D day…

[Ddaydday]

I’ll try and shorten this as much as I can..

Met 5 years ago. 90% has been great. The other 10% ruined by him. It became apparent he didn’t like criticism or things to go his way and would sulk. I started getting the silent treatment maybe a couple of yrs in.
Stupidly I always sorted things out. He would happily allow me to and things would carry on. Despite this I can still only see the good parts we had.

Jump to Nov and he made a selfish remark. He did apologise but then went quiet..almost like he waits for me to say ‘I do love you, it’s ok etc’ this time I didn’t. I decided to tell him I’d had enough and he needed to get his stuff. I had no response.
Weeks passed and I let him sulk. He therefore ruined Xmas and new year by just acting like I no longer existed.
Last week I found something important of his and messaged him telling him he hadn’t got back to me..he replied a casual ‘hope you had a nice Christmas’ I was and am so baffled how these men have zero emotion..yesterday he asked to come and get his stuff today.
Thrown in was that one of his parents is v poorly..(without outing myself this will be true) and it’s completely knocked me. I know this is the typical narcissistic behaviour but I loved his family and feel such a loss with it all and feel sad he’s now going through this on his own.

And I know it’s his fault he’s on his own..I’m better off without a man baby..the sulking is a form of abuse etc..I know. But to try and forget yrs of the good memories is v hard. I’m a v strong woman who doesn’t take any crap. I’ve dealt with each issue throughout our time together but it doesn’t make this any easier.

I’m dreading his car pulling up 🥲

You can do this OP. It's always hard when a relationship ends, for whatever reason. But you know you deserve better than to be someone's emotional punching bag. You sound lovely and it's ok to feel bad that he's going through horrible things on his own, but he wouldn't be on his own if he had treated you how you deserve to be treated.

Sending you a virtual handhold - good luck

It feels awful. Like I mean nothing. This sulky behaviour is one I never want to encounter ever again.

You told him you'd had enough (understandably) and to get his stuff and now he's coming for his stuff...

Possible also if his parent is v poorly his mind has been on that over Christmas first and foremost.

On the point of sulking - my ex was a sulker, it was intolerable. To be made to feel invisible in a relationship is one of the worst feelings. I know people will says its so abusive etc etc yes it is, but it's rooted in abjet emotional immaturity. Sulkers are stunted in childhood coping strategies. It's a shame because I understand the 90% great thing completely - but that 10% is just not worth it.

Put his shit outside the door and don't speak to him.

@Gilda152 thanks. Yes I asked and he did..partly that’s why I’m upset, absolutely no communication or fight, just agreement and now gone after all this time. Prior to this we had just had a blissful week away, it hurts.
I appreciate and understand the parent part..but we spoke every day and it wouldn’t have hurt for him to mention and I’d have supported and understood..but silence equals..well no clue really?
And yes it is the worst feeling..it makes you feel like you meant nothing.

@Aquamarine1029 I did. Still hurts

Dont worry I made the same mistake as you, expecting a sulking man to become an animated man of purpose, who would do anything to save his relationship. They don't care. It's hard to take but it's the truth. Not enough to do anything about it. I know that hurts. But he's not the right person for you. I'm now very happily married but I could have lived several more years of my life grovelling to my sulking ex to snap out of it couldn't I, instead I did what you did, and like yours he didn't react and didn't try to come back - but what a blessing that was in the end!! I would never have met my husband.

You ended the relationship and he accepted that. I don’t know that I would describe that as sulking.

Think the sulking was before this April

I know exactly how you feel op - I’ve also just ended a long relationship because I got fed up with trying to gloss over the 10% shit to hold onto the 90% bliss. I miss the 90% so much and it physically hurts that he hasn’t even tried to contact me. But I know it’s for the best because if he’d shown even a tiny amount of remorse for the nasty things he said to me, I’d have forgiven him and now be counting down the days until he did it again and again and again. None of us are perfect but if you have a line and he continually crosses it then you’re better off away from him. . Hold on to the 10%, it will save you from making a big mistake when you’re having a wobble.

And having to pick up something important was how he wheedled his way back in every time before this, so keep it business like and don’t feel guilty about the sick parent. If he’d needed your support he could have spoken to you about it before this

You said it OP. Well you're definitely better off without that head fuck.
You don't deserve to be treated like that. Nobody does.

