Is this financial abuse?

[Elwood30]

Is this financial abuse?

Name changed for obvious reasons. I am trying to get my head sorted.

My partner quit his job about 11 years ago because he was not happy. It was a secure job. I was unhappy about him quitting but he got a good job shortly after. Within 2 years he was made redundant. At that time I had just had our second child.

He decided it made sense for him to be full time parent and for me to work. I didn't earn enough but we muddled on with debt increasing. I continued to work and got a couple of promotions and earnings increased. I arranged for an interest only on the mortgage to keep a roof over our heads.

Fast forward 10 or so years. He still doesn't work. I am exhausted.! I have health issues. He keeps coming up with reasons why he can't do X or Y job. None of which makes sense. I forward lots of job adverts but it is met with silence..

So he has spent the last 10 or so years being a full time parent but I have felt huge pressure to be the financial provider at a cost to my health.

My question is does this constitute financial abuse? I certainly feel put upon and exhausted. I don't know what else to call it.

If you aren’t in agreement with these choices and he knows that or has coerced you then yes I would say it is a form of abuse- but I must ask why you didn’t put your foot down if you weren’t in agreement.. why have you carried on supporting his choice? It sounds to me like a big imbalance and I’m not surprised at all you feel as you do! Do you still love him.. I think I would feel used tbh. Xo

Why didn't I put my foot down? If only I could answer that. I think I tried but unsuccessfully.
Yeah I feel used.

You cannot make him do anything

But you caN reconsider your situation given your health issues
Downsize
Work less hours
How old are dc now?

No adult should be made to financially support another adult in a partnership. People must take responsibility for themselves or else it becomes unequal and resentment can build up if it goes on for any length of time.

Youngest is 12. Yep resentment has definitely built up. Totally agree you can't make someone do anything. And I have tried..

@Elwood30
Sorry but I could not be with a man that did not work, that goes for with or without kids, I would take dc and leave find a smaller house to live in and tell him he can finance himself from now on. You will aleast get a break when he has dc for his contact nights. Goodluck 💐

Youngest doesn't need childcare.
Leave.

Is the property joint owned?
Split up and lead your own life

I would say so yes. He has been making you financially responsible for his upkeep. Although perhaps it was good to have him do the care for the kids while they were young this sounds like it’s not the case anymore.

You are not responsible for him just because you are together. You do have a say and I would be giving a deadline here or an ultimatum but not sure everyone would agree with that but if this is making you Ill and unhappy then he will need to respect you enough to get a job and provide too

Op, what are you looking for here? If it's permission to leave you don't need any. You can leave for any reason, especially if you're unhappy. What would having it described as abuse give you? A name for your hurt, feelings of abandonment, your sense of injustice?

I wouldn't call it abuse . In the first few years it probably made sense for 1 of you to stay at home as childcare is expensive but I think now your youngest is now at high school you now have a fully seasoned Cocklodger!!! I think he's massively unfair staying at home knowing you working south is putting so much pressure on you and making your health decline. After 12 years he's not going to be the most attractive candidate for a job either :/ seriously op if this were me he would be getting told that you are meant to be a team that he needs to take some steps to prepare going back to work and then get a job no ifs no buts. If he doesn't you already are doing it on your own so pack his bags !! Take care x

If this was a man posting about his wife having not worked for 10 years there would be a lot of posts pointing out him "enabling" your career and that it's not that easy just to walk into a job after so long out of the workplace.

I do agree he needs to work as it doesn't sound like your family can afford for him not to. But after 10 years of not working, it's not as simple as "just get a job".

I can understand why you have continued to work when he doesn’t —- bills have to be paid, you don’t want your utilities cut off for none payment.
I think you have to decide how you end the current situation. Give him a month to find a job or our arrangement comes to an end and he’s out?
He really can’t go on living off you and with your youngest 10 there’s no need for an adult home all day.

I'm not sure that it's abuse but I definitely wouldn't be happy about it.

You can't force him to work but you can decide not to support him anymore. Personally I would be looking at leaving, you would be in a much better position financially as you wouldn't be having to support him aswell

The 'is it abuse?' questions always confuse me.

Do you find this behaviour acceptable? I think not.

You have to take responsibility for your own happiness, within the constraints you have.

If he won't get a job and you don't want to support him, you can end the relationship and you might want to model the financial consequences of that (you mention debt...whose name is it in? Is he going to fight for custody and therefore possibly get the house?)

The past has gone but you can move forward. He won't change, so you will need to decide what you do want and move in that direction.

I'm not sure how he accesses money at the moment but you might want to limit that.

Not so much, more being lazy. I hope he does all of the food shopping, cooking, cleaning and washing when he's at home all day.

I wouldn't characterise it as financial abuse, but selfish and irresponsible, definitely.

Perhaps call time on the relationship? Have the DC 50:50 he can choose between poverty or working.