Declining a wedding invite after initially accepting

[QTPi]

The wedding is around a 5 hour drive and is in 2 months.
It's the wedding of my husband's cousin and my DH will attend. I was planning to attend and our 3 year old son would too but now it will only be my DH.

The reason I won't attend is bc my MIL is an active alcoholic and due to some recent events I don't feel it's safe or positive in any way for my son to be around her. She will be at the wedding and definitely won't be sober.

I don't want to go into whether I should still attend. That's decided and I won't. However I can't share the real reason with the B&G or anybody else as they're not fully aware of how bad my MIL situation is and I'm just not going to share any of this with her family as it's not my place.

I can't go to the wedding and I can't share the reasons so I don't know what to tell them. The only reason I can think of that could explain it is some sort of family emergency but I don't want to lie about something like that. The other thing I can think of is telling them we're ill but then I need to wait until the last minute.

I don't know if it makes any difference money wise for them to know 2 months beforehand or whether it us too late already. I'll send them a monetary gift and I'll be as generous as my finances allow.

I don't want to cause any inconvenience for the G&B but I also can't attend. Has anyone been in a similar situation?

2 months and they can probably fill your place. Tell them ASAP, don't give a reason just say very sorry you will regretfully be unable to attend.

If it’s only a cousin of your DH and you not a blood relative at all, I really doubt they’ll be terribly upset at you declining the invitation. They’ve time to fill it and no doubt plenty of people they’d like to invite. Make up an excuse about it being too long a drive for your small child, or he’s going through some sort of behavioural / sleep regression and it will be very difficult for him to cope with, wish them a wonderful day and worry no further.

First and foremost, the priority is just to let B&G know asap that you won't be able to attend. You don't need to give a reason in doing so initially.

What does your DH think on what to say? Since it's his family and he is going to be present and probably asked on the day where you are by other guests it needs to be something he's comfortable repeating.

Just say you're really sorry and you can't make it. They won't care why.

Just say you think it will be too long a day for your 3 year old and won't be coming very sorry etc etc. Then just leave it at that. You might be bombarded with questions or solutions so stay firm.

@Clymene

Just say you're really sorry and you can't make it. They won't care why.

This. Tell them ASAP. If they should ask just say something's come up on your side of the family and leave it at that.

I’d just say it’s too much for the little fella but your husband will be there to wish them well and join in the celebrations.
If you really want to avoid hurt feeling ;which Im sure there won’t be any) drop B&G a text on the day wishing them all the best.

Thank you all for your helpful answers. It's good to know they can still fill my spot so I'll tell them ASAP.
Regarding the 'they won't care' or 'they don't need ro know the reasons' it's a bit more complicated. They'll be fine with me not going (even though we have a good relationship as my DH has a pretty close relationship with his family) - it's more of a big deal that my son is not going and there will be lots of questions to my DH and his parents since due to covid, some members of his family have barely got to see our son.

So, even if for now I just send a brief message to the B&G so they know we won't attend, my DH will be asked by every single member of his family where are his wife and son and how come we didn't attend - and that's what I don't know how to address.

Someone asked about my DH opinion on the reasons we should give. Thing is he's in a very rough moment regarding his mom's drinking and trying to process it. We visited his parents recently and his mom was clearly drunk around our child several days and her behaviour deteriorated every day. Even her husband (my DH dad) pretty much encouraged us to not stay over again and keep the distance bc things are getting really bad. I've been suspecting it for a long time but DH has been in denial until now.

So I'll discuss it with him but first I want to bring some ideas on how to address the conversations as he's a bit overwhelmed and sad right now :(

He can't say the truth so I would just say something as simple as possible like he's teething or not good on long journeys. People might guess the real reason but as long as he politely but firmly sticks to the story then no need for any drama.

Say you've got something at work come up and better DH goes on his own

I know you've already said you've made up your mind, but surely at a wedding it would be really easy to keep your child away from your MIL?

I can't be sure though. MIL will be for sure trying to spend time with her grandson and she might try to pick him up while drunk and even take him away to see other people without asking.

My son probably sees her as a safe person so he'll go with her but I can't trust her to keep him safe I'm afraid.

I've been in the loo and when I came back the house door was open and shehad gone to 'show' the little one to the neighbours without telling me first. She's tried to pick him up as a newborn being completely drunk (she kept walking up and down the stairs with her newborn niece when drunk, an hour later she passed out with a glass of wine in her hand in front of everybody, including children). She also gets quite aggressive....

Anyways, I'm not going to happen until something bad (or worse) happens

You have made the right decision not to go.

I think your DH at some point needs to tackle the issue and your MIL know that her alcoholism will mean she cannot see her grandson as often. Though it is for him to say not you.

That's such a shame your poor Dh could you go to wedding stay for some photos and toddle off or stay for dinner then leave.?

Just tell him to say your DS doesn't like crowds of people he doesn't know very well and then invite individuals over to see DS at another time, in a calmer environment.

OP what an awful situation to be in. I suspect that if your MiL does behave as you suspect she will then people will work out on their own why you and your son are not there, no matter what reason your DH might give.

Could you say you're away the week before and it would be too much of a rush to get back with DS in tow, so DH will attend but you and DS won't be able to?

Tell them ASAP, as everyone else has said. From your update, I don't think it will come as a surprise to anyone why you don't want your child around an alcoholic grandmother. As much as your dh will want to protect his mother from gossip, all of the family will be very well aware of the situation.

Given that they won't be paying for the 3yp (or not much anyways), I'd try and get him on a sleepover with family/friends and attend just to support dh in managing his mother.

But I can totally understand why you would prefer to stay home with ds instead.

Having a 3 year old is the perfect excuse, my DC were a bit older than that when I didn't take them to a cousin's wedding because it would have been too difficult and no fun for them or me. So just say at 3 years old he will be impossible to control and supervise during the ceremony, the photos, the meal and then you would need to miss the reception to put him to bed and stay with him, SO DH will come on his own and be able to enjoy their whole wedding properly.

Don’t we all have an easy excuse for stuff like this now? A positive flow test...

Just decline politely ASAP, OP. You needn’t give a reason. Many will guess why, but hopefully no one will be crass enough to pump you for information given the sensitivity of the situation. I hope your MiL gets the help she needs eventually, bless her.

And just to add that if MIL pumps your DH then it might wake her up if he is honest with her! I do appreciate he might not want to fall out with his mum but if your children can’t be honest then who can?

OP, I have a 2.5 year old and unless his behaviour changes massively in the next six months, there's no way I'd be taking him to the kind of wedding where we couldn't just take him home at 6 or 7. He'd find it overwhelming, be tanrummy and tired and really struggle with all the demands and attention. I would just tell the B&G that he isn't mature enough yet and he is too mobile to just keep in a buggy and fall asleep and you don't want to interfere with their big day. You can say that you'd hoped when you'd accepted that his behaviour would be improving but it isn't.

OP could you perhaps just say that little one isn’t good with travel at the moment so you and DH have decided not to put him through that? Be very vague… but stick to that line?