How do I let go of relationship resentment ?

Alcemeg · 08/01/2022 23:12

Sorry you feel that way, OP. I think resentment arises when things are deeply unfair in the relationship, but the other person just can't see or accept this (usually because things are unbalanced in their favour). Which is another way of saying you're destined to separate, unless you don't mind your future being punctuated by episodes when you feel let down/lonely/despairing.

Alcemeg · 08/01/2022 23:14

Sorry, posted too soon... to answer the question in your thread title, I don't think we CAN let go of resentment. It disappears when our partner is fair and things get sorted out. Otherwise, resentment builds over time, so that every time they let you down again you find yourself wondering why you didn't leave last time... etc...

user1481840227 · 09/01/2022 02:51

I don't think it's possible to let go of it if the thing you resent them for is continuing and also if they haven't acknowledged they should have done better in the past etc, validated your experience...and changed going forward.

ImmediatelyNo · 09/01/2022 02:58

So I saw this thing the other day that said something like

“An emotion lasts about 90seconds, it’s intense but pretty fleeting. But if you’re around the same stimulus all the time, you felt hat emotion again and again, so it becomes a mood. A mood you experience frequently affects your attitude to life and eventually your attitude to life shapes your personality”.

So basically I think it’s really difficult to let go of resentment unless there is real change in the situation. That can be a change in behaviour or a change in how an experience affect you. But it needs to be real change in an emotional level, not either lip service or repressing your feelings.

Skinnymimi · 09/01/2022 02:58

Hello! Yes, you can let go of resentment. The first question you need to ask yourself is : do I want to save this relationship? Do I want to stay with this person. If the answer is no , then you can start working on your own plans. If the answer is yes, a good way to start is to try to understand why the person we love acted the way they did. Is it just pure evil or did they have a reason ( maybe unreasonable to us) to act this way? What are their feelings? It is only by understanding them and forgiving them that we can move forward. Once we have forgiven (that could take months tho!) we can focus on finding new solutions to not keep on repeating the same mistake. But once we have let go of our own anger, communication should be easier as we won’t “attack” the other person. It worked for me.

Derelicthome · 09/01/2022 06:03

I think it can.
It might help to keep your focus on the light at the end of the tunnel if you know it won’t be forever.
Ie your kids might not need as much hands on help as they grow older and will be able to pitch in and take over some of the tasks.

Derelicthome · 09/01/2022 06:15

Also in terms of the past, like the night you gave birth.
I think just accepting that people make mistakes/bad choices because they are human helps. It hurts but I’m sure you have made mistakes/ bad choices in the past too and wouldn’t want them held against you forever.

Original poster

ijustdontknowyet · 09/01/2022 08:23

Yes we have discussed things like the everyday stuff and he promises to be better, but doesn't. He says I'm better with the kids and things like they prefer me. I just feel I didn't sign up to parent solo all the time when there is two of us.

The night I had my first baby, my DH just went home instantly. He says he was tired and needed to sleep. I had been induced so only in the hospital from 9am and birth was 8.23pm the same day. Yes people usually sleep at night, I had been in lots of pain so maybe he was traumatised, but I felt so let down when on the ward (pre covid) everyone had their partners there and quiet babies and I had a massive birth injury and my baby screamed when I put him down so I couldn't go to the toilet all night. When I've spoken to him, he doesn't fee he's did the wrong thing so I find it hard to forgive him.

I went on to have another baby and he did go home again, but I wanted him to see our oldest as was at home with Grandma. I don't have an issue with that part. But he didn't come back for 17 hours in that time i was unable to get out of bed. I was then been moved to a ward room having to carry all my stuff myself and push the baby in the wheelie cot when I had only just managed to start walking ( epidural issue affected my legs )

OP posts:

ElleGettingBetter · 09/01/2022 08:28

@ijustdontknowyet

Yes we have discussed things like the everyday stuff and he promises to be better, but doesn't. He says I'm better with the kids and things like they prefer me. I just feel I didn't sign up to parent solo all the time when there is two of us.

The night I had my first baby, my DH just went home instantly. He says he was tired and needed to sleep. I had been induced so only in the hospital from 9am and birth was 8.23pm the same day. Yes people usually sleep at night, I had been in lots of pain so maybe he was traumatised, but I felt so let down when on the ward (pre covid) everyone had their partners there and quiet babies and I had a massive birth injury and my baby screamed when I put him down so I couldn't go to the toilet all night. When I've spoken to him, he doesn't fee he's did the wrong thing so I find it hard to forgive him.

I went on to have another baby and he did go home again, but I wanted him to see our oldest as was at home with Grandma. I don't have an issue with that part. But he didn't come back for 17 hours in that time i was unable to get out of bed. I was then been moved to a ward room having to carry all my stuff myself and push the baby in the wheelie cot when I had only just managed to start walking ( epidural issue affected my legs )

That’s not good enough, and it’s a piss poor excuse to just say you’re better with the kids. He needs to do better so they want to be around him equally.

I couldn’t forgive that level of selfishness regarding your births. Does he have any good points?

CoffeeBeansGalore · 09/01/2022 08:34

If you are better with the kids then he needs more practise to be as good as you.

Original poster

ijustdontknowyet · 09/01/2022 08:35

In a way it's harder to forgive the everyday stuff than the unusual moments. I am a coper and not a particularly needy person but it doesn't mean I don't want company.

