Help with ending marriange

[ElisabethMay]

I am so low and and am reaching out to anyone who can provide advice or support in helping me decide what to do please. I am a young 55 and have been married for 30 years, I've known my husband for 40 years. We have two amazing daughters aged 25 and 19. For at least the last 15 years I have slowly fallen out of love with my husband to the point where I don't even like him anymore. It repulses me when he tries to be intimate and i can't bear him to be near me.
Over the years I feel like he's let me down, he has an alcohol dependency, not to the point where he's an alcoholic but he puts drink over and above anything else and he really can't handle it. He gets very paranoid and opiniated and none of us can bear to be around him when he gets like that, he will often drink before breakfast and even before he goes to work sometimes. Over the years my girls have come to despise him, they've watched him throwing up in the garden and knocking things over etc. He does the bare minimum around the house even though we both work full time. We don't like to do the same things, all he wants to do is watch TV or go to the pub, but I like travelling, walking and fitness, I feel that I've grown as a person but he's moved backwards. He won't talk about our relationship and just says that I'm nagging and he'll just walk away. He's in denial about how bad things are. I want to leave him but am finding it hard to make the first step, 40 years is a long time to know someone and I really don't know how it all works or where I stand financially, I love my home and don't want to leave but at my age I can't afford a mortgage to buy him out. I have savings but they are my nest egg for retirement. I am at the lowest point I've ever been and would welcome any help please.

I'm so sorry you're going through this.

From what you have said I think it's the right decision to leave. But you know that already.

I'd call a solicitor tomorrow morning first thing and make an appointment to go in and speak to her.

Subtly collect all your paperwork. Mortgage, savings accounts, investments, pension, debt and loans. The whole shebang. Make copies and keep with a friend or take photos on your phone and back up to iCloud. Make sure you have all your important documents to hand- passport, marriage certificate, birth certificate.

If you don't have your own bank account (not a joint account) go into the bank tomorrow and open one up. Take in some cash to start it off, even if only £10.

Most importantly look after yourself. Do you have friends or family you can speak to in real life about this?

I can’t help with making up your mind, but can give you a rough idea on the financials
If you are in England - after this long marriage everything you have - including pension savings is considered joint assets, and with grown children is likely to be split 50/50.
As you both work - there most likely won’t be a question of maintenance.

So - in your place I’d do the numbers and see what sort of life you can have - and plan accordingly.

At 55 you still can have a nice and fun life and meet someone to travel with. But you also need to be OK on your own - as you can’t count on it.
By the sound of your H - is as an alcoholic and living with him isn’t easy.
If it weren’t so - you could stay and try to do more things you like independently. Travel, hobbies, etc. There are couples who live together but do their own things.
But i get a feeling it’s not really possible in your case.

Don’t get bogged down in your sunk costs.

Consider also what you have taught and are teaching your adult children about relationships here. You would surely not want them to have such a marriage but you’re currently showing them this is still acceptable to you on some level. I would also think they wonder why you are still with their dad, they could well be viewing you as still putting him before them or you.

Do seek legal advice from a firm of solicitors. Knowledge here is also power. Change is scary but feel the fear and do it anyway. Get off the merry go around named denial re his alcoholism as well. His primary relationship is with drink, it’s not with you and infact never has been with you either.

Thank you for all your kind comments. I think if we split the house, or I bought him out I would need a mortgage of around £150K, it would be around £860 per month until I retire, it's such a big cost. This is my main concern, my youngest daughter still lives with us so will need to support her too.

Does your younger daughter study or work? Is she on the path to figuring out a future career?
You can’t think of her as a child that you need to support, You need to be preparing her for independent life.
So - I don’t think you should be thinking of buying a house that used to house a family with two children. You will not need this much space in the future, and your 19yo should be moving out to have her own life in the next few years.
Can you hang on for a bit longer until she is more independent? And in the meanwhile - can you not make your life happier? What js stopping you from doing things you like, even if H doesn’t want to participate?

Sounds like you need to think about downsizing OP, rather than expecting a home that's the equivalent of what you have now.

If you divorce him you're not going to need a big family home. You're going to need a much much smaller place for you (and potentially another partner in future). So a two bed place would be fine based on one room for you, and one room for your dependant daughter whilst she is around for the next few years and for guests in the future.

You're at a point where your needs are dramatically changing and I know that's hard to get used to.

When my mum divorced my dad, in the space of 2 years she went from being in a 5 bed house with the 5 of us plus a dog. In the 2 years, we all left home for uni, the dog died and dad moved out. She was so sad rattling around a big house by herself and she really keenly felt the emptiness/ quietness

Fast forward to now she has a gorgeous townhouse to herself. It's smaller but beautifully decorated and she is so much happier with her own things and her own life.

I know that you may see that as a dramatic change from what you have now but think how nice it will be to have your own space with control of your decor, who comes and goes without your drunk husband being a twat.

My youngest daughter is at college for another 2 years and then she's hoping to go to uni. She has ASD and social anxiety which she's made good progress on overcoming but she still struggles so isn't currently working. You've made me realise that I need to be more realistic in what property I potentially go for. I know that I need to take some action, the thought of spending another year feeling like this is unbearable. It wouldn't be so bad if he just listened to me and tried to make it work but he's in total denial.

Have you thought about going to a support group like al-anon ? - it's for the family of alcoholics and it supports the family around the issues that occur due to alcoholism.

I am a recovering alcoholic (4 years) but also had an alcoholic parent and found them such great support in untangling myself from the co-dependency that I was locked into.

Unfortunately separating and divorcing someone with a drinking problem (call it what you will) comes with it's own smorgasbord of additional issues, manipulations and heartache. Having people who understand how difficult, challenging and upsetting this can be is a great support and comfort. I cannot recommend them enough.

I would however advise you to "shop around" as each meeting is unique and some are a better fit than others. Go to a few and go more than once before you settle on one - if indeed this is something you are prepared to try, good luck and best wishes.

@ElisabethMay

My youngest daughter is at college for another 2 years and then she's hoping to go to uni. She has ASD and social anxiety which she's made good progress on overcoming but she still struggles so isn't currently working. You've made me realise that I need to be more realistic in what property I potentially go for. I know that I need to take some action, the thought of spending another year feeling like this is unbearable. It wouldn't be so bad if he just listened to me and tried to make it work but he's in total denial.

One of my sisters has ASD too and I totally get it adds another dimension to making changes in your life. Such a hard situation for you.