Help me quit this damaging fantasy

[freezerdinners]

I met a guy 20years ago. We did not get together romantically but have sustained a friendship all this time.

A few years ago he told me he loved me. It unexpectedly sent me into a tailspin and he now mentally represents all I was too young fearful and foolish to choose in a relationship. I now ruminate over missed opportunities for us to have got together, and fantasise about what life would be like now if we had. I long to grow old in a life shared with him.

It didn't happen, and will never happen. We are both married to other people and have kids. There is no reality in which we could be happily together now.

How can I escape my head? It's ridiculous and damaging. My husband can't possibly measure up to my fantasy relationship so I am making myself feel dissatisfied and trapped. It's pointless thinking but my brain won't relent.

Did he confess this all-encompassing, Byronic love while you were married OP?

If so, there's the pin that will prick the fantasy balloon. Because that's not the action of a friend, let alone a potential romantic prospect.

If I've got that wrong, try a technique which people deploy for dealing with anxiety.
You allow yourself you acknowledge that you are anxious. You ten set a time - say "between 5 & 6pm on Friday, I can worry about Anxiety X for an entire hour."
Until then, deflect the thoughts.
At your chosen hour - have a daydream. It's harmless if it's only a scheduled hour a week or whatever - you need to stop the fantasy from taking over & making real life look dull, by its false glamour.

It's ok to have these feelings OP. They are an escape, you know they have zero chance of being acted on.
So make an outlet for them - then once you've had your hour, pick yourself up, count all the blessings you can think of concerning DH, DC, & your home ... & back to 'real life' until your next scheduled daydream.

No relationship can live up to a fantasy relationship, because that’s what fantasy is, it’s not real life. You aren’t comparing like for like.

When you met your husband and he first told you he loved you, you were no doubt very happy and full of longing to be with him and presumably married him for reasons and feelings that made total sense at the time. That heady ‘in love’ rush develops into a deeper, more meaningful love over time, that endures through life’s hardships and celebrates life’s good times.

If you’d married this other man, by now you might have fallen out of love with him, he with you, or any one of a million other negative possibilities. When fantasising about what might have been, we tend to stick to all the relentlessly positive outcomes. It makes the daydream more enjoyable. The negatives are just as valid as the positives as they too, are fantasy.

Have you seen the Pixar animation movie “Inside Out”? The mum fantasises in one scene about the exciting Brazilian helicopter pilot she dated when younger, and looks across the table at her husband. He is much loved he’s the ‘known’ and comes up short at that moment. It’s a comedy moment because we’ve all probably got our own ‘Brazilian helicopter pilot’ from out past that it’s fun to daydream about sometimes.

When it becomes an obsession, it’s harder though. If your husband left you tomorrow, would you miss him? Does that thought fill you with dread or relief? If you don’t want to lose your husband, focus on him and the present moment. Would you be hurt if he posted on here that he couldn’t stop fantasising about an ex? If you would, you have your answer. Get busy with your husband, cook a nice meal together, spend more time together. Obvious advice, but it really works. Put the mental energy you spend on the fantasy on the precious reality you have. Things might really improve for you. It honestly works, the grass isn’t greenest on the other side of the fence, it’s greenest where you water it.

Take care and don’t beat yourself up about it, pretty much everyone does this every now and again or Pixar wouldn’t have used it as something we identify with in their movie! X

Are you me? I'm going through this very thing at the moment. The one that got away. I screwed up and lost him. He's still part of my life too, which makes it tricky.

In these situations, always remember your "why". Why did you fall inlove and marry your husband. He must have qualities that you admire, otherwise you would not have married him. The mind is a powerful tool and can play dangerous tricks on us if we allow it to! That man which you fantasise about might have some undesirable qualities that you might not be aware of.

Thanks all for responding and giving me some useful things to try and to think about.

@ChargingBuck yes he did tell me while I was married and with young children. I know you are right but I struggle to muster any real anger towards him for it. I will consider the allocated time idea - might help to limit my thoughts on it. Thank you.

@Thewookiemustgo thank you - some useful insights and perspectives in your comment.

@beguilingeyes oh no I'm sorry. It's rough isn't it. You (we) are not alone it seems. It is hard when they are still in your life. I've wondered about cutting all ties but that feels to sad and extreme. He's always been a friend.

@ScorpioTwinkle1indeed you are right. I would most likely be posting on here with some other issues if I was with him now instead!

