Comms with Ex broken down...

[20thCenturyWolf]

Hi all.

Sorry, not sure if this is suitable for 'Chat' or not...

After a relatively amicable divorce (financial settlement aside), things have been getting worse since I remarried a couple of years ago with my Ex now bitter & resentful 4 years after the divorce.

Communication has now pretty much broken down altogether after a very stressful past 8 months following our eldest DD being hospitalised for an ED (AN). He couldn't really deal with it - didn't see her in hospital for the first 3 days, bawled me out in front of our children when he first did, blamed me for her ED, avoided going whenever he could (needed time for himself, apparently). Now, even simple access arrangements (he has girls 2 to 3 nights a week, & is lobbying for this to be 2 only) end up with him dragging the past up again & again, & trying to pull me into a major argument each time. I need to take action to stop him making every discussed arrangement really stressful - I'm under enough stress without him acting like this.

Question is, has anyone ever used a 3rd party to organise weekly access details? So far we've had a flexible approach to when pick ups & drop offs are going to happen on weekends etc, but it's becoming impossible to make these arrangements without it ending in hideous messages. He cannot keep things civil, or just about arrangements, plus he's trying to bully me into backing down on pre-agreed arrangements in order to make his involvement even more minimal.

I'm at the end of my tether, & can only see an alternative of making hard & fast arrangements at the start of each month, which doesn't allow for my 10 & 14 years olds to have much flexibility for their social lives. Does anyone have any advice please?

Only insight I can offer is many years ago my friend was having problems with her ex —- when collecting the children he wanted to come into the house, wandered into the garden, she felt he was spying on her. At collection and drop off time I opened the door to him ( she stayed upstairs and had kissed the kids, made sure they had everything) and I ushered the kids out the door with the have a nice time, Bye, door closed. He never tried to get past me. From memory I think we did this for about a month, maybe a bit longer. He got the message.
Not sure if you mean something like this or actually using a contact centre for handover.

Thank you. That was a wonderful & supportive thing you did for your friend - she's lucky to have you in her life.
He won't come into the house any more (thankfully), so at least I don't have to often see him face to face. I was thinking of someone who could handle the text message arrangements over collection & drop off times, but doubt any such service exists other than a Mediator, & they'll not want to get involved in the weekly to & fro'ing (plus I don't have the cash!) I feel like saying all arrangments will need to be made via my DM, but he'd never agree to that! Not that she'd welcome the role either!

I would love to use a 3rd party and never speak to my ex again but sadly no one to do that,
If you do then I would definitely take that route

Would a friend do it for you ? Experience above was pre mobiles so access was a set time pick up and drop off.

So he wants LESS contact?

Is this done over text or on the phone?

Have you tried redirecting him? Like you say do you want Saturday to Monday and he says remember the war in 1914 (or whatever) and you ignore that and say is Saturday to Monday good or no? If he starts again redirect again with the warning I don't have all day to arrange this followed up with ok got to go just text me your answer and put the phone down?

Firstly, let him minimalise contact if he wants - you can't force him. It's a battle you're never going to win.
Think about a sensible contact schedule going forward.
Did you ever have fixed times for pick up and drop off? If you did, would that work?
When you've had a think about it and decided what's reasonable, email him to tell him you think that's what you both need to do so you both know what the expectations are.
As far as dragging up the past is concerned, refuse to discuss it: 'we're divorced now', 'that's in the past and there's no point in going over it again', etc. Never attempt to justify what happened or placate him - it won't achieve anything.
I'm honestly not criticising, but it sounds like you're letting him have far too much control over your feelings. (I know how difficult it can be dealing with an awkward XH.)
I'm going against the grain here, but unless he is likely to be overly aggressive or abusive, I would suggest you keep on letting him come to the door to do pickups. If you start using a third party, that will only confirm to him that he still has some power over you.

Try one of the many co-paenting apps.

Refuse any other communication.
If he wants to reduce his time, that's on him.

Thank you so much to all of you for your advice & support!!

The co-parenting app is an excellent suggestion - kicking myself for never having thought of it, could've saved YEARS of arguments & endless, "What time is DD's appointment with xx??" (despite having been cc'd into the same emails - expects me to act like his secretary half the time). Hoping for less discord this year. Thanks again x