Am I doing the right thing?

[PhoenixFire7]

Hi, I’m in a bad place and I need advice from people that don’t know me which lead me to you lovely people.

I’m going to start with the age old question, should we stay together for our child? (dd5).

Together 16 years - met in my teens, never married because to him it wasn’t a priority. Had a good relationship whilst we were young but had our dd and things went from bad to worse.
I was basically alone as he has issues with exercise and food which took him away from us. He also likes a good social life. Didn’t help at all around the house, even DIY & decorating. I had no support at all.

Long story short, after years of arguments and trying to make us work, he has tried his best to change his ways which I appreciate but it has left me with a huge amount of resentment and the inability to work on us anymore.

I have moved out previously (a few times) and always come back. We just end up back here. My mental health is taking such a bad hit now and I’m not living the life I want to live at all. We are so different now and I have never really received any affection from him which has destroyed my confidence also.

I have fought so many times for us and I’m seriously running on empty.
I have the opportunity to move out with my daughter and begin my life again but he wants a last ditch attempt to save us by going to counselling. The thing is, I asked him to go to counselling many times before and he plainly refused. Now he is trying to force me in to it.
I want to give her a happy mum….well, happy parents but I don’t think that is together.
Am I being selfish? Should I stay so she has her family together even thought I’m not even sure how I’d make that possible?
I’m am so mixed up right now xx

You really aren't mixed up. It shines through every sentence of your post that you have tried everything, he didn't respond and it's now over. It's really over, end it, you will both be happier as will your child. You are never going to be a happy couple.

Absolutely not being selfish. You need to prioritise you.

I left my exH 11 weeks ago. Like you, he always refused therapy. Now he wants it and that we because he realised I was serious about our marriage/relationship being over. However he never respected me when I told him how unhappy I was previously. It just went in one ear and out the other.

We all have our breaking points. We all get to that point where we just can't try anymore. It's completely normal. It's just typical it's only then that our partners realise what they are going to lose. When the damage is already done.

Move forward on your own is my advice op. Don't waste anymore time on your relationship. You and your dd will be fine. Good luck z

@pog100 thank you for your reply. I guess you’re right, I do know it’s what I want and I feel I’ve tried everything. But then he is in my ear telling me that he’ll never forgive me for not trying that last one thing and taking his daughter away from him (he can see her whenever he likes - I’d never stop that).
That mixes me up when I hate hurting him and being the one to make the final decision.

@maskedwoman thank you for your reply. I admire you for being so strong. I think it would be different for both of us if we didn’t have dd but he is making me feel so awful.

I just want everyone to be happy.

It's not going to work. You've tried by the sound of things. Do you go through the motions of counselling like I did only to split a couple of years later?

You’ve said the one word that is a relationship killer, that will never go away - resentment.
It’s over. Stop torturing yourself, stop letting him control you. Take control of your life.

What he should be saying is he'll never forgive himself for not trying harder to make the relationship work.
But no its your fault.
Can you see where this is leading?

then he is in my ear telling me that he’ll never forgive me for not trying that last one thing and taking his daughter away from him

That is so manipulative. Turning it around as if it's on you, when from what I've gathered he's the one who has resisted counselling until now, so blaming you for his mistakes, not on.

Op, I don't think he will change in the fundamental way you need to be happy. Just his reaction to this is proof enough.