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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Let down by ex regarding contact with our son

27 replies

MyLifeInFull · 09/01/2022 05:53

Ex last had contact with our two year old on Sunday. He said in an angry message to me Tuesday that he'd have him this Sunday (but didn't actually ask how he is). I've not heard anything from him but he has been away on holiday. Whenever we used to go away he'd always be in contact with his older children and their mother so I assume he has this time. It has really got to me that he is not bothered about him either to ask how he is or to arrange today. I don't want to be that mother who withholds contact but I don't want to wait around for his to click his fingers to decide he is ready to be a father today.

I know the mature response is to probably ask him but to be honest I'm fed up of chasing him to see what the plans are for contact. And when I do question it I get threatened that he'll go for 50% custody.

What would be the right thing to do here.

OP posts:
Littlegreenfrogcake · 09/01/2022 05:57

I'd carry on your day as you would if contact wasn't happening. If it suits you for your son to go, let him.

I'd establish with him how much notice you need in future eg 48 hours notice for contact. Or set up an established contact pattern. He won't go for 5050, its a control move if he can't be arsed organising as it Is now.

Piss poor really, but your son isn't missing out as he's with you.

THisbackwithavengeance · 09/01/2022 06:03

I actually don't understand why you're cross.

Is it because your XP didn't ask how your son was or because he hasn't been in touch to discuss the minutiae of today's contact arrangements?

I think you're going to have let this one slide. I'm not really seeing anything to be upset about here tbh.

IggyAce · 09/01/2022 06:04

Next time he threatens call his bluff and state that taking you to court might be for the best as then the arrangements are in writing. Then sit back and wait for the court documents (I bet they don’t arrive)
Also you don’t chase him, send him one message stating that x will be ready for pick up x day at x time each week/every other week and that x should be returned around x time. Give him 30 mins after collection and if he hasn’t turned up, go out.

neednotknow · 09/01/2022 06:05

If he gets 50 per cent custody you get a break and the kid gets to see his dad so don't let that threat get to you. Politely try and set some boundaries, you need to do it now while the child is young.

Original poster
MyLifeInFull · 09/01/2022 06:06

Thank you. That was going to be my plan to continue as if contact wasn't going to take place. The 48 hours notice is a great idea. I've tried to arrange regular days but got told I need to be flexible. You cannot argue or reason with the ex.

OP posts:
Casper001 · 09/01/2022 06:09

Have you tried mediation. You could aim to agree a routine and some principles he could then (hopefully) stick with.

Original poster
MyLifeInFull · 09/01/2022 06:09

@THisbackwithavengeance he isn't bothered about his son but he can always be bothered about his girls. It gets to me he cares so little about him. But I understand not everyone will be bothered about this. I can't explain it further unfortunately.

OP posts:
Original poster
MyLifeInFull · 09/01/2022 06:11

Not tried mediation. It actually probably would be useful but any form of authority he will not go for unfortunately so I'll be wasting yet more money.

OP posts:
girlmom21 · 09/01/2022 06:15

He told you he'd have him today, though. Isn't there a fairly standard time he'll normally pick him up by?

If there is, wait until that time and if he doesn't turn up text and say "I'm assuming you've changed your mind about today. Do you want DS next Sunday or not?"

HPandTheNeverEndingBedtime · 09/01/2022 06:17

Yes to being flexible around a work schedule if necessary but there should be set days and times (that you can then be flexible with). Your DC is little so the courts would rule for short but regular contact and court want to see that you are making him available a reasonable amount of times. Whether the father turns up is different and out of your control.

So send a text along these lines: DC will be available on Sundays and Wednesdays at 9:30 until 3pm. If you can not make this day / time I need 48 hrs notice and will change contact days if I am able / we don't have other plans.

You don't have to reason with him, you don't have to sit around waiting for him, I used to give 60 mins leeway incase of traffic and then just got on with my day. You can't make him bring him back in time without a court order but setting some form boundaries and routine will do you all good.

KiloWhat · 09/01/2022 06:19

Have you tried explaining your son needs a bit of a routine to know what's happening? So you'd like 48 hours notice?

KiloWhat · 09/01/2022 06:20

So send a text along these lines: DC will be available on Sundays and Wednesdays at 9:30 until 3pm. If you can not make this day / time I need 48 hrs notice and will change contact days if I am able / we don't have other plans.

This is a good idea.

amylou8 · 09/01/2022 06:22

If he can't/won't agree to a routine then he needs to let you know when his next contact will be when he drops your son back on each visit. If you get the..not sure yet I'll let you know..then say fine, but we've got loads on at the moment so I need at least 48 hours notice. If you get less than that make sure you're busy and offer an alternative. As for court, I'd just say what a good idea, it would really help me to get a legally binding routine in place.

