addicts are ultimately selfish. You cannot support them if they are in any way ambivalent about their problem. It affects YOU not them. I held onto the hope for way too long that he would get clean, realise what he had lost etc. Ulitimatley the lure of the drugs is always stronger than any emotional connection.
Op I have worked in various jobs including mental health, substance abuse, children’s services… I was the last person anyone looking infron the outside would expect to be dragged into the crap he caused for me. It happens. You try and help, you feel almost ashamed you didn’t “do enough”.
All I can say a year on is he’s not changed. Never will. (Many people do and recover obviously I’m not disregarding that!) but again it’s not your problem to fix!
We have no contact now and although that’s sad for my son we are so much happier!

I assume this is the dealer from other threads? The details are exactly the same.

If so then you need to stop feeling guilty the relationship ended and start feeling guilty you allowed your son to be in danger for so long and let that fuel you to stay away from this absolute waste of space.

He did fuck all for your child other than put him in danger. Your son should come first. Stop romanticising this drug dealing, drug using, financially and emotionally abusive arsehole. That HE blocked YOU is madness.

You've been given excellent advice on multiple threads. Can you share what you've acted on so far so we can suggest other things to do / remind you of things missed on other threads.

I think it’s been 4 years. But I only found out 6 months ago.

Using, maybe. But he was dealing for the duration of your almost decade long relationship and you knew 6 months in but decided to stay with him, get pregnant and get married.

The past 1 year he was showing symptoms of a serious health condition and played it off as that but it was drugs.

He let you and your son believe he was seriously ill despite knowing it was because of Coke.

Come on, please please put your son first.

If this man never contacts you or your son again you should be relieved. Being in contact puts you in emotional and physical danger. And your son in both.

On your previous thread I shared a link of a mother and son who died in a fire as a result of arson by a drug dealer who was giving a warning to others re debt, debt from the husband of that mum and dad of that son. That's the kind of industry your husband funds. The industry that funds the misery of addicts, violence, prostitution, recruitment of kids to run county lines. You keep saying his particular line of dealing doesn't do those things... yet you say he's high up. A kingpin. He DOES facilitate, encourage and enforce those things at least on some level.

You need to stop lying to yourself about who he is. He isn't a good man who has done bad things. He's a bad person who has very occasionally done the bare minimum for a few hours for your son e.g. buying him a toy. He doesn't even give you, the mother of his child, money!

You said my tough talking helped before. You also seem unable to put your son's welfare first and are still second guessing your decision to break up with him. This isn't a typical situation. He is a dangerous man.

The BEST outcome is him blocking you forever. The best.