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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Original poster

To be with someone who finds words of love hard

25 replies

Earlgrey19 · 09/01/2022 02:16

I’m in a relationship with someone who as a child was taken into care because his mentally ill severely abused him. He is very loving through actions, attentiveness, thoughtfulness and time spent together and he sometimes has talked loving me deeply, but if I say the three words “I love you” , instead of saying it back he will say something like “I wouldn’t bother if I were you, I’m not worth it”. Or today: in a jokey conversation, he asked me if he, Daniel Craig & James Norton (my faves!) were to knock on my door who would I choose to have sex with. I said, “you of course!”.He joked “liar!” I said, “no, it’s true. I desire you a lot you know, if only you knew”. He replied, “Go away”, again in humorous way. BUT I feel a bit hurt and sad. I said I desire him he said go away. Obviously I see the links with his childhood, his mother, low sense of self-worth, but still…

It’s not that he expresses fear of attachment in other ways — he is very present and giving.

How would you feel/deal with this issue?

OP posts:

Original poster

Earlgrey19 · 09/01/2022 02:17

mentally ill mother

OP posts:

Original poster

Earlgrey19 · 09/01/2022 02:28

I said to him about this, “is it fear about closeness”, he said “yes, my mother tried to throw me under a train, what do you expect?”. I didn’t reply but I think that what I feel is, Yes, I totally get that, but I’m in a relationship with you: what do you expect?.

OP posts:

Ionlydomassiveones · 09/01/2022 02:40

This reply has been withdrawn

This has been withdrawn at the poster's request.

FiveShelties · 09/01/2022 03:36

It is only an issue if you make it one. I struggle with words of love and rarely use them, but I would do anything for my husband. I think it is what you do that matters and would hare someone to be constantly pushing me to declare my affection all the time.

FiveShelties · 09/01/2022 03:37

Hate not hare!

Thingsdogetbetter · 09/01/2022 07:35

I'd be more concerned about his constant self-deprecating and the fact he's telling you how you feel (who you'd pick). It's glaringly obvious there are huge issues from his childhood that he 'deals' with through attempts at 'humour' - which are actually him begging for reassurance. He is making self-deprecating jokes in response to your verbal affection and that pushes you to reassure him. That could end up exhausting for you.

Will he ever believe you? Or will you spend the entire relationship trying to prove you love him?

Worst case scenario is every little disagreement, every time you're not paying him 100% attention, everytime you want time to yourself or you feel a bit down, he will see as vindication of his lack of worth. Proof that you really don't love him. And you'll have to go into ott reassurance mode again.

vdbfamily · 09/01/2022 08:11

I have been married 20 years and could count on one hand the amount of times my husband has said the words " I love you" however he shows me he does daily which is far more important.

Pugroll · 09/01/2022 08:15

It sounds like he would benefit from some form of therapy for his own good. Aside from that, if his actions show he loves and cares for you imo that's more important than words, but we are all different, and if its something important to you it doesn't seem at the moment he can provide that, and perhaps time to think if you're content in the relationship. Of course he might one day feel ready, but he might not.

jackiebenimble · 09/01/2022 08:17

I think him expressing his love for you non verbally is fine, and over time as he settles he may become more secure.

What i dont think is ok is him rejecting yours. I think he can be told that this is hurtful. And that he need only reply with a 'thankyou'
Or a hug or squeeze of the hand. That that is enough:

If he can't do that then he needs to have more therapy to deal with his trauma to stop him projecting that on to you and spoiling the relationship. If you want a family together one day he has more work to do on himself by the sound of it.

Mybalconyiscracking · 09/01/2022 08:20

@vdbfamily

I have been married 20 years and could count on one hand the amount of times my husband has said the words " I love you" however he shows me he does daily which is far more important.

This is EXACTLY what I was going to write. Deeds not words!

JangolinaPitt · 09/01/2022 08:28

My bf is like this for similar reasons and is very insecure but he now confides in me . He also does so much to show how much he cares about me but not verbally. He is now able to say in texts that he would ‘love to see me on Thursday ’ ‘love your perfume’ and using that word in that sense so I think I’m time he will feel more secure but even if he never can say it, the kindness and deeds speak for themselves.

Disydoll12 · 09/01/2022 08:38

I am not into declarations of love, I am very like my father, I show people by my actions how much I care for them. Probably why I never doubted how much my dad loved me even though it was never verbalised. Its far more important for a person to show their love by supporting you, being kind, thoughtful and sincere in their actions.

I understand some people need the verbal affirmation but in a past relationship I had where the man told me how much he loved me all the time, his actions told a different story.

TopCatsTopHat · 09/01/2022 08:42

People who struggle to receive love are the ones who need it the most. I too would find this hard (my dh is not a verbal lover, can say I love you but would never chose to, but shows his love in actions all the time. I would like the verbal love but accept this is him and I love him dearly) but if you truly love 'him' then you must accept this is the package.
I'm sure he'd love to separate out his damage, but he can't, so there you are. Mental scars are not visible but doesn't mean they're not real.
I was actually amazed reading your post that he had come through all that with a remarkable ability to express love in a real way.
If he was physically disabled and you weren't you wouldn't expect him to do stuff he couldn't, and if it was something you could easily do, you'd just step in and bridge that gap for him.
Those of us who are lucky enough to be able to live without fear and aren't full of doubt about our own loveable-ness can carry a bit more of the load, he is clearly doing his best and is completely present in your relationship, though is hindered by these old wounds. He's already giving more than lesser men who don't necessarily have as great a reason. He's obviously a very caring guy at heart. It must have been very hurtful to experience what he did.
So long as he made an effort, showed his love how he could and was faithful I would take the view I describe.
How lucky you found each other.