HPandTheNeverEndingBedtime · 09/01/2022 06:22

*30 minutes leeway.

You can't make him text you about your DC, unless you were OW you have no idea how he communicated with his girls and ExW when they first broke up, perhaps it took time. Either way he is an ex for a reason, if he turns up and sees your DC that's what matters, if he doesn't send a txt mid week to check on him is neither here nor there really, he asks and you say he's fine, he asks and you say he's been ill - he can't do anything anyway as he is out of area.

3mealsaday · 09/01/2022 06:25

I'd go out as if contact wasn't happening, completely ignore any calls or texts and then message him to say you need at least 48 hours notice or you can't guarantee that you'll be around. Fuck waiting around to see if his lordship turns out... go out and enjoy your day with your little one!

Original poster
MyLifeInFull · 09/01/2022 06:27

@girlmom21 he never arranges a time. Last Sunday he forgot he was meant to have him so didn't until the afternoon as he wanted to do something fun for him in the morning.

@HPandTheNeverEndingBedtime I have been flexible and accommodating. I work shifts and generally always take him over when the ex asks to see him. I want them to have regular contact but I'm sick of being at his beck and call with contact.

OP posts:
girlmom21 · 09/01/2022 06:29

Oh screw that then. Go about your day. I assumed he'd have him for at least one day in the week so 9:30-17:00 or something but if he sees him one day a week and forgets he can do one!

HPandTheNeverEndingBedtime · 09/01/2022 06:31

@mylifeinfull

You need to tell HIM what is happening, so that it suits you. And then be unavailable at other times if it is leaving you hanging around waiting for him. If he chooses not to see DC as he is doing something fun for himself, then you go out and he has to wait until next time.

KiloWhat · 09/01/2022 06:31

Last Sunday he forgot he was meant to have him grr..
It's not like you can forget you're meant to have him is it! What a nasty man. It's not hard to put a reminder in his phone is it.

TopCatsTopHat · 09/01/2022 06:33

I can really sympathise you being upset he is not showing an interest in your son. Your son has one parent who adores him not two and he deserves better.
This happens to lots of children for all sorts of reasons so he isn't the only one but that doesn't mean it isn't sad. I'm sure you won't allow it to affect his self esteem as you will show him what real love is.

Original poster
MyLifeInFull · 09/01/2022 06:41

@HPandTheNeverEndingBedtime yes I understand what you say about having regular phone contact and it may have taken time. I didn't consider this. I know his other children are older but he always made time for them every day to speak. We live 5 minutes away. I know he is on holiday but I hear dads at work ask their wives during the day how their children are. I guess I want that for our child. A father who cares about him more than just a couple of hours a week.

OP posts:
Original poster
MyLifeInFull · 09/01/2022 06:42

@TopCatsTopHat thank you. It is heartbreaking for his. He deserves better. Hopefully I'll be enough or his father will increase his involvement at some point.

OP posts:
Youngstreet · 09/01/2022 06:48

Ask yourself why you feel the need to push regular contact when his own df isn’t bothered.
You’re creating a scenario where your ex can control you.
Be the best mum you can.
Leave your ex to be the dad he wants to be because you can’t force relationships.
Yes, it’s sad that your ex isn’t a better father but it’s not in your power to change that. Dc are not stupid and as he grows your ds will know what his df is like.

TopCatsTopHat · 09/01/2022 06:56

I think you will grieve the relationship you wanted for your ds and he deserves. That pang will probably never go away. I have a friend whose wife died last year and their 2 children now only have one parent, though they do know she lived them when she lived.
You can protect him by loving him really well, showing he can trust and rely and you and you'll stick by him and your love will never fade.
More time with someone who should value you but deep down doesn't isn't necessarily a good thing. So I think you should watch and wait and see if he is going to be a positive presence in your ds life.
Meanwhile, you could get some books on how to have age appropriate conversations around this topic with your ds for the inevitable questions in the future. You will feel stronger and better prepared if you have the language to frame what has happened in a way that upholds your sons sense of self worth. In future you can give him the language to understand he is a a valuable person even if his dad is too selfish to see it.

HPandTheNeverEndingBedtime · 09/01/2022 07:10

DDs dad very rarely texted me during the week to see how she was unless he knew she'd been ill, but when he saw her they had a great time and they have a lovely bond. I leave the communication up to them now, Dd has the basic days she sees him and if they want to change that then she checks with me but otherwise I have very little to do with them and arranging contact physically or virtually. During the pandemic I bought her a laptop and set up Skype thinking theyd communicate more on there and they still dont, not often, they'll send each other meme and things but no indepth 'how was your day' conversations and the same with her phone. But he does care, he just doesn't show it the way I would.