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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

What to say to a colleague?

10 replies

Scarby9 · 07/01/2022 12:43

Whose husband has told her he doesn't want to spend the rest of his life with her?
This has come out of the blue.

They have had a very stressful year - him redundancy and new job, moved house, several bereavements, him a health crisis.

There really does not appear to be anything else - he says the death of friends and time in hospital have consolidated the feeling that he wants something different for his remaining years.

Mid 50s, 32 year marriage, all kids now left home or at uni.

She is devastated and I am finding it so difficult to know what to say and how to support after the initial response. She is also his carer currently as he has just come out of hospital.

We are friendly at work but have never met outside, so not friends as such. But they haven't told any of their friends or family - three of us at her work are the only people who know.

I don't want to keep asking how she is as that might be annoying, but do want to support.

Can anyone say what they found useful from colleagues or friends, or what they have said/done that was helpful? Thank you.

OP posts:
Bowwowwowoh · 07/01/2022 13:26

She's going to need to talk about this so could you offer practical support like suggesting you and she meet up for a drink?

HollowTalk · 07/01/2022 13:30

Wow, I would be very hands off regarding his care if that was his attitude. What a horrible situation for her to be in.

ravenmum · 07/01/2022 13:55

I agree, ask her out for a drink/meal and let her talk. Do you have any hobbies or activities she might like to join in with?
Maybe help her find out what outside care he could get - all very honest of him telling her what he feels etc. but he hasn't thought twice about what it would be like for her to feel obliged to look after him after that bombshell. A bit of criticism of him from you on that note might help her feel better, too - she probably feels unable to moan about him because of all these crises.

Scarby9 · 07/01/2022 16:33

Thank you for your thoughts.
We live almost 70 miles apart (travel in to work from diametrically opposite places) and both tend to need to leave straight after work, but I will suggest a coffee and chat during the day.
I know nothing about their marriage. I've met him probably three times when he has called into work, and he seemed perfectly nice. She says the same about him!
You're right that I don't want to criticise him because they may get through this. Also, he does have the right to make this decision about his life.
I think, and she does too, that counselling would be useful, whatever the outcome for the marriage.
I'll just keep giving her the opportunity to talk and letting her know I'm here.

OP posts:
Valeriekat · 09/01/2022 18:07

She is a carer for a man who doesn't want to be with her?
Why?

Scarby9 · 09/01/2022 23:50

Temporary carer, yes. He just came out of hospital and has only just told her.

OP posts:
PyongyangKipperbang · 10/01/2022 00:52

@Scarby9

Temporary carer, yes. He just came out of hospital and has only just told her.
Perhaps she should tell him that she respects his wishes and will leave him to sort out his own care.
Onthedunes · 10/01/2022 03:28

@Scarby9

Temporary carer, yes. He just came out of hospital and has only just told her.
Maybe his illness is affecting his thought processes.

But it it seems a rather truthful thing to blurt out whilst someone is caring for you, especially after 32 years together.

Personally i'd be stubbing cigarettes out on him as part of his care plan.

ravenmum · 10/01/2022 11:07

You're right that I don't want to criticise him because they may get through this. Also, he does have the right to make this decision about his life
I wasn't suggesting criticising him for wanting to end it. I was saying that he should be criticised for his timing! Telling her he wants to end it when he knows she has to wipe his bum for the next however many weeks after receiving that information is shitty behaviour, however nice a person he may be. Shitty behaviour should be criticised.

Scarby9 · 10/01/2022 15:47

I think I agree with you, @ravenmum.
But in his head I think he went for full disclosure as soon as he saw her (well, got home from hospital) so that she could decide if she did want to look after him or not ie. not just use her for a few weeks, then tell her.
She has bern off work today, but is due back tomorrow, so I will catch up with her then.

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