what does a healthy relationship look like? what are reasonable expectations?

[MadgeMidgerson]

i was in a v cold marriage for a v long time and it really did a number on my understanding of what a healthy relationship looks like.

does anyone know, and could you describe it?

I would say my relationship is healthy and my parents too stiff that is normal not cold...
It makes him happy to make me happy, so hugs me if he sees I'm sad /fed up, gives affection not just for sex, makes my tea exactly how I like it, encourages me to make time for friends, will put music on I like but he doesn't just cos he knows I like it, stuff like that.
He appreciates me so says please and thanks (basic manners but still, animportant sign of respect) for whatever I do for him from making meal to reminding him about something, just normal life stuff. He listens to my opinion and might change his mind /choice based on my advice.
He understands me and knows what I'm crap at and we laugh about it.
All this is reciprocated so goes both ways.

I'm really sorry you were in a cold relationship and it has thrown your perspective out, how cruel.
Everyone kind deserves a warm relationship and I hope you get to have that in future. I hope your other non-romantic relationships are warm.

It is almost always effortless/easy
I feel am i loved unconditionallyand feel relaxed safe and comfortable.
I feel understood and like I can be my true self.
We laugh and have a lot of fun/playfulness together

A healthy relationship should be a balance. Laughter. Conversations. Support. Enjoying things together. Doing the rough stuff together. Being faithful. Bringing out the better side in eachother. Differences that compliment relationship. Being mates too.

Not sure I've ever had the best relationship fir myself yet though. I had 9 years with my children's dad. But we were not very good at running a home together. He was a great dad but useless at being tidy. We had nothing to laugh or talk about in the end.

oh

thank you all. i wonder if it is possible to still have something like this at my great age (46). i feel like i have missed the boat, really, but happy for all those who found a person who liked them.

Definitely possible! You might like to follow The Secure Relationship on Instagram https://instagram.com/thesecurerelationship?utmmedium=copyy_link, I think she has also written a book.

She says a lot that you should not be looking for someone who is perfect (because no one is), but someone who is willing to invest in their own growth.

You should be a team - if issues come up, it’s ‘me and you vs the problem’, not ‘me vs you because of the problem’. You should be able to be silly together, to be sounding boards for each other, and to be best friends to each other (but never each other’s only best friends, imo). My partner is the person I want to move through life with as a duo, and so much of that comes from platonic stuff too. We can be honest when we don’t think the best decision has been made by the other, but not be judgemental. Equally, we can respect each other’s perspectives even when we don’t agree, and find somewhere in the middle that suits us both. It’s honestly a delightfully boring democracy, in a way, but with all the romantic stuff as well.
If I could sum it up, I would say that while communicating when you’re tired or irritable or small pet peeves might naturally annoy you from time to time, overall a good relationship shouldn’t feel like a constant effort.

I think that's true. I can only know now looking back on my relationship that it is healthy, no one can know that for sure going into one. My DH wasn't perfect but the thing that kept me with him was that he listened to constructive criticism, took it on board and acted on it, he didn't take the view that he was 'done' and wasn't so lazy that he didn't want to hear it cos that would mean making changes. So I'd agree that being open to constructive criticism is a big pointer to someone being the kind of person who could be a good life partner, not just a good occasional companion etc.

People find love when they aren't in the first flush of youth all the time. If you can be in this boat so can many others. There'll be your opposite number in the shape of a guy whose first choice of spouse didn't turn out as they hoped. We can ask think of heart warming stories of widows who went on to find a second love. Yes, yes a loving partner is still possible, it would be lovely to know for sure and the not knowing is tough. But keep hope, make sure you have the door of opportunity open by not hiding away, but enjoy yourself with all that you can and live. People who grasp life and find their joy are the ones who draw people in and one thing can lead to another. Whatever makes you smile or laugh, do lots of that and see where it takes you.

Really sorry that you are feeling this way and your spouse let you down so much. Its not fair. I hope you can have faith in your phoenix era and enjoy your future.

@MadgeMidgerson

oh

thank you all. i wonder if it is possible to still have something like this at my great age (46). i feel like i have missed the boat, really, but happy for all those who found a person who liked them.

And to be clear - you can absolutely find this, at any age, and after any number of other relationships. Please don’t let yourself get bogged down with the assumption that any ship has sailed - the truth of life is, there’s always more ships, and some of them come back two or three times as well! At 46 there’s plenty of time yet, I promise you that.

I was in a abusive and cold marriage for 12 years. My mum was and is extremely cold growing up. I’ve been with my boyfriend 18 months now. The other day it hit me what healthy felt like. Sounds stupid but it made me cry. He was asleep and I just lay there with a completely empty and happy mind, no worries of life were in my head (even though I have many) I felt safe and loved. I felt I had no obligations to be with him, I could go if I wanted, I was free. I choose him because of these feelings he gives me of love, freedom and safety.

I’m 39 by the way and have never had this feeling before in my life. It was the best 30 mins I’ve ever had and all the pain getting here was worth this feeling.

i am very happy for you, that sounds wonderful. i think there is something wrong with me that all i can expect are crumbs.

for a long while i thought better than nothing, but perhaps nothing is better. it makes you feel so second rate and less than.

Are your non - romantic relationships healthy would you say? I'm sorry to hear you feel your self esteem has led you here and continued to take a bashing. Would it be worth trying to talk to a skilled counsellor for this? It would be great to think your next relationship was founded on a stronger self image.

If all you think you can get is crumbs then then that is what you will get. You have to change the narrative inside. I thought for a long while I deserved all the abuse I received because I was faulty. I had counselling and discovered I was worth a lot more and then I found someone amazing. With all my flaws and all my mistakes.