Post split guilt

[Coffee4685]

I ended an 19-month relationship around New Year and am struggling to come to terms with it.

Since being back in work (WFH) I’ve got my flat to myself and i’m feeling really calm, if not a bit fearful about the year ahead. I have no desire to make plans or socialise. The last few weeks have been draining with the fallout BF and I had before Xmas and I switch between feeling guilty and feeling…calm. Guilt for being so awful to him in the weeks that led to this as I was so on edge, calm because I’m no longer having to cater to him.

Ex Boyf is a lovely bighearted man and our first year together was bliss. After then it unravelled. I realised that he did a lot of daft things like parking where he shouldn’t and pissing off my neighbours in the process; forgetting his passport on our way to the airport; not pulling his weight around my home where he stayed more than his own flat. His lifestyle was what you would call free spirited and I realised none of his grand plans would ever come to be - unless I did the work for him! I felt like a nag. We had discussions and nothing massively changed except he did make an effort to be tidier etc.

Sex dropped off the menu and I found him really really frustrating during those final months, not helped by the fact he traveled a lot with his job. I admit that I snapped at him to the extent that he pulled me up on it several times and asked what was wrong. I chalked it up to stress and being uninspired during lockdown.

He was, however, consistently kind and loving towards me and my family. Towards the very end we couldn’t decide where to live (I didn’t want to move into his place as per his suggestion) and when I realised I wasn’t looking forward to seeing him after his covid isolation period, I ended things.

I was totally distraught and now feel kind of numb. What if I’ve made a mistake? What if he’s the nicest man I’ve ever met and I’ve blown something good? What if every man I meet turns me into a snappy rage machine? I really don’t want that. I know these thoughts are normal after a break up but I don’t know what to do with them. I’m just numb.

I’m 31 with no kids, no plans to have kids, can’t bear the thought of being tied down right now and after being in a controlling relationship before him I just crave being alone in my home. Maybe getting a cat (he was allergic!)

So I’m basically asking for reassurance from wise mumsnetters: have I done the right thing? Is my need for solitude normal (I would usually be out distracting myself by now).

Ty

My favourite post break up quote.."it's funny how you can miss something but not want it back "
At this stsge we forget the bad stuff and yearn for the good ..but look at what you wrote and highlight the bad stuff..those things killed it for you and would again . sorry for your sadness but good things are waiting for you .

Getting a dcat is always a good move imo op..
Embrace the start of your new ife.

Omg thank you for writing this. I don’t feel so alone. I too am 31, no kids etc but considering breaking up with my fiancé of nearly 8 years. He’s a kind, loving, gentle human but I feel I have become a whole new person (I want to start my own business) but my partner is stuck in his dead end job complaining about it but not doing anything about it. I feel like I always carry the mental load when it comes to planning anything, I’m also his cleaner and cook… I feel like I’ve become his mum. The fact that you left your partner now is a good thing, things wouldn't have got better.. trust me. I love my partner but not In love with him. I’ve tried and tried to rekindle it but I can’t. It’s like we’ve aged before my time. Like we are an old boring couple, the thought of living on my own, in my own flat is so desirable.

@Verysadperson101 here to chat if you need. For what it’s worth I feel a lot of peace. Sadness (especially as he refused to take his Xmas gifts back!) but peace.

Glad there are fellow cat lovers..

I would love to chat. I feel like I’m floating around being miserable and don’t know how to end it (especially as I still love him) My previous relationship was also 8 years however he was abusive and controlling so it was easier in a way (less guilt) I have no idea how to be on my own but I feel like I have to experience it. I am also a cat lover.. we share two cats but I feel like he should have them as a sort of consolation gift.

@ginandbearit and thank you for the quote. That helped last night!

The right man won’t turn you into a rage machine.
There will be someone out there who is clean, organised and parks in all the correct spots.
Now that you’re single if you bump into him you will be free to date.

@Derelicthome crikey, that sounds like I’m after a saint 😆

I think the distraught and numb feelings are completely normal, even if it was you that ended the relationship. Just because it wasn't right for you doesn't mean you won't grieve for what you had (and what you had hoped the relationship might grow to be). The guilt will pass, listen to your gut, which is at peace with your decision. You wouldn't want a partner who was in a relationship with you out of a sense of obligation and guilt- you'd want him to be there because he really wanted to be there! Be kind to yourself and allow yourself the same. You deciding to end the relationship is not a judgement on him as a person, you just weren't suited and needed different things from a relationship. Sometimes you can only work that out once you've been in a relationship with someone for a while and you really know them. Now you're both free to find the partners that really make you both happy. AND you can get a cat...