Page 2 | Anyone just get so fed up with dating?

billiebash · 2022-01-06T00:38:30+00:00

Pointless moaning thread, but just putting it out there. I have been single for 4 years now. A lot of that has been because I've needed to work on myself, and about 18m ago I'd say I had got to the point where i was happy in my own company, and in a position where a man would only add to my life and not be the be all. I'd like to think I'm still at that place but yet I'm still so fed up. Every time I meet someone, I don't get excited, I keep my eyes open for red flags. I like to think I have the confidence to know that it isn't about me if a man treats me badly or disappears. But it's just starting to grind me down. I look around at people I know and they're all in and out of relationships and I just don't understand why I'm never that big a deal to the men I meet that it never gets to that point. Almost like I'm the girl men love to message, date, meet with, but as soon as it could go the extra mile to anything more serious it's just not enough. I wish I knew why. I'm ok on my own, but it does get to me - it would be nice to have the option! Just a bit of midnight overthinking after another setback. Sometimes it's nice to write it down and hear from anyone in a similar place. Apologies if my whinging has put you off your midnight snack 😂

bathsh3ba · 07/01/2022 09:58

I met my current boyfriend online after having felt much the same. I'd been single for 7 years and never met anyone who was willing to commit. We will have been dating 3 months on Monday and honestly I've never been treated this well. We are taking it slowly but I'm very happy. There has been no waiting around or wondering with him, I've never been left wondering when the next date would be and he asked me to be exclusive on the second date. There has been no pressure, he cares about my feelings, accepts my baggage. Of course there are no guarantees it will last long-term but right now it's good.

My advice would be to have your boundaries rock-solid on what REALLY matters to you and be open-minded about the rest. For me the non-negotiables were that he was a practising Christian, he was divorced or had never been married (not separated), that he wanted to get married again at some point and that he would respect that I don't have sex outside of marriage. And of course that he treated me well. You would think a man like that is pretty hard to find ... and he is, but I did find him.

A good friend gave me the advice that, if you really want a relationship, give any guy with no red flags three dates. By the end of the third date, if you're unsure, move on. This worked for me as I was unsure about my boyfriend after the first date but by the third date I was smitten - it just took time to get to know him. If I had dismissed him on the basis of something superficial or there not being instant fireworks, I would have missed out on this ... and there are definitely fireworks now.

I do think we can have a tendency to see red flags where there aren't always red flags and to dismiss people too soon, so maybe this will help someone, who knows.

crackofdoom · 07/01/2022 11:44

I feel exactly the same. 47, and I've been single about 5 years, been dating again for about 3. I'm currently just actively looking for FWBs and seeing where that could potentially lead, but even finding a decent, reliable, sexy FWB isn't easy- and that's knowing that women are massively outnumbered by men on the apps I use.

I wish I could get to a place where I could, genuinely, be happy single and not need anyone, because I feel exhausted and a bit damaged by it all. (The damage is really because recently I found someone I really, REALLY liked and clicked with- he was happy to chat chat chat endlessly for months, but we only rarely met up (and never slept with each other) and now he appears to have ghosted me. To me, he seemed genuinely special, and it hurts that I wasn't, in turn, special to him ).

CailleachGranda · 07/01/2022 12:51

I'm a similar age OP and have resigned myself to being single and trying to embrace all the positives

I can't even manage to meet anyone for sex, let alone a relationship

I am working really, really hard on jealousy of other couples and why I can't meet anyone

But hey, being single has its plus points. (I would kill for a cuddle though)

PaganQueen · 07/01/2022 14:35

I do think though that you're only well and truly healed if you don't actively want a relationship. It's only then that you are happy in yourself. I have also been single for a few years and it's only now that my life is beautiful without a relationship that I think I might be ready for one if someone happened to pop up out of the woodwork.

But if it doesn't, I know I am very content and have a great life anyway. It might make me a bit wistful sometimes but that's about it.

This is how it was for me anyway, recognise we are all different :)

I would like a relationship though- it's just not high up enough on my list of priorities to make me unhappy if it doesn't happen (it comes after ticking stuff off my list like embracing cold water swimming, learning to meditate, and decluttering the garage or getting my skin into better shape )

I know that wanting a relationship is a basic human need and that there is nothing wrong with wanting to have someone emotionally and physically close. It's a natural human instinct. But the unfulfilled wanting of a relationship was what made me miserable before, not the fact that I didn't actually have one. I addressed the "wanting" by doing stuff I really loved and found that I made myself whole without needing someone else and it's such a delight. It's a win-win situation. I stopped being miserable because of lack of a relationship AND had so much more fun in the process. I focused on making myself happy instead of searching for a relationship and the by product was that the lack of a relationship ceased to bother me as everything else was so lovely that it didn't matter. (And this is from someone who is a serial monogamist, married for 20 years and barely single before that).

This might all be a bit inarticulate but hope it comes across as supportive as that's how it's meant to be.

Good luck in finding the happiness in life though, with our without a relationship.

PaganQueen · 07/01/2022 14:37

Obviously I was married for 20 years- exh would be shocked to learn otherwise!

CailleachGranda · 07/01/2022 17:04

@PaganQueen

I do think though that you're only well and truly healed if you don't actively want a relationship. It's only then that you are happy in yourself. I have also been single for a few years and it's only now that my life is beautiful without a relationship that I think I might be ready for one if someone happened to pop up out of the woodwork.

But if it doesn't, I know I am very content and have a great life anyway. It might make me a bit wistful sometimes but that's about it.

This is how it was for me anyway, recognise we are all different :)

I would like a relationship though- it's just not high up enough on my list of priorities to make me unhappy if it doesn't happen (it comes after ticking stuff off my list like embracing cold water swimming, learning to meditate, and decluttering the garage or getting my skin into better shape )

I know that wanting a relationship is a basic human need and that there is nothing wrong with wanting to have someone emotionally and physically close. It's a natural human instinct. But the unfulfilled wanting of a relationship was what made me miserable before, not the fact that I didn't actually have one. I addressed the "wanting" by doing stuff I really loved and found that I made myself whole without needing someone else and it's such a delight. It's a win-win situation. I stopped being miserable because of lack of a relationship AND had so much more fun in the process. I focused on making myself happy instead of searching for a relationship and the by product was that the lack of a relationship ceased to bother me as everything else was so lovely that it didn't matter. (And this is from someone who is a serial monogamist, married for 20 years and barely single before that).

This might all be a bit inarticulate but hope it comes across as supportive as that's how it's meant to be.

Good luck in finding the happiness in life though, with our without a relationship.

Great post

What I aspire to