Ameanstreakamilewide · 09/01/2022 08:48

@Earlgrey19

I can't say it either.

It just makes me feel weird.

TopCatsTopHat · 09/01/2022 08:51

@jackiebenimble

I think him expressing his love for you non verbally is fine, and over time as he settles he may become more secure.

What i dont think is ok is him rejecting yours. I think he can be told that this is hurtful. And that he need only reply with a 'thankyou'
Or a hug or squeeze of the hand. That that is enough:

Good point, the only thing with that is that things are complicated. If he isn't permitted to express these insecurities that is a form of silencing his inner voice. If he hugs her outwardly but his mind is screaming this can't be real, no one can love me like this, he's only presenting the acceptable side of all his feelings which are not his fault, not abusive and understandable. How about he got to a point where he could acknowledge it was amazing to hear someone express such depth of feeling but the wonder and joy comes with an equal dose of fear its an illusion or will be stolen away. So could he get to a point where he says something like 'I'm so lucky to have that, it makes me feel valued but also scared, I find it hard to trust this love even though I want to'. Not to say this every time, but for that to be in the background as mutually understood to carry you both through those moments. Then you can just look at each other and acknowledge it with a smile. After all when you are in a relationship, part of that is that one person's problems are both your problems, and that goes both ways of course.

JangolinaPitt · 09/01/2022 08:54

@TopCatsTopHat

People who struggle to receive love are the ones who need it the most. I too would find this hard (my dh is not a verbal lover, can say I love you but would never chose to, but shows his love in actions all the time. I would like the verbal love but accept this is him and I love him dearly) but if you truly love 'him' then you must accept this is the package. I'm sure he'd love to separate out his damage, but he can't, so there you are. Mental scars are not visible but doesn't mean they're not real. I was actually amazed reading your post that he had come through all that with a remarkable ability to express love in a real way. If he was physically disabled and you weren't you wouldn't expect him to do stuff he couldn't, and if it was something you could easily do, you'd just step in and bridge that gap for him. Those of us who are lucky enough to be able to live without fear and aren't full of doubt about our own loveable-ness can carry a bit more of the load, he is clearly doing his best and is completely present in your relationship, though is hindered by these old wounds. He's already giving more than lesser men who don't necessarily have as great a reason. He's obviously a very caring guy at heart. It must have been very hurtful to experience what he did. So long as he made an effort, showed his love how he could and was faithful I would take the view I describe. How lucky you found each other.

This is such a lovely post! Am going to save it for my own situation and read it from time to time.

Original poster

Earlgrey19 · 09/01/2022 08:55

Thanks for all the wisdom here — really helpful replies.

OP posts:

Whattochoosenow · 09/01/2022 15:31

I haven’t read the whole thread but would recommend doing the 5 Love languages quiz online. Words of Affirmation are a big thing for some people and not so much for others regardless of the background.
I’ve been married 25 years to someone who really finds it hard to say “I love you” but I know he loves me- his love language is Acts of Service, so doing extra jobs around the house is a big demo of his love. Mine is Quality Time so I love it when we just sit down and chat together. 🙂

RantyAunty · 09/01/2022 15:34

How long have you been dating?

MMmomDD · 09/01/2022 15:58

Fantasy questions like that aren’t meant to be serious, or to be used to prop/heal someone.
And we all know the right answer is Daniel Craig… or James Norton if you are or younger generation 😂….

But on a serious note - you need to stop expecting that years of emotional conditioning he had will disappear. He isn’t going to turn into a gashing romantic.

Personally I’ll take a man who shows his love by actions any time over someone who has uses I❤️Y repeatedly. But doesn’t act it.
Words are easy. Actions aren’t.

For some reason you come out more insecure in his feelings than he is in yours.
You have a good guy there. Just enjoy?

ravenmum · 09/01/2022 16:35

What did he mean by "Go away"? Was he thinking of "Get away!" as in "I don't believe you!" That kind of reaction seems appropriate in the context of an imaginary scene with three heartthrobs propositioning you. If you'd been in the middle of a romantic moment then it would be less appropriate, but not when you're mucking around.

He's talked about loving you deeply, which is lovely. He was presumably in the right mindset to say it at that time, or prepared to say it beforehand - thought of exactly the words he wanted to use and got up the courage to say it. He finds it hard, so requires the right moment or preparation. But you're kind of expecting him to say it on command, knowing that he finds it awkward being put on the spot. I agree with the above poster that it would be nice to encourage him just to say "thank you". And when he does say he loves you, in his own time, then thank him back, and tell him how much you appreciate him getting the words out.

I've got better as I've got older - I am much braver now - but when I was first with my exh I couldn't say "I love you" and he complained about it. That made it feel harder to say, as I was even more painfully aware that I was supposed to say it whenever he said it to me. I felt fake saying it back, and nasty not saying it, so the situation was always unpleasant.

only11monthstillxmas · 09/01/2022 18:18

Don't crowd him

Just love him

MyDarlingWhatIfYouFly · 09/01/2022 23:18

This is a really interesting theory about the way different people show love. My husband and I never say "I love you", but he does small things for me every day and I make sure we have quality time together and I love surprising him with gifts that I know he'll really like.

www.mindbodygreen.com/articles/the-5-love-languages-explained

Original poster

Earlgrey19 · 19/01/2022 12:18

Good article, thanks.

OP posts:

Tal45 · 19/01/2022 12:34

Very low self esteem can cause all sorts of problems in a relationship - far more than just not being comfortable saying I love you. He really needs to get help after all he has been through - would be be willing? I can't begin to imagine what it has done to his mental health.

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