Really struggling with my family, my mum..

[mailpal]

I've always been the black sheep of the family, I'm the youngest but
Since having my son it's like I've woken up to these unhealthy dynamics.. I'm more often than not always left out and yet they seem to expect a lot from me..

It was my uncles 60th last night and my sister told me she was going with my mum over a week ago, my mum didn't mention it at all to me, like she holds things back and doesn't tell me as doesn't want me there..

I've come to realise my mum is really jealous of me over the years.. she's a very insecure lady..

And yet for her birthday she's decided she's coming here, to my house to celebrate..? Expecting I'll make a fuss and take her out or something and yet I don't get much from her.. in terms of support when my son was born and I went through a really tough time..

She's very bitchy about me and I've seen it in action.. I didn't pull her up as tend to avoid conflicts..

I want to pull back and yet have her in my life..? Can I do both?

She's always comparing me and my sister a real big bear of mine..

Any advice appreciated

x

mailpal

This is the current Stately Homes thread:-

www.mumsnet.com/Talk/relationships/4387624-October-2021-well-we-took-you-to-Stately-Homes

Would urge you to read and or post on there too. The other threads have finished as they have reached full capacity.

Your mother was not a good parent to you when you were growing up and she has not changed. She, like so very many narcissistic types, favours your siblings over you (your sister is also likely to be a carbon copy of mother). Its often the case that people come to realise that their parents were not as nice or loving as they were made to believe when they themselves become parents.

You have been assigned the role of familial scapegoat here for all her inherent ills. You do not mention your father at all here; is he in your life now?.

Ask yourself why you want her in your life at all. (Your MIL by the way is no better either, I have read some of your other threads). She's basically trained and otherwise conditioned you to put her first with your needs and wants dead last. Also bear in mind that if she is too toxic/difficult/mad for you to deal with, its the same deal for your child too. Therefore re your comment, "I want to pull back and yet have her in my life..? Can I do both?. No and besides which its not possible to have a relationship with someone like this. Consider also what your boundaries are like with regards to your mother (and for that matter your MIL); boundary setting is probably very hard because you've also been encouraged by your mother not to have any.

I would not have her in your home under any circumstances. She really does have a brass neck to invite herself over to yours for her birthday.

Read your op

Your relationship with your mother is more akin to the relationship with bitter enemies rather than mother / daughter

@AttilaTheMeerkat thank you for this info I really appreciate your input, boundaries are very difficult for me and I'm working on those, also working on my anxiety..

I did have a therapist for a while but stopped.. I need to continue this..

I'll check out the other thread - thanks again for your insights 🙏 💐