Thought I would be happy by now.. wtf

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Sorry in advance if this sounds depressing.

I have healthy children, a nice home, car. Not comfortable financially but I have food in the fridge and everything I need. I have a good (ish) life. In the middle of a career change so back to university at the age of 31. Have an amazing partner so why do I feel so sad. Why can’t I ever find any joy or excitement within life?

I understand I may be depressed I’ve taken a wide range of anti depressants the majority of my life. I don’t stay in bed all day im very active, hygiene good I don’t generally feel depressed. I just feel constant sadness and can’t find happiness no matter how much I change my life, this has gone on for since I can remember, Is anyone ever 100% happy? Or could there be an underlying mental health issue? Or am I just a miserable git who inside will never find happiness? Does it exist what I’m looking for?

Wishful thinking doing this thread hoping someone will give me the answer or solution.

TIA x

When you imagine a happy life for yourself, what does it look like?

I was just like you. Wasn't until they found right anti depressant for me I started to feel human. Also realised I had the tendency to very negative thinking it was my default setting and was exhausting. Working to change this and it has helped me enormously.

X

Highly recommend The Self love Journal by Leslie Marchand. It is available on Amazon. A great wee book. Gives you exercises to complete to challenge negative thoughts and break cycle of unhappiness. Well worth a read.

Have you had any therapy alongside medication?

Happiness is not a permanent state. Its a fleeting state of mind. There is no achieving happiness permenantly because it is human nature to always want more and because, things change.

@Pinkbonbon puts it beautifully.

I agree with her.

There are several practices around gratitude, mindfulness, compassion that can help bring more joy and appreciation to our lives.

It's very interesting that careers, possessions and even romantic relationships or parenthood are less able to bring about happiness than some sort of spiritual practice (such as those above...journalling, meditation, charity we could add).

It is almost as if we were lied to when we were children, although I do hear schools are getting much better at teaching children this.

I am also a huge fan of a non competitive hobby. Something which won't win you prizes or likes on social media...like baking cookies, doing a jigsaw, making felt animals or playing the piano or watercolours.

I cannot tell you why but I have observed for many decades that people with such a hobby seem to suffer less with depression and anxiety.

It could be our grannies were wiser than we knew.

I don't know what the answer is but I feel the same; not sad exactly but don't really see the point of life and find it hard to find any joy in it.

I agree that happiness is not a permanent state to aim for. I think the absence of anxiety and a sense of purpose is my goal now after reading a good few books about happiness a while ago (Catherine Grey's ''The simple joy of the ordinary'' was my favourite, also liked Jonathan Rauch the Happiness Curve and Gretchin Rubin's The happiness project)

What I took/remember from these books

Hedonic adaptation , you hedonically adapt to what's good. So if you're berating yourself for your feelings because you have a good house, a good husband, lovely kids, don't, because you've adapted to that.

Values / Congruence. Go over what your values are and check that how you spend your time and how you live your life aligns with your values. eg, If you say you're creative but you never create anything then get the paints out. If you say you hate bullies then include the person most likely to be left out. If you value courage, go somewhere on your own and take a risk.

Free time- Pastimes shouldn't be all relaxing. Watching netflix and doing nothing at the weekend is a relief in the moment but leaves no sense of accomplishment so divide your freetime up. Get the sewing machine out, learn a language etc..

Socialising - it doesn't all have to be out to drink or to eat. It can be volunteering or debating, amatuer dramatics, art classes or mentoring. Volunteering obviously covers two categories.

Goals - aim towards something, but not necessarily in a work context. couch to 5k or learn to juggle.

Also give something back but only if it's a cause true to your heart, not for the sake of it.

I am lazy and I thought how can I combine all of these? A city walking tour combines walking (that contributes to well-being) and gives you knowledge about the history of the city and you get to talk to other people on the tour. So that combines three things that ............. well, if they don't make you happy, they will keep you busy enough not to think about being whether you're happy or not.
Good luck, and don't worry. It's all normal.

I'm practicing self-compassion atm and it's very good for acknowledging that life can be challenging, we all feel the same things and not every emotion is fact. Sometimes what we feel is just passing through.

I think the bit about values was from Edith Hall's Aristotles Way. I really enjoyed that one.

So true wrt the non competitive hobby. I have got so much simple joy out of creating very unimpressive figures out of clay!

What a wonderful post @UserBot989!

I shall be looking up all those books.

I should be doing more of this not just typing it! Although I did tweak a few things in my life. I decided I valued time off more than a bit more money so I took a small cut and went 90% which is every second monday off. I love it.

I need to go back over the catherine grey book and the edith hall book.

I have been depressed a few times in my life; have done therapy; have been at all the various emotional states. And here is how it seems to me.
Happiness isn’t the flip side of depression. The best ADDs can get you is to a neutral place - where they soften or erase the unhappiness.
In order to figure out why you aren’t able to appreciate the good in your life and feel happy about something (or anything) - you do need to spend time with someone who can guide you through deep soul searching and self discovery. You need to understand yourself and what makes you happy. And you need to allow yourself to feel too.
It isn’t easy to do it by yourself, especially since you are saying it’s been years.

Finally - I’d also check in with your doctor - as you are saying you are feeling sad. Your ADDs may beed adjustment. You aren’t event in the neutral yet.

It’s interesting what someone said about spirituality bringing happiness.
I was raised in a very ‘spiritual’ family and find today I’m properly happy most of the time.
But otherwise I think it might be to do with the extremely low standards I set for myself, others and my life.
It means I’m constantly delighted something has turned out better than rubbish.
Also just heading outdoors and appreciating the ‘beauty’ always fills me with joy.

I think sometimes the thread title can skew the responses and posing questions like "Is anyone ever 100% happy?....Does it exist what I’m looking for?" start people off on a discussion but it's not specifically focusing on your issue.

What stood out to me was I just feel constant sadness

You said you generally don't feel depressed, but how do you think you are supposed to feel when you're depressed? Feeling constant sadness could definitely be depression.

Hi I found your post last night and resonated with it. I've been on and off antidepressants for years too. I was feeling like this for a long time but it got worse.

My situation may be different to yours as I'm a recovering alcoholic and my father was an alcoholic. It's kind of relevant bear with me. I returned to AA which teaches all about a spiritual malady. I also went to see a private counsellor. With information from these two sources I've discovered there definitely is a spiritual remedy to work your way out of this. I shut myself down as a teenager without knowing. I've got through life the way society sees fit and thought I was doing ok. Children, marriage, home ect but once these milestones were all reached I had a mental breakdown. I've had to start soul searching, undoing an awful lot of belief systems that were ingrained in me from parents, churches, friends, old relationships ect. I also have a natural negative and defeatist view of myself which I've had to first acknowledge and start to try and challenge.

It's basically like I've had to find and get in touch with my inner child, nurture her ect. Sounds a bit crazy but slowly I'm starting to feel a bit better. I need to write gratitude lists everyday, say prayers ect but honestly I felt so hopeless I was willing to try anything.

Sorry this a bit jumbled up and I don't feel I've articulated myself very well but I would suggest you book a session with a counsellor. Mine was £40 for an hour, I had two sessions and she was really helpful in finding a root of my unhappiness.

Wish you well

Are you on the pill. I was like this and then came off the pill and a cloud lifted.