Thanks all. I know you’re right. I will never hear from him again I know, it’s a very odd concept when you’ve been majority happy. A week prior to the sulking we been on a happy weeks holiday..it is baffling how they can act so immature, selfish and then jeopardise a great future with a loving partner over sulking and stubbornness.

The other hard bit to realise is they don't foresee a future with you, no matter how fantastic we might think the relationship mostly was. Sulkers live in the moment and not in a good way, if they didn't they would be able to deal with their emotions in a more measured way and understand the impact on the relationship.

They don't foresee a future full stop. How can you when you're such a slave to your emotions that normal ups and downs of relationships make you sulk?! In time you'll take this man down from his 90% pedastal and realise there is someone out there who will put up with this for life from him, but it doesn't have to be you.

@Gilda152 I needed to hear that..I mean I didn’t but I totally get what you’re saying.
In ways you just feel cross with yourself for putting up with it

You do, but you'd feel an awful lot crosser if you gave any more of your life to him knowing full well that means more of the same, year in, year out. I KNOW the good times with a sulker are good. But the fact is they are fully grown men who haven't evolved enough to be able to face their emotions and at this point, they never will. And you'd never be able to help and support them to get coping strategies in place to sort this out because they can't and won't face any negative emotions in order to work on them - so it's a catch 22.

My sulker went off and is now with someone younger and they have a child together. He is 51 she is 31. I have know him since he was 22. He hasn't changed a bit since then and never will, she has several decades of her life ahead of her being sulked at. Can you imagine being ok with that? You've made a great and brave decision to hold your hands up and say "I'm not dealing with this anymore and I know you won't either so that's the end of our story".

Don't fool yourself thinking that he'll be amazing for someone else - the man is fully grown and formed, that's who he is.

I promise you, hand on heart, better is yet to come and now you're available to receive it.

@Gilda152 thank you. I know you’re right. I’ve tried to fix something that can’t be fixed too many times. He’s showing how much I mean to him..nothing.

I'm afraid you will hear from him again, I give it a few months and you'll get a text out of the blue 'how's you' or something similar

My ex was as you've described yours, he also ruined Xmas for me one year, chose those days to ignore me over something trivial. We split in the February, in May I got 'X' in an email. I started talking to him again, but when I refused to meet him and refused to get sucked back in he threw another tantrum. He's been blocked on every medium for years now

I could have written your post word for word OP. Mine is sulking now because he perceived I was annoyed with him on the phone on Friday evening. He has ignored me all weekend, despite having an arrangement to meet today. He ruined Christmas and New Year with two separate “episodes” over nothing and I forgave him (as usual). We broke up last January - he walked out in a sulk about nothing - and I took him back in May - more fool me! Since then, his bad and totally unpredictable behaviour has escalated. It’s now more like 70% good and 30% bad, probably because he knows he can get away with it. I’m asking myself some hard questions this weekend. My relationship is slightly longer than yours but I’ve had enough now. I can’t deal with the drama any more and it’s gradually chipping away at everything I feel and ever felt for him… sadly. Stay strong and see this breakup out. There are better times ahead for you. And me I hope. Good luck.

"Sulkers live in the moment and not in a good way, if they didn't they would be able to deal with their emotions in a more measured way and understand the impact on the relationship." I think @Gilda152 has hit the nail on the head with this comment.

@2DogsOnMySofa all of my ex’s have come back in time..whatever it be apologising, arguing, they tried..but this one..I don’t think so. Baffles me really due to what we had as a whole but I’ll honest drop down if I ever hear from him again. He’d been quiet for weeks prior to me mentioning his stuff.

@rosyvalentine sorry to hear you’re in the same boat. It’s horrible isn’t it. There behaviour isn’t not only childish but hurtful and confusing. What do you think you’re going to do?

I know it sounds horrible and I mean it I’m the nicest possible way but it’s really helped knowing some of you are going through the same problems. It felt like an alien conception at first and only close friends understood as had heard of moments..I’m sure lots of people don’t understand this pattern of behaviour they give.

Welcome to pm of you want to vent, I know it helps some days x