Good points yes, some.. honest, hard working (at his job), loyal, fateful, generally uncritical of my choices and decisions. I can't say supporting as I don't feel supported.

OP posts:

CoffeeBeansGalore · 09/01/2022 08:38

Unfortunately he sounds selfish and lazy. This is why you are resenting his behaviour. It impacts you hugely as you are picking up his slack. Only you can decide whether to keep doing this, see if he will change, or separate.

2DogsOnMySofa · 09/01/2022 08:38

I couldn't let go of the resentment as he never too responsibility for his actions and though they were acceptable. As a result, every misdemeanour he did just added to the pile and ate away at the love I had. It was a huge reason (plus he was an abusive arse) as to why I left him.

Op if you've spoken to him about these things and he's not changed, this is who he is

daisychain01 · 09/01/2022 08:43

@ijustdontknowyet

I am very able to cope on my own, but I resent being made to at key times in my relationship like on the night I gave birth etc. Also over the day to day grind, which is always on me. I hold a lot of resentment and it also makes me feel unsympathetic towards DH. Can this be fixed or are we destined to separate ?

Resentment can't be let go of while the problem persists. Every time your DH is off doing his hobby, working late habitually if it's a way of him opting out of family like, the resentment you feel will continue to fester.

Your OP sounds like you feel it's 100% on you to resolve your feelings of resentment when in fact it's your DHs behaviour that's the root cause. Your resentment is but a symptom of what seems to be his selfishness.

Your resentment can be resolved with a fair division of effort and that will only happen if you talk with him and get him to realise his behaviour is creating a deep wound in your relationship. If he refuses to deal with it or give his side of the story and seek a compromise then it shows he just couldn't care less, so you have your answer. If he changes his behaviour, then it's a positive sign he values the relationship.

daisychain01 · 09/01/2022 08:48

Reading your update, he sounds utterly selfish and his behaviour around the birth of his two children showed you who he is.

Him, traumatised? Come on OP don't make excuses for this complete waste of space.

Original poster

ijustdontknowyet · 09/01/2022 08:56

@Derelicthome

Also in terms of the past, like the night you gave birth. I think just accepting that people make mistakes/bad choices because they are human helps. It hurts but I’m sure you have made mistakes/ bad choices in the past too and wouldn’t want them held against you forever.

This is a good way to look at it thank you

OP posts:

daisychain01 · 09/01/2022 09:37

@Derelicthome

Also in terms of the past, like the night you gave birth. I think just accepting that people make mistakes/bad choices because they are human helps. It hurts but I’m sure you have made mistakes/ bad choices in the past too and wouldn’t want them held against you forever.

Gosh your bar is set low sont it. This is the birth of this man's child, that's just not the time to "make a mistake" or make a bad choice. He's an adult and as such he should not have made himself physically and emotionally absent. You can't regain that opportunity ever again the deed is done.

And OP, no, no, no that is not a good way to look at it. How many other bad decisions is this man going to be let off before you see the light.

Stillfunny · 09/01/2022 13:39

Oh gosh, I was married to the same guy. Told me he was tired after my son was born at 2:30am . I let it go as it seemed reasonable. But also needed a lie in 2 days later when I begged him to take me home.
I was a SAHM as he too , was a good worker, etc.like yours .
But fast forward married 32 years , soon to be divorced due to his cheating . ALL the old resentments returned as I could just about tolerate it as he had been OK in some ways.
But that inate selfishness that meant he always did what suited him , also led him to believe it was " right " to decide to titillate himself with disgusting behaviour.

I hope you can make him realise how deeply you resent his entitled behaviour and he understands hiw damaging to your marriage it can be.

Derelicthome · 09/01/2022 14:18

For the births I think the nurses let you down.
Why weren’t they checking on you offering to hold the baby so you could go to the toilet? Why weren’t they helping settle your baby?

They would have known you had a birth injury and known your DH had gone home.
Why did they let you carry everything by yourself?
I think what you went through sounds incredibly difficult, and not how anyone pictures the first hours with their baby to be.
I’m sure it’s not how your DH pictured the night would go either.

In terms of the everyday, could his lack of involvement be explained (not excused) by the kind of parenting that was modelled to him as a child? Was his dad hands on and are they close now?

Derelicthome · 09/01/2022 14:35

Actually not sure thinking about upbringing could help with the resentment I would honestly have if my DH did zero parenting. That was a bit of a long shot…

Derelicthome · 09/01/2022 15:07

As an aside,

If your DH doesn’t spend time with his kids then of course he won’t be the favourite. But as the adult he needs to be the one to make it happen. There is nothing quite like the pain of knowing your parent doesn’t want to spend time with you. You won’t be the only one with resentments. Your kids will grow up resenting their dad and they won’t have a close bond if he doesn’t put the ground work in now.
My DH is best friends with his dad. It’s very sweet. But it comes from years of FIL being a hands on dad and showing up for his son. And my DH in turn is a hands on dad and it’s because he wants his kids to consider him as a best friend one day.
What kind of relationship does your DH want for his kids in the future and how does he think he’s going to achieve that without doing the groundwork now?

RantyAunty · 09/01/2022 15:20

I would ask yourself how many years are you willing to invest in someone who has repeatedly let you down and doesn't have your back.

billy1966 · 09/01/2022 19:14

He sounds awful.

Avoiding parenting his children.

Lazy selfish.

Don't have any more children with him.

Resentment for his awful selfishness will not go away.