Ducks finally in a row... help me leave?

[Sweetshake]

I decided I was leaving DP 3 years ago, after the birth of our second child. Due to a number of selfish acts on his part, my love for him just wore away. He moved to the spare room at my request and although there have been odd nights of bed sharing, maybe 20% of the time, we mostly sleep apart.

I don't find him attractive, I think he's incredibly selfish, boring and we're still not married after postponing plans time and time again and then just not even bothering to discuss it over the last 3 years. Not being married and having children together just isn't acceptable for me anymore. We owe each other some security.

The problem is that living, for 3 years, knowing that I would leave him, making plans, the time has come now, my ducks are lined up and I'm finding it difficult to leave. It isn't because I've realised I have deeper feelings for him, it's because I've become numb to this way of living. I think "maybe I could tolerate living like this. I've done it for 3 years." It's not happy, it's not joyous, but it's tolerable. There's no abuse, but we live separate lives. He has his friends, I have mine. He has his hobbies, I have mine. I have a nice life with hobbies and enjoy my DCs.

Then the other half of me craves a loving relationship. But not with him. I often wish it was with him for the sake of the children, but had we not had children, I'd have left years ago.

The other issue is that I grew up in an abusive household, so this life feels so much better than that. It's difficult to leave when although, it's not the happy life I want with the commitment that I want, it's a whole lot better than my childhood. My standards are quite low I guess.

To add, we tried relationship counselling but it failed after 3 sessions as he declined to turn up anymore. His reasoning was "it's ridiculous that we're paying someone to sort our relationship out when we could sort it out ourselves." But he never committed to sorting it out ourselves. I think we both walk on egg shells around each other now and even try not to make an effort with each other due to the risk of being rejected.

I'm also at a point where I find him infuriating most of the time. His ways of doing things, his odd behaviour. I have lost all respect for him and find myself snapping at and making sarcastic remarks almost constantly.

Is there anything anyone can say to spur me on to leave?

I think things won’t stay like this, if that helps. You’re already finding him infuriating and snapping. My guess would be that things deteriorate or that one of you finds someone else and then there is all the complexity of that to deal with. My suggestion would be to get some individual therapy about the relationship to help support your decision making and to make changes either by leaving or seeing how the relationship can shift, although perhaps it is too late for that. Your children could see what a loving relationship looks like, not just a non abusive one.

Regarding finding him infuriating, you have two options:

1)you can leave in good terms now.

2. you can wait until you are so fed up things become toxic at home and damaging for the children and then leave anyway.

Honestly, this is pretty much like jumping in a lake for a swim not knowing how deep or cold the water is, but you have done your swimming classes, so you will survive and once you aclimatise to the water, you will enjoy it.

I don't think it will be a surprise to him that you choose to leave.

The main thing to spur you on is your children. We accept far more than we should for ourselves. Remember this is the relationship model you are giving your children. Do you want their relationships to be tolerable at best, no joy, occasional spark of happiness that make them think well at least it is better than what i saw growing up?

I think you tolerated it ok because you were also getting your ducks in a row. Long term you will very likely get depressed also your teaching DC that adult relationships are about tolerating one another and not being committed and loving one another.

You deserve to be loved and cherished and happy. You may ending waiting quite some time for that and stay living with just your DC and a non-live in partner but it's certainly doable.

In the meantime how financially are your protected? How's your pension and savings versus his? Who is going to carry the load during sick days and school holidays etc.

The numbness, the fear, the "is staying the better option"

• completely normal.

Feel the fear and do it anyway?

I think you tolerated it ok because you were also getting your ducks in a row.
Yes. I agree with this. It reminds me of handing my notice in to jobs i disliked. The last few months were always tolerable, even enjoyable, as I knew it was short term.

Your children have one childhood
Their’s may not be as bad as yours was but in 20 years time will they look back on their childhood and wish it had been so much better ?

They will probably look back and wish mummy had been much less pissed off with Daddy I expect.

"In the meantime how financially are your protected? How's your pension and savings versus his? Who is going to carry the load during sick days and school holidays etc." I'm not @randommess and it's one of the reasons I'm wanting to leave. He refused to pay in to a separate pension fund for me when I went PT, refused to make wills. I had to go PT because the lion's share was falling to me and it made me mentally ill. I've been much happier since being PT (around 5 years) but I've suffered financially, the price I chose to pay. But it's obviously affected our relationship. It felt lik entrapment at the time because he wouldn't do more in the home, but didn't give me the financial security either.

I'm FT again now, hence why my ducks are lined up, youngest is at preschool, but the pressures aren't the same as before, so it's easy to forget what he put me through. He's also taken on much more of the load this time around so it's much easier. But I can never forgive him for the way he treated me when I was vulnerable.

Hi OP,

I can’t even imagine how difficult it is to make the move to leave, but I just wanted to say that you deserve every happiness. You deserve a loving, committed relationship and your children deserve to see their mummy happy. Never ever settle for anything less.

As pp said, I think now is the time to make the move to leave, as you said you have your ducks in a row now. Your kids will most definitely thank you for it later.

Wishing you all the best

Keep reading your own OP and good luck

So you can’t trust him to have your back if you are vulnerable again. Is that enough to get you out the door?

How would you feel if he said to you that he is leaving you?

So you can’t trust him to have your back if you are vulnerable again.

Spot on @Rainbowqueeen

Have you no wills ?
Do you own or rent your house?

I don't think there will be anything anyone can say. It has to come from you. It is always going to feel uncomfortable and scary to make that step - all change feels that way.

The future is uncertain if you leave - nobody can guarantee exactly how it will go - but it has hope, options and possibilities for better than the present. Staying is familiar but does it have any hope for the life you want to live? It doesn't sound like it. You wouldn't have invested so much in leaving otherwise.

I might suggest focusing on the future and where you want life to be, rather than allowing the uncomfortable emotions in the present to keep you stuck. That was what enabled me to break free when the emotion and fear of taking that step felt too overwhelming to overcome - imagining how I would feel in 5 or 10 years if I didn't leave vs how I felt about the life I could be free to build if I left.

For me, the prospect of giving up and staying forever felt so much worse than the temporary fear, uncertainty and discomfort of leaving. (And I felt pretty wretched about leaving).

Thank you all. I think I'll try focusing on the future as suggested. Make some notes and see how my current life fits.