Exhausted due to mum

[Ewan83]

I’m exhausted by my mother. For the last ten years I’ve helped while mum was sectioned a number of times (she had a breakdown due to accepting no help to look after my dad) While she was away I had to arrange carers for my dad as he had dementia and for the pets as he was unable to look after them). I sorted carers pay for mum and allowance for dad due to his illness. I got no thanks for this just my mum complaining about the bill for the care and that id allowed social services into their home. Following dads death I had to sort out everything (funeral, accounts etc) Now despite being mid 50s she seems to have given up. She has refused all offers of help to get out more, bit more education, volunteer or a job. She is on anti depressants and is regularly at the doctors for check ups but every day she just sits at home and does nothing but smoke. This also frustrates me as she worries about money (she has never worked having relied on dad for everything including the house and money she has to live on). I can’t help but get angry that everything dad worked so hard for is literally going up in smoke as she spends it all on fags! Meanwhile the house is dirty and brown with smoke and she doesn’t seem to notice as she has told me she has been cleaning and tidying up. She has no friends (she doesn’t need them apparently), no family and I feel it’s all down to me but I’m resentful because I’ve worked hard to carve a life out for myself and we have struggled to cover bills, get a mortgage etc while she sits in her own home and moans about everything including money, being bored and tired and does nothing to change the situation. Every conversation I have with her on the phone (I live 200 miles away) or when I visit is woe her and she talks over me and I feel takes nothing in of what I say to her about my life. I just feel mentally exhausted… I can only see her smoking what money she has away and then moaning about what little benefits she will get as I doubt she’ll qualify for a pension…

There is very little you can do to change her apart from going no contact. The more you try and get her to take responsibility the more she will resist.
She is relatively young, has options but is choosing to ignore all suggestions. Probably depressed but that is not your problem. Weigh up what she brings to your life and what you bring to hers, does it make sense to carry on like this?

Unfortunately she has checked out of life and doesn't want personal responsibility. There's not really anything you can do about that other than limit the effect it has on you by limiting your own exposure to it.

If she’s been sectioned a number of times, I assume she must have had some fairly serious mental issues?

Regardless it sounds like you’ve done your best and it sounds pretty exhausting. I don’t really think there’s much more you can do. If she wants to smoke all day, that’s her choice. She will get a pension of some kind, or income support, so there is no real reason for you to worry about that or get involved. Lower contact is all I think all you can do.