Zero Emotional Support from Husband

[Jazzy80]

Hi all
Ives been married for 15 years and have two DCs with my husband - we have been together since I was 20, my first proper relationship.
He is ex forces, unromantic but is a good provider for our family and in practical terms is a good husband, emotionally wise, not so much.
Although I’ve obviously been aware of his emotional unavailability it’s never been too much of a problem - until the last 6 months or so. I’m an only child and my Mum was diagnosed with brain cancer, which was discovered when she took a sudden turn for the worst and ended up in ICU.
My husband just didn’t know what to do. He called me draining and had no empathy, it was almost like it was a massive inconvenience to him.
I’ve explained to him how it has made the worst time of my life even worse and he has agreed that his emotions ‘need work’.
It’s really put me off him. I’m almost scared of falling in bad times again as I feel I will be again on my own (emotionally not practically, if this makes sense?)
Are all men like this??? I’ve not had a previous relationship to compare,
Thanks all.

Not all men are like this. My father was emotionally unavailable and my parents' marriage in divorce eventually after nearly 30 years. My mum found his unavailability very hard. It's sad that your husband isn't able to there for you in your hardest moment. After all marriage isn't just for the good bits. You won't change him so maybe best to turn to a close friend in regards to needing emotional support instead and accept that you can't reply on him for that part of your relationship.

Ended* in divorce

And that should have read rely* on him

All men are not like this, but when they are it can be soul destroying, I'm so sorry, that sounds like a really hard situation

Your husband wasn't just "unavailable" though, was he? He was cruel. I wouldn't live with a man like that. What's the point of him?

@Aquamarine1029 it’s the cruelty that hurts. They say hard times show ‘true friends’ my reality is that it’s much closer to home than that. Sometimes it’s best to feel alone whilst actually being alone instead of alone and with someone.

I'm so sorry about your mum. And I'm sorry that your husband is being so self-centred. It's not fair to tell someone that they're "draining" when they're going through something so painful. Even if that's how you feel you don't say it out loud! Part of being married is supporting each other through the hard times, it's not always sunshine and roses.

For what it's worth, my partner is not like this and is incredibly supportive. However, I think a lot of men just bottle everything up and don't provide emotional support to their friends so they just have no understanding of how to do it (or even that they should be doing it). I agree with a PP about talking to your friends (or maybe even a therapist) instead.

No, I'd go so far as to say that the vast majority of men are not like this. My exh was not very supportive but would still have done a lot better than this. Current bf would be a rock.
Sometimes being with someone is lonelier than being alone, isn't it.
He has admitted he's been crap, though?

Oh, I was slow typing that out and hadn't read your last comment!
Sorry about your mum.

I feel like it has opened my eyes to him. Part of me feels sad for him that he has ‘something lacking’ the other part of me resents him for it.

Has your husband ever had to deal with grief before? I often find people who haven't experienced it are not good at this kind of support (especially men but also some women).

Hi Jazzy my husband is like this, he even becomes cross the more I suffer. His latest stunts have left me certain it's over. There's no way I want to be old and vulnerable around him.

@lemuelgulliver exactly! There’s no way he’d love and support me through an illness. I feel like I have just woke up. The signs were always there, just maybe life has been plain sailing until now and the difficult time has highlighted who he is

Hey.
It's no excuse but I noticed you said he's ex forces. Do you think that has something to do with his emotional unavailability?
I think men in general bottle stuff up much more than women but if you've seen terrible things whilst serving in the forces does it possibly harden you a bit. A bit like self preservation?
Just a thought. X

@Ilovedogs1 yes, armed forces and some issues with his upbringing I think.

Like a previous poster said, I’m worried about growing old and vulnerable with him. I can’t imagine him ever pulling out all the stops if I was to become ill or anything.