Best friend slept with ex

[Janeheap]

I broke up with my ex fiancé almost a month ago now after we were together for 7 years. Earlier today he emailed my best friend asking him to give her a call. She phoned me up, told me about the email and confessed to me that before me and him got together, she had been sleeping with him for a month. She said they both agreed when me and him got together that they wouldn’t tell me. Although I have no romantic feelings towards this man anymore, it’s still hurt me that they both kept it secret for 7 years. Now I feel like I’ve had my best friends sloppy seconds. I feel sick just thinking about it. Should I have had a right to have known from the start?

Euurrkk, they should have told you. Sloppy seconds is grim

Sloppy seconds! Grow up, it was before you were in a relationship.

I'm confused on gender.
You've found out your bff had slept with your ex fiancé? Is bff female? (Ex bff)

Sloppy seconds? Seriously?
Were you a virgin when you got together with him?

They hooked up a few times long time ago before you got together. I presume you are all quite young. I am guessing he actually always liked you, but before he got your attention, he just had sex opportunistically.
You had a relationship with him that actually lasted. All that really counts.

Your friend should have possibly told you back then, but who knows why she didn’t.
It does seem that she is now more grownup and that is why she told you.

There is so much that is off about this..

You were with him for 7 years, been separated a month and you have absolutely no romantic feelings for him?

Why did your friend tell you?

It was before you got together so dosent really matter, if you had been together 7 years and then a month after your best friend slept with him then that would be quite a shitty thing to have done to you and I'd be questioning the friendship going forward

I wouldn’t be mad as it was before - if it was after you broke up that wouldn’t be a different story.

Did he have a right to know who you had sex with before you started seeing him, or does it only work the other way around?

So they stopped their 'relationship' and you started dating, how did she meet him, and did you meet him through her?
Agree the term sloppy seconds is childish and grim!

Why is it only sloppy seconds if you know the person they slept with before? Was he not sloppy seconds to whoever you were seeing before? They should have told you but I guess they thought they doing the right thing (although it was misguided).

Well unless you only date virgins you'll probably be getting so done else's sloppy seconds regardless who you go out with.

I would feel weird about this too OP. I wouldn't feel like he was 'sloppy seconds' though, I can't exactly put my finger on why I would feel strange about it.

Ordinarily I agree with PPs that you have no right to ask someone to disclose their sexual history, but I suppose I just can't imagine my best friend introducing a new boyfriend, realising I'd shagged him, and not saying anything. I'd feel icky about starting a relationship with someone who had slept with one of my very close friends, but only the ones who I'm so close with that they feel like family.

Also, why has your friend only told you about it now? I reckon either say right at the start or keep quiet, I can't see what the point was in suddenly revealing this information.

Perhaps there may have been a bit of a crossover time when he slept with you both. Maybe your friend felt guilty and now your single revealed it to unburden herself.
Personally I don't think its helpful to tell you now, should've told you 7 years ago.

I don’t see it as a major deal to be honest. She probably thought keeping it from you was for the best. I wouldn’t let a friendship go over this. A lot of my friendship group married people from school etc so there was definitely some shenanigans going on between members of this group before they married others in the group. We all know it but it’s never mentioned. One of my friends husbands has definitely slept with two of the others when younger !

@Monty27

I'm confused on gender.
You've found out your bff had slept with your ex fiancé? Is bff female? (Ex bff)

It shouldn't matter what gender but I don't think OP could have been clearer. She refers to her 'Best friend' as she and her ex as he. How is that difficult

Oh. The the bff? That was you!

I understand how you feel. You may have worded it wrong, now everyone is jumping on the ‘sloppy seconds’ I wouldn’t be impressed if my fiancé had slept with my best friend either and never mentioned it.
Other women previously that I have nothing to do with fair enough, I don’t need to know.
I think you are a bit shocked and don’t really know how to feel yet. It’s probably made you question your friendship?

Is he trying to hook up with her again? is that why she told you?

It was before you got together so it doesn't really matter but I'd have like to know - and would definitely avoided a man who'd slept with my friend...

You have to think about why she didn't tell you then and why she is telling you now.

My take on it would be that then it was none of your business and it was her private history. She's been a good friend, never been untoward and there's been nothing between them.
Now there might be and before she even goes on a date she let's you know and wants to reassure you that this happened back then. Wants to tell you herself so you don't find out some other way and jump yo the wrong conclusion.
She seems a good sort tbh

Well actually if it they were my BFF before you got together I would have expected to have been told and to not tell you for 7 years is definitely off, your BFF is supposed to tell you these things people getting worked up about the term sloppy seconds it's just a phrase and I get what you mean op. Of course it would not have mattered if they slept together before you knew him but what matters is the fact it was only a month before you got together and they never told you I wouldn't appreciate that from a so called friend it would make me wonder what else they had hidden from me.