Was reading the “listen up” thread that’s been on The relationship board many many years. It’s referred to as a “stickie” so I assume that means it’s never taken down after the so many days others are removed.
I know my behaviour is inappropriate towards my DH. It’s become less loving and more combative .I’ve posted previously how I feel let down , not supported, that he drinks to much every single day. I do love him, well the version of him that finally wakes up sober in the middle of the morning . By 6pm most nights he’s well on the way to drunk . Often stays in another room on his iPad drinking and playing music whilst I sit alone.
We both work hard but I earn a significantly higher amount than he. I’ve come to the end of my patients with him over just about everything because of his drinking. We clash on just about everything because I don’t feel he listens to me . He wants the final word and decision on everything. All the big decisions have gone his way from what car I drive to what house we should buy. I’m paying most of the money for these things and mostly I’ve been happy to go along with his choices but not anymore. I’m not sure why I’ve had this change in attitude but I do believe it’s to do with the fact that I should get a much bigger say in the life decisions and he needs to start compromising too.
Because he drinks , because he is absolutely set on what he wants he doesn’t listen to me. So now I have to shout to be heard. He talks over me so I raise my voice to talk over him. He’s behaviours in drink have ground me down so now I’m shouting at him daily for this too. Music to loud. TV to loud. Dogs not walked. No dinner when he’s been home all day and I’m at work, his stuff left all over the house instead of being put away, waking me in the middle of the night coming to bed and crashing around then going on his phone which lights up the whole room. I can’t talk to him about it in normal tones. I shout. If I see something isn’t done I shout. I go straight to bloody shouting the minute I open my mouth. I don’t swear apart from the odd “bloody” . I don’t put him down. But I shout all the time. So now I feel abusive.
I had a recent operation , not a small thing but was allowed home the next day with support. I was left unexpectedly on my own by DH ( I get he was in a difficult situation but he decided to leave me alone when he could have done things differently ) I was unable to move easily without help from 9 am to 6pm . When he finally got in I was beside my self. Screaming, crying, raging. I crossed a line and got nasty. Mentally I can’t come back from it. I even went as far as throwing things at a wall. It’s like he finally turned me in a nasty raging abusive lunatic. Only I can’t say that as no one is responsible for my actions other than myself.
I think it’s time I left. I am fortunate to have the money to buy a small house outright and leave him with the home we already have. I would prefer for our marriage to work but can’t see that happening now. I think it’s for his own good I left. I’m not from the same part of the country as he, but I was thinking of just moving a few miles away and seeing how things go. How he responds would be up to him. If after a few years it was clear we are better off apart then I could move again, back to my own home county which is 400 miles away so a decision not easily reversed.
For information. He almost never shouts. He one of the most placid people I know . Just extremely forthright in how he wants things to go his way and drinks so much alcohol we don’t have a life together anymore.
I’ve asked that we go to counselling . He says no. I’ve asked him to reduce his drinking. He says he doesn’t have a problem. He drinks 12 to 15 cans of beer a day / night often not stopping until he passes out on the sofa. He’s in denial because he manages to hold down his job.
So I’ve become an abusive shouty partner who literally yells at DH for everything. I have been blaming my actions on him but I can’t do that anymore and need to take responsibility for all the shouting and now the throwing. It’s not his fault I’m shouting at him, it’s mine as I can’t control it anymore. Financially , he would barely make ends meet without my income and I don’t want to see him struggle so I stay but continue to shout and have all these negative thoughts . If this was the other way around and I was the man in the scenario and DH the woman , he would be getting advice to leave me but probably feels he can’t as he’s financially dependant on me.