did my mother always hate me?

[notwhoimsupossedtobe]

I always think that my mom honestly hates everything I do. Im so sorry, but writing it in this way hurts a little less, or at least that s what I want to believe...

In front of you, I have never been enough and I wonder mom, if one day I will be.

Scene 1

Girls like you will never go to heaven. Why didn't you help your brother make his bed? You just did yours.

My brother is only 3 years younger than me, he can make his bed.

An icy look and a, God forgive her, emerged later.

Scene 2

My face all sprouted, allergic reaction to a drug. On the way to the dermatologist. Me crying.

Stop making scenes. You don't see that we are in public. Behave.

I wouldn't stop crying and you wouldn't stop invalidating me.

Scene 3

You ask if your dad is cleaning up the mess he made on the floor. it was nothing

She approaches me and sees the supposed disaster. I tell her again it was nothing.

Here in this house nobody pays attention to me, you never listen to me. And after that, she doesn't speak to me again.

Mother?

There's no answer.

Scene 4

Clean room. All in order.

What a mess you have in your room. You have to be more organized.

There was nothing out of place. I say

Nothing can be said to you. You always respond to everything I say. I will not say anything to you again.

Scene 5

In my room, on vacation, reading a book.

A banal question and I answer a banal answer.

That is why no one speaks to you in this house. Have you noticed that no one speaks to you in this house? It is impossible to talk to you. Everyone prefers not to talk to you.

She leaves and there I was. With the book in my hands and a question that never leaves my lips.

Mom ... will one day Ill be enough for you? Do you hate me?

I don't know if you really want a reply , but your mum doesn't sound very nice . Does she prefer your brother ? 💐 for you .

How old are you?

As the poster above suggests, let's think about your Mum...does she have many friends? What's her relationship with her partner like? Does she have a job? Does she get on with neighbours? How about her brothers and sisters?

It sounds like your Mum might have problems so it would be interesting to hear more about how she behaves with others to understand her better before we think about why she behaves this way with you.

Its not your fault your mother is like this and you did not make her that way either. It appears she has cast you in this family as the scapegoat for all her inherent ills and your brother here is the favoured golden child. Its not possible to have a relationship with someone this disordered of thinking.

I would read "Will I ever be good enough" by Karyl McBride.

Lots of us have the same feelings towards our Mums. The important thing is to validate how YOU feel. If you felt that she hated you, then that's what your reality was. I read your examples, I can read your pain. Have you had any therapy? Growing up feeling hated or unwanted has profound impacts on our capacity to love ourselves as adults and we can end up with very poor mental health. Take care of yourself. x

@AttliaTheMeerkat has said exactly what I would. My mother sounds very similar to yours.

I’m sorry OP. I feel my mum didn’t like me either. I haven’t had therapy, but I am ensuring history doesn’t repeat itself with my daughter. Never will I tell her to shut up and I will always show an interest in what she has to say.

I have been NC with my mum, for many years. Everything was always my fault, constantly criticised, I would never get a good job (I did) I would never learn to drive (I did). It was only when I become a mum myself I realised that she was abusive, I would never, ever treat my DS’ like that.

I think my mother wanted a boy. From young she would cut my hair short, make me wear boys clothes and grey shorts. When I became a teen she would accuse me of fancying her husband ew, he was actually an alright bloke. Loads of other shit over years, till I went no contact and now she's in her 80s low contact. I've come to realise she has absolutely no concept about others feelings. It still hurts though, but least I know it wasn't my fault. As you should to.

Had another thought —- don’t know your age or how old your mother is but could she be jealous? Maybe she envies your freedoms, fashions, relationships?

She is scapegoating you and sounds like your brother is the golden child. Does she have other narcissistic traits?

This might be interesting reading for you.

outofthefog.website/other-articles/characteristics-of-narcissistic-mothers

Also read articles written by Peg Streep. I think she has a website.

I am n.c. with my mother. I have felt riddled with shame but I am finally realising (after therapy) that the problem lies with her not me and it is not about who I am. The scapegoat/golden child scenario does seem to fit in your case op. and it's worth reading up about this.

Ignore ignore and forgive. Rely on yourself and not on her to validate who you are. Maybe her parents treated her like that or even worse. It's due to ignorance and lack of knowledge/experience.

thank u so much for all your replies.
Im in my 20s for the one who was asking...
The worst thing is that after doing that, she just seems to completely forget everything she has said to me and then tries to speaks normally to me. That just makes everything so much confusing...
I think Im going crazy.