I think I need to look more closely at my own real life and relationship and consider what this fantasy is telling me I'm lacking. I actually think I may need some professional help to do so. It feels insurmountable regret and longing to address on my own.

Professional help is a really sound idea Freezer.

Also loving @Thewookiemustgo's the grass isn’t greenest on the other side of the fence, it’s greenest where you water it. & hope you are able to put some energy into recreating fun & connection with DH

@ChargingBuck thanks, I love it too. I would love to take credit for it but I read it somewhere, wish I could remember where.

He is manipulating you, there's nothing good, kind or decent about a man who would do this to you, not just to you but to your DH and family, its dangerous. Protect yourself, protect your kids. It isn't romantic it is damaging you already, he is trying to break up your marriage and home for his own immature, selfish reasons. Totally agree with what others have said.

Google "limerence".

I’m with chargingbuck on this one.

How unkind he is to try to rattle your foundations when you are married with a young family.

What a knob he is to tell you when he is married himself. His poor wife.

I would keep telling myself that someone who is prepared to ruin two homes is not someone I would ever want to be with.

He is selfish and self absorbed.

Your husband has him beaten hands down.

Op I had a ‘friend’ like that who constantly dropped hints on how we could have been together, messing with my head. At one point a few years ago, my marriage was in a very bad state and I have straight up asked him if me and him would have any chance of getting back together if I would divorce. He waited a few days to reply, deliberately I believe, to keep me anxious, and his reply were ‘I will tell you after you divorce’. I realized from this, and earlier behavior, that is man simply wanted to enjoy playing his nasty games with my head and that he’s a despicable human being. I think there are plenty of others like him out there and your mr Fantasy might very well be in the same category. My advice would be to take some distance from him, or even complete distance if you can bear the thought, and accept that this fantasy is only causing you harm. I hope you’ll eventually feel the same sense of relief that I felt when I realized that I truly dodged a bullet when I decided to not follow up on my fantasy / feelings about this man.

As someone else said, Google limerence and see if that helps you understand that what you're experiencing is extremely common.

I struggled with it for a few years, the repeated intrusive thoughts could sometimes send me crazy with frustration. It was a miserable time and I very nearly made some stupid, terrible decisions. To the outside world you seem fine, but inside you're a mess of emotion and thoughts.

I tried most things the limerence websites recommend you try in order to snap the feelings off, but the only peace I ever obtained was by going no contact.

You say you would find that too sad and extreme. That's actually the limerence talking. You probably don't believe me, but if this was a friend who was causing you this mental trauma in any other way, you would cut them off. He did this to you. He started it and he had no right to. It's warped your view of reality. I gave it a name. I called my limerence the Limberbeast. I came to know how it worked and how it played with my mind. I even knew what times of day it would torment me the most.

You could spend years and years with these thoughts and feelings, or you could spend a few months feeling sad because you've gone NC. But then, get this, you'd have your mind back again.

What I actually found was that after a few months NC, the feelings had left, I had my mind back, and was eventually able to reconnect but in a normal friendly way. The intrusive thoughts are gone and I'm happy again.

I also decided to plough the effort and emotion I had spent dealing with limerence into the relationship with my DW. Every time I thought about the object of my limerence, I would instead think about some way to do something nice for my DW. The result is we have never been happier together.

Limerence nearly destroyed my life, actually, but if you take some difficult steps you can come out the other side and use the experience to be wiser and happier.

This sort of thing happens to a lot of women in their 40s and 50s ime. Its not unusual, and provided its not a signifier of issues in your marriage ( were you happy before the declaration?) passes harmlessly of its own accord if not acted upon. If you don't want to act on it I'd suggest a lot of distraction. Go out, have fun, find other sources of stimulation and excitement.
(And for what it's worth, ime, one relationship with a decent ordinary man is much the same as another. Highs and lows, but mainly a lot of comfortable drifting. It would have been much the same with the other one).

I can can totally empathise with you about this, it is torture at times. Agree no contact is the only way to go, I’m in the phase and to be honest the limernace if that’s what is it called is just as bad, I’m wondering how long it takes.

When you think about someone all the time for so long it’s so easy to get confused thinking ‘he is the love of my life’.

That’s always what I wonder if you had a ‘friend’ you hooked up with for 20 years and you’re married and he’s consumed your thoughts, is someone just in love? Or like you say is it highlighting the weakness of your own marriage that wouldn’t be under such a microscope of the fantasy didn’t exist.

How often and how are you in contact?