Meet the Other Phone. Protection built in.

Meet the Other Phone.
Protection built in.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

How best to leave furious, abusive, alcoholic husband?

21 replies

lemuelgulliver · 06/01/2022 21:30

That's it really.

We've got two young kids, are in a rented house, he earns loads more than I do. He is extremely emotionally abusive and becomes very angry at the slightest thing.

He isn't physically violent but he is seething, often drunk, and very verbally abusive, very unpredictable, lots of silent treatment, lots of hurtful performances.

He will not leave quietly and let the dust settle, and I do not have the money to rent somewhere new (plus I don't want the kids to have to suffer from him remaining in the old house).

Does anyone have any tips?

I had imagined myself slowly getting things sorted behind the scenes but he is ramping up for another episode of abuse and to be in the house this evening is just horrible, he is being very horrible. I need a plan.

OP posts:
FortunesFave · 06/01/2022 21:39

Call Women's Aid. They know everything and can help you in practical ways not just advice. I'm sorry you're going through this...

You can apply for an occupation order which means he has to leave the house by law and you can stay. You'd get help with rent from benefits.

www.gov.uk/injunction-domestic-violence/eligibility-occupation

You can also apply for a non molestation order which means he can't even come near you.

www.gov.uk/injunction-domestic-violence/eligibility-non-molestation

To do both these things you need to report his behaviour to the police. It doesn't matter that he's not been violent either....it's still abuse.

FortunesFave · 06/01/2022 21:40

Here's some information about non violent domestic abuse...it IS recognised.
Domestic abuse is defined as: Any incident or pattern of incidents of controlling, coercive, threatening behaviour, violence or abuse between those aged 16 or over, who are, or have been intimate partners or family members regardless of gender or sexuality.

The abuse can encompass but is not limited to the following types of abuse:

Psychological
Physical
Sexual
Financial and or
Emotional
Coercive and controlling behaviour became an offence in December 2015 and gives powers to the authorities to bring prosecutions for psychological abuse, closing the gap in the law around patterns of such behaviour.

The offence carries a maximum 5 year prison sentence and a fine.

Controlling acts may include, but not be exclusive to, manipulation, intimidation, sexual coercion and psychological abuse. The behaviour is intended to make a person become submissive, or to isolate them from sources of support, such as their friends and family. It might include monitoring their time, or communication with others, including checking someone’s mobile phone or online communication.

It could also be exploiting their resources, such as their wages or access to money, depriving them of their independence and trying to regulate or control every day behaviour such as where they can go, who they can see and what to wear.

It may be stopping someone accessing specialist support services, repeatedly putting them down, humiliating or degrading them and making threats to hurt them or their children, or publish private information about them.

Something that may seem like harmless behaviour in isolation, can have devastating effects on a victim when they are subjected to repeated controlling behaviour. We would encourage people to speak to someone about any behaviour that is concerning them, all reports will be treated sensitively and taken seriously.

lemuelgulliver · 06/01/2022 22:13

Thank you

OP posts:
Santaisstilleatingmincepies · 06/01/2022 22:14

I left when he was at work. Dgm lent me money for private rental, ndn drove the van.

Dearblossom · 06/01/2022 22:15

Good luck Brew Cake

lemuelgulliver · 06/01/2022 22:15

That's inspiring @Santaisstilleatingmincepies -- what happened next? Do you have kids?

OP posts:
wizzywig · 06/01/2022 22:15

Please cover your tracks well op and keep sage xx

Sarahlou63 · 06/01/2022 22:15

He doesn't have to be physically violent to scare you, drunk and unstable is enough. Quietly call the police and have him removed.

lemuelgulliver · 06/01/2022 22:17

He has the gift of the gab @Sarahlou63. I called the police on him once before and he charmed them totally.

OP posts:
Santaisstilleatingmincepies · 06/01/2022 22:32

He got access to younger dc but not older one due to them witnessing him being violent and abusive towards me.
As soon as they reached teens they dumped him. Dc 27 and 26 haven't seen him for over 12 years..

lemuelgulliver · 07/01/2022 09:34

I’m glad you’re all safe and well now

OP posts:
thisisscary · 02/02/2022 23:02

@lemuelgulliver how are things? I'm in a similar situation. Are you still with him or did you manage to get out?

lemuelgulliver · 03/02/2022 21:59

Hi @thisisscary, no I'm still here. I managed to de-fuse him a bit (or he is in a natural quiet patch) and I am applying for loads of jobs so I can pay my way out. I'm sorry you're in the same situation. Does your husband have calm patches? What's been going on at yours? Feel free to post your stuff here and everyone can help.

OP posts:
thisisscary · 03/02/2022 22:32

Yes, calm patches here too and we're in one now. Like you I'm planning.

I have found out though that you can often get Legal Aid when domestic abuse is involved, also that if you are fleeing domestic abuse the council have an obligation to offer you emergency housing, like the same day.

Good to know in an emergency xx

Thisisworsethananticpated · 03/02/2022 22:34

Women’s aid darling
I donate to them every month
They helped me
Sending all my strength
They can advise
Be totally honest and tell everything

lemuelgulliver · 03/02/2022 22:45

Do you have kids @thisisscary? It’s horrible knowing it will inevitably turn nasty again

OP posts:
thisisscary · 03/02/2022 22:55

Yes. My son will be coming to safety with me.

again2020 · 04/02/2022 09:14

I don't have much advice but just wanted you to know I'm in a very similar situation. It's horrible knowing they are going to come back drunk and abusive and angry. My partner is a nasty bastard but capable of being very charming when he wants to be. He is also well off and has more money than me, which worries me about leaving him.
I try not to engage with him now, talking to him seems to make things worse and not solve anything.
Do you have family support?
I've been asked by my family to stay put due to money tied up in the house 🙈 if I could I'd just leave with DD.
Feel free to PM me. Flowers

thisisscary · 04/02/2022 12:22

@again2020 assets aren’t necessarily split 50/50 in the event of domestic abuse and there are benefits available too. I would urge you women’s aid. I have felt trapped for years but now have hope things will be ok.

Have you told your family he’s an abusive twat and they told you to stay with him? Or are they urging you to try to keep the house? Cause they are very different. If you can prove his abuse you and your DD can possibly get him removed from the house with an occupation order.

thisisscary · 04/02/2022 12:23

Urge you to contact women’s aid. Stupid phone Hmm

lemuelgulliver · 04/02/2022 18:05

That sounds really tough @again2020. Do your family understand the full extent of what’s going on?

OP posts:
New posts on this thread. Refresh page
Swipe left for the next trending thread