Meet the Other Phone. A phone that grows with your child.

Meet the Other Phone.
A phone that grows with your child.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Relationship help

11 replies

ANON2ANON4ANON7 · 05/01/2022 21:18

Hi,
Really after some sort of advice. I've been feeling lost now for a while in regards to my relationship. We've been together for 7 years and have one child together. The first two years were fine but a few months after my child was born I found out he had cheated on my the year before. The messages were of him showing off to his mate saying he slept with her, rating it out of 10 etc. He swears blind to this day he didn't sleep with her just kissed her but I feel like he did. The problems began there as there was literally 0 trust. We broke up for around 3 months before getting back together again. He smoked weed and I asked him to stop multiple times whilst pregnant to which he said he had (then found out he hadn't) this sharade went on for literal YEARS. It only just stopped last year. So continous lies there making me feel crazy even though i knew he had done it but swears blind he hasn't to the point I question what I know. Anyways, fast forward through years of me trying to get him to stop smoking weed to find a decent job etc. (Btw I just want to say i have nothing against people who smoke weed but in this personal situation it was costing a fortune and he didn't have a job that could support both habit and family.) So anyways we split up for what I believed to be the final time I was literally so sick of the same shit day in day out. We were broken up around 3 months. I began to see someone else and he found out and made me feel like literal shit for it because it had been so soon after the break up. I then find out he slept with some girl anyway and LIED again about it. Anyways all comes clear and he threatens to expose a secret about me then he threatens to kill himself etc. So I said ok just get the decent job stop smoking weed and we will go from there. So he gets the decent job the job requires drug testinh so fairly certain he did stop but not 100 percent as still exhibitted shady behaviour. By this point I was not 100 percent into the relationship like even though he had done it all finally it just felt like too little too late but I muddled on anyway because I think it was worth a shot for the sake of child. He has quit this job last month. Shady with the phone literally freaked out because I went on it so Im fairly certain hes up to no good god knows what weed again probably. But I just feel like I just don't like him anymore and haven't for a while. 9 times out of 10 he repulses me. I'm not even sure why I'm with him. I thought I'd managed to get rid of him the other week but he comes back and acts as if everything is normal/okay. I feel like the only way I'm going to be able to get rid of him is to have a full on screaming match which i really can not be bothered with!! I don't know... family tell me that I should be grateful hes a nice boy and stay with him because its hard to find decent men and ones you can mould from being young etc. That i shouldnt let another girl reap the rewards of what ive done for him e.g. driving and up to press good job. Part of me thinks maybe they are right I mesn i really wouldnt want to go from bad to worse. He's not bad as such never hit me and we can get on fine but Im bored of what he has to say as well. I just keep thinking about those three months last year having my own space my own mess to clean up. A guarenteed break night each week (bad mum alert I know). My own space. I don't know what I'm even asking here I'm just really unhappy at the moment and needed to get it off my chest :(

OP posts:
ANON2ANON4ANON7 · 05/01/2022 21:24

Forgot to add as well whenever I mention breaking up he says I must be cheating on him otherwise I wouldn't want to which also puts me off because he will go round telling everyone that even though it isn't true :/

OP posts:
Pinkbonbon · 05/01/2022 21:27

Umm, your boyfriend is a nasty, mind fucking piece of shit. And if your family know the truth and are still encouraging you to stay with him then they are probably the reason you are dating assholes like him in the first place.

Get rid of him. And anyone who tells you you are wrong for getting rid of the abusive bastard- cut them from your life too.

Do the freedom programme online so that you never pick a nasty partner ever again.

Give yourself permission to leave people who treat you like shit. You don't need anyone else's permission.

If he threatens suicide (a common abuser tactic) then you simply let the police/ambulance serviced know what he told you and let them choose what to do.

Delete and block though op, as he is obviously whars known as an emotional terrorist.

Read up on aspects of abuse such as 'hoovering' and the narcissist smear campaign. Prepare yourself to spot this shit in future.

Run. Don't walk. Run.

Pinkbonbon · 05/01/2022 21:29

@ANON2ANON4ANON7

Forgot to add as well whenever I mention breaking up he says I must be cheating on him otherwise I wouldn't want to which also puts me off because he will go round telling everyone that even though it isn't true :/
That, coincidently is a perfect example of the narcissists smear campaign. Making you out to be bad or crazy to others.

You are dating a very abusive man. Get out.

Fuckmyliferightnow · 05/01/2022 21:34

Please leave asap and for good!

LassoOfTruth · 05/01/2022 21:38

OP you and your child 100% deserve better than this horrible useless git. Run, don’t look back, and enjoy your life x

ANON2ANON4ANON7 · 05/01/2022 21:51

He's the only person I've ever dated baring the starting to see someone last year but ended quickly. Been with him since 16. I read that article and to be honest a lot of the stuff on there he did when we were broken up like ringing me with daughter crying in the background saying she wouldn't sleep because she wanted daddy to come home :/ Just really don't know how to tackle leaving him... is the gray rock thing something you do on the lead up to breaking up?

OP posts:
Pinkbonbon · 05/01/2022 22:00

No, you get out and then you grey rock. Well, tbf it might come in useful short term before you leave.
The thing with grey rock though is that they will cotton on eventually and then jf you stay around them for more than short burst of time, they will find a way to keep pushing until you snap. So ideally, you just don't see them anymore.
But if you have a kid and have to speak at handovers then grey rock is your best bet.

What is the living situation? Shared house? Bought?

ANON2ANON4ANON7 · 05/01/2022 22:03

Oh I see, thank you. Everything is in my name due to the cheating and having 0 trust so no concerns with any hold on that

OP posts:
Pinkbonbon · 05/01/2022 22:11

That's fantastic news about the house. Once he is gone, change the locks ASAP. Never let him into your home again. Do any drop off and pick ups of the child in a public place.

Of course, getting him out in the first place might be the hardest. I suspect he will put up a fuss. Is there anyone who can be rhere when you tell him to leave. Someone who will support you?

Or perhaps if you know there is a day when he will be gone a while then you could change the locks then, and drop his stuff round at his parents? Then message and tell him it's over and his stuff is with his family).

Then just block him on everything except one phone (maybe a burner phone. And just be like 'this is my new number. From now on I will only respond regarding childcre issues') and only check that once per day. And don't respond to anything that's none of his buisness. There are also parenting apps that allow you to communicate through those.

iloveorange · 05/01/2022 22:29

Agree with what others said: he cheats, he lies, he threatens you and he accuses you of things you haven't done. Sure, maybe he doesn't hit you, but that's setting the bar very low! There are much, much, much better men out there, I assure you.

Get out ASAP

CrumpetswithMarmite · 05/01/2022 23:25

He's continuously manipulating you. Agree with pp- you need to get out of this asap. He will use every tactic in the book to make you feel bad but you shouldn't.

Set yourself a 'get out' plan and prepare yourself for what he might try. There's lots