Difficult relationship with adult son

[SadKitt]

I think he has ‘issues’ that seem to make him very conflict-driven. He’s 21, had a good, loving upbringing, but problematic behaviour from the age of 13 onwards. Despite this, I’ve tried in different ways to keep our relationship going. But it hasn’t worked and we are now barely in contact.

The rest of my life is pretty ‘challenging’ too and the sadness and disappointment about my relationship with my son is really affecting me recently. Sorry if I sound miserable, but I just am! I’ve even started in some low dose SSRIs though don’t know if that will help.

Anyone else experienced something like this? Any words of wisdom? I suppose I just have to carry on, feel the sadness but also toughen up? I can’t change things.

Is he your only child?

What do you mean by conflict driven?

What else is happening in your life (work, friends, hobbies)?

What is the main dispute or themes of disagreement between you two?

toughen up the wrong phrase, but I can’t think of right word at the moment. I feel I’m just going through the days in a haze, basic activities require major focus to complete.

Where is his Father in all this and at what age did he leave home?

Only child. No themes. He can fly off the handle at anything. Jeckyll & Hyde. Left home at 18.

With respect, you're either not sharing or haven't yourself analysed...what is it in your actions and behaviours that he is reacting to and what has prompted him to choose not to want to be in contact with you?

Did he complete school? Is he studying or working? Does he have a partner? Is he in touch with other family members?

Oh I’ve analysed it a lot. Sorry probably don’t want to share too much more detail. Just wondered how others coped in a similar situation. Words of wisdom etc.

Describe the sort of life you all had. For instance my parents were very strict and study was everything and no answering back, not much money and we were expected to help. They were very direct, worked very long hours.

At that age was there an upheaval something major like death, a house move a divorce a relocation?

No no. Everything genuinely fine.

You have a choice and honestly people very often don’t see things that a casual observer does.

You would be better off trying to understand, in doing so there may be a chance of repair. If no chance of repair then you have years of just living with it.

My DM has a similar relationship with my brother.

She battled for years to improve their relationship. Often fighting a losing battle. Ultimately once she accepted he is who he is, he has ASD traits which make him terrible at communicating and constantly pinning her mood and general feelings about life on how her relationship with him is, was not getting her anywhere, things got much better.

Do all you can to really think about what would make you happier and what life you want. It doesn't have to be filled with endless social events, groups and soul warming activities if that isn't you. Be realistic. If it's that you have one hobby you want to peruse to keep busy, a friend or two who are reliable and a dog to walk / house to keep nice / job to keep you busy - whatever fits - then that's great. You need to take charge and make your life- your son sounds like he will come and go and live to his own agenda.

My DB got better once he realised my mother wasn't waiting about and at his beck and call.

Thank you SPB, I appreciate your reply and I will re-read it later.

It seems unlikely that he had a ‘good’ upbringing with no issues and then developed anger issues all of a sudden.

However all you can do is control yourself now. Are you contributing anything to the bad situation? Can you stop that?
Can you draw clear boundaries
Have you tried a clear, non blaming conversation
Are there SEN issues? Do you understand them?
Have you had therapy to look at yourself and the situation?
Does he get on with other people?
These are all questions you need to ask yourself

It's a shame you're not providing any details as difficult to understand what's exactly happening. I've had a similar experience, unfortunately, as my son also started a very challenging behaviour at the age of 13. Our relationship hit rock bottom and I'm genuinely not sure how we managed to survive it (he's 20 now). In his case it was 100% choice of friends. It lasted a few good years during which I was reaching out for help (school as well as counseling). The older he was, the better the relationship was becoming. During this time his friends circle changed completely, he was spending his time with people who worked, had goals etc. At 18 he started a relationship with a lovely girl and moved out. This was actually the point when our relationship turned it's corner. Being out of the family home, he started appreciating many things, including home made meals eaten together, clean house etc. This is the moment when he started to be much more respectful towards me and other family members. Our relationship changed dramatically for better but it doesn't mean it's all rosy now. He still reacts angrily when not happy about something or nagged etc but it's quite rare.

My advice to you would be to have an honest conversation with your son. Ask if he cares about having a good relationship with you. If so, listen to his suggestions how to make it happen. And remember about compromise. It's something I definitely learnt along the way. More often than not, extremely difficult but sometimes the only way.

Good luck!

@SadKitt

Only child. No themes. He can fly off the handle at anything. Jeckyll & Hyde. Left home at 18.

What was his father like? Anyone in your family that's like this?

The evasiveness troubles me.

OP if you have given up on the relationship and want consolation, I am sure others will give it.

If you are open to building a better relationship with your son, it is perfectly possible though will not be easy. No one can help you do this without understanding the extent it is a problem with you, a problem with him or a relationship issue.

Your reticence on his life beyond his relationship with you and the repeated assertion that he responds to 'nothing and it cannot possibly be the result of your (frankly frustrating) style of communication is your perogative but it does leave me with an impression.

It is never to late, while there is breath in the body, to rebuild a relationship, but the only person we can change is ourselves.

Maybe he's just an arsehole?

I think the reality is that he may not have had a good upbringing in his view, and that is the deciding view.

Most parents do their best for their DC and most of us misjudge some fairly pivotal moments at one time or another.

A lot of adolescents can appear to be relatively self sufficient, sensible and stable. However, they are extremely vulnerable to outside influences and threats if they are not closely monitored and supported. Early 20s are the time when you start to reflect a bit more. Only your son can tell you.

Sounds a bit like my ds although he's still at home. He has adhd with some ODD ( oppositional defiance disorder) which is often a co-morbidity of adhd. I also wonder about ASD although the psychiatrist did not mention this. His neurodiversity leads to lots of unnecessary conflict in our house. He wasn't diagnosed until 15 although I'd long suspected that something wasn't quite "right". I'm not sure what you can do about at this stage. But you have my sympathy.

We need more detail. Where does he live now, did you have a final row, why isn't it fixable??

Have you had counselling to try to understand the relationship better and see it from the point of view of your ds?

If it started at 13, could it be hormonally related?

On another note, sometimes things happen to children that the parents never know about but it still has effects, sometimes profound ones. He may not communicate that to you. People here generally blame the parents (and tbh I sure blame most of my own parents :P) but children's behaviour isn't aways rooted in them actually.

Other than that, taking your at your word: I note you're asking for advice on how to cope, not trying to lay our your entire history with him.

Assuming that nothing between you triggered this behaviour, I think all you can do is 'detach with love' a bit (not the whole way) and act in a calm manner without pushing too hard, which will make things worse if he's explosive. You didn't mention how often you're in contact only that it was almost NC. In that case, I'd send cards and the odd email and hope you get something back. But it does take two to have a relationship and some of it is on him to respond.

More than anything else when things are this fragile, I think you have to say that you love him but not to ask anything of him and not to have any expectations of him. It's heartbreaking when he's your son, but it's all that can be done. May the bread you cast on the waters float back to you in time...