SIL - what do you think?

[Viggoswife]

My SIL has been involved with a married man with children for the past three years. His wife left him, nothing to do with the affair and has now met someone else.

SIL spends almost every conversation we have telling me what a cow this woman is and how SIL's BF is now divorcing his wife for adultery as she is with someone else - this in spite of him having had an affair with SIL for three years, this does not seem to matter. Also ex wife is a cow because she will not allow her DC to meet SIL. Obviously she does not know that SIL and her ex husband have been an item for three years so thinks that SIL is new on the scene.

TBH I am getting really upset about listening to this. DH cheated on me a while ago and I feel more for the wife than I do for SIL even though we have till now always got on very well. I also have DC and know that I would be very strict about making sure that DH was not just introducing them to any woman he happened to be seeing. In short my sympathies are with the wife even though I don t know her.

SIL is supposed to be coming for Christmas and I know I will find it hard to keep my patience and not tell her what I think. Had a discussion with DH about it last night and it ended in a row with him accusing me of trying to come between him and his sister and basically him insulting every aspect of my appearance and personality because I wouldnt back down.

Am now dreading Christmas because it will be him and his sister and this has really created bad feelings. I don t suppose anyone can give much advice but I just wanted some opinions. Thanks.

change the subject when it comes up and try not to think about it these things are always complex and its best to keep off the discussion

IMO, your DH is reacting to you from a guilty perspective due to his own infidelity.

the situation with SIL is stirring up all sorts of emotions for you both i expect.

does SIL know about your DH's cheating? if so then she is being incredibly insensitive.

is there some way you can tell your SIL that you don't really want to hear it or discuss it?

for the sake of a peaceful xmas with your DH i'd try to speak to him calmly about it. let him know you're entitled to your opinion wrt to SIL's behaviour and that you don't appreciate his insulting you when you express that opinion.

really hope things smooth over, if only for a pleasant xmas. you can work out how you're going to handle it longterm after Tuesday!

good luck

Thanks. She does know about DH cheating and I suppose that is another reason why she is pi*sing me off so much. His Parents and other siblings also know about DH and what he got up to so listening them going on about SIL and her "relationship" has been quite painful, although I have tried to be supportive to her when she was hurting over it. No one really seems to take cheating when married that seriously in DH's family. Apparently it seems I am supposed to witness all this and provide a sympathetic ear to my SIL and not actually have any feelings about it myself. They are quite a close family and I often feel that my DH and they feel that I should be seen and not heard. Two christmases ago my FIL attacked DH (not for the first time) in front of my DS, who was two at the time. Luckily he did not really understand what was going on but DH gets angry if I talk about this incident and this again will end in insults and bringing my family and how crap they are into things. They can be crap true, but they don t physically attack each other and have affairs (as far as I am aware).

Good advice to wait until after Christmas. I have been so excited about it. But I know if she brings the subject of her BF's wife up I will lose my temper. My DH tells me I am two faced for listening to her and saying nothing but I have said some stuff but it just seems to roll off her.

Can you practise saying 'Do you mind if we don't talk about that right now?' with a (false) smile on your face? Try it 100 times before they arrive so you can do it without having to make an effort...