It's emotional abuse isn't it?

[LilyGoLightly]

I've posted before and am really grateful for the support. I thought I had got it straight in my head, but seem to be confused all over again.

This is emotional abuse, right?

• Silent treatment (for days for weeks), only ending when I apologise/try to repair things.
• Rarely (basically never) apologising/being accountable
• Blaming me for lots of things (e.g. work stress when it is nothing to do with me)
• Saying I am a bad mum because I had post natal depression (and that he won't ever be able to tell me I am a good mum because of this)
• Leaving the room when I try to talk about things (e.g. how upset I am about him saying I am not a good mum)
• Calling me a bully and an abuser when I try to stand up for myself (although sometimes I have maybe been too pushy and shouted at him out of frustration)
• Saying the only thing he has done wrong is put up with me
• Ignoring me when I try to talk about things that are upsetting me (e.g. my own work, nothing to do with him) because he says he knows how I will react
• Mood swings (often involving the silent treatment or short answers to questions) out of the blue, sometimes with no explanation, and sometimes it later being explained that I did something to upset him

He hadn't spoken to me for a month before calling me an abuser, during which time I saw the solicitor. Being called an abuser myself was too much so he was sent the divorce papers. We are still in the same house though.

Since then, for the last couple of months, he ignored me and wouldn't even acknowledge that I was in the room (even if the children were there).

Now, suddenly he is talking to me - just practical stuff about the kids, which is a huge relief. But its left me confused about whether it really was that bad and whether we could have sorted it out.

Now he is talking to me I asked if he would like to have a conversation about what has been going on (either just with me or with a counsellor there) and he said no.

For some reason I feel so sad and confused again. I wish I hadn't asked.

Just looking for some support really.

Just wanted to say I feel for you! Sorry you are going through this. I went through similar for many years. It is emotional abuse yes and the day I discovered narcissistic abuse was a real thing a light bulb lit up and the fog lifted! Everything then made sense.

Well done for starting divorce proceedings. You need to ask him to move out. Don't be confused. How could you ever live a happy life with a man like this? Be strong. A much, much happier life awaits you and your children. Good luck 🌸

Please read up on covert narcissism. He will only ever escalate his poor treatment of you.
Nobody deserves to be treated with such little respect or ‘asks for it’.

You need to continue on your path through to divorce to a new life. Its of no consequence to your future happiness if he speaks to you civilly or not - he's not a kind and loving person. He's not good for you or your children.

I second the covert narcissist suggestion. Once you are free you will look back and wonder how you put up with it. not to say its your fault, you were probably lulled and manipulated into it to begin with, but then your standards were successively lowered as he started the mind games.

Get out.

Absolutely 100% emotional abuse. Even the part where he’s talking normally to you - all part of the cycle, making sure you never know what’s coming next and doubt your own experience of what it’s like to live with him.

You’re doing the right thing leaving. You can’t really see it until you’re out of it. A few weeks without him messing with your head and you’ll start to feel like your old self again. There will be many tears, that’s part of the process, you’ll remember the good times and doubt your memories of the bad ones, so make sure to keep a note somewhere to remind you - on here is as good as anywhere! - and read it when you wobble.

Thank you all so much. I’m finding it all so hard and your support is really appreciated.

I keep reading about how to communicate in relationships - using ‘I’ statements etc and although I tried so hard I feel like I got so much wrong.

He told me a couple of times that he didn’t love me ‘when I’m like this’ when I had challenged him/was upset and its really got to me.

It definitely sounds emotionally abusive

How quickly can you live separately? Take some steps to move the process along and don’t get distracted because occasionally he isn’t nasty- you know the real him; you’ve seen it. Keep this thread to remind you

This is completely horrendous!!! He shuts you down when you try to have any impact on how he's feeling yet can do/say whatever he likes with impunity. Please get out ❤️

He's horrifically abusive.

No, don't go back.

No, you weren't imagining it.

Saying this is unforgivable: Saying I am a bad mum because I had post natal depression (and that he won't ever be able to tell me I am a good mum because of this)

And shows how stupid he is, how lacking in empathy, how lacking in any sort of mh understanding, how much he hates you.

Will he move out as you get divorced? This must be awful for your dc.

Hang in there.

Definitely get out. You'll look back in time & think wtf did I put up with that?

He has no respect for you and is a coward.
Reads like he wanted the relationship to end but didn’t want to end it himself.
I’m really sorry he has treated you this way.
He definitely sounds abusive

Absolutely emotional abuse and coercive control too - you're not allowed to talk about anything he doesn't like or else you're punished with silent treatment. He is a manipulative arsehole.

Like a PP said, you won't be able to see it properly until he's out the house and you have space to think and breathe, I certainly couldn't. I would get him out as soon as possible, as I imagine he's just sticking around to mess with your head and keep exerting control.

You will feel so much better once you are through the divorce. List all the nice things you'll have when this horrid horrid man is out of your space. You will feel so free. You are doing the right thing.

Something to hold on to OP - you can convince yourself that any of the above “aren’t that bad” or could be partly down to you (I’m not suggesting either of those things are remotely true but that’s how the mind works!) EXCEPT the part where he says you’re a bad mum for having PND and he will never say you’re a good mum. Keep that one front of mind when you need to stay strong. That is abhorrent and there is absolutely no justification for it. @thetinsoldier has it exactly right

@MissingGrandstand

Something to hold on to OP - you can convince yourself that any of the above “aren’t that bad” or could be partly down to you (I’m not suggesting either of those things are remotely true but that’s how the mind works!) EXCEPT the part where he says you’re a bad mum for having PND and he will never say you’re a good mum. Keep that one front of mind when you need to stay strong. That is abhorrent and there is absolutely no justification for it. *@thetinsoldier* has it exactly right

I guess the thing is that I said some awful things at that time - DC was born with a disability and was really unwell when born and has lifelong issues. I said some awful things, like when it was touch and go if he would live, that it would be better if he didn't. I was really struggling (I was suicidal basically) and not coping and absolutely not myself. But that doesn't make it ok, so I guess I can understand why he might feel like that.

I worked really hard on getting better and love DC so much now though. I just wish I could go back in time and cope better.

@LilyGoLightly, any one of the things you list in your OP would be enough to end a relationship.

Don't beat yourself up over things you may or may not have done.

I'm so sorry your going through this!

I'm currently in a refuge after fleeing a similar situation.

It took months of me googling his behaviour, asking people on here and being told by professionals what was happening to me before I decided to leave.

The minute he realised I knew... well it got worse

It very scary when you realise and the penny drops and you question is it really that bad, can things get better, is it me?

My bed advise is call the National abuse helpline, or fill out the web enquiry form and ask them is this emotional abuse?

There is out reach support available to you. These support workers are refuge based but meet for coffee or a walk or just email and phone support whatever you chose, but they'll help you!

Be proud of yourself for questioning this, it took me so long and I'm utterly broken right now trying to pick up myself & my life again.

Remember the problem isn't you!
You are worth so much more

@LilyGoLightly I can totally see why you would feel that way, but PND is an illness. Regardless of what you said, he has absolutely no right to tell you you will never be a good mother. The fact that you have worked so hard for your son is demonstrable proof that you ARE a good mother (and even if you still had PND and felt that way that doesn’t make you a bad mother!)

People on here can be very quick to describe things as abusive but for him to say he will never be able to tell you you’re a good mother is completely foul, it’s basically saying you can try forever and never get his approval. You are being so brave and you deserve happiness, please remember that

Thanks everyone. It has really helped getting this out and getting your support.

I don’t think anyone would call this a healthy happy relationship. Yes emotional abuse and I relationship I can’t imagine anyone would want to be in unless they had literally no where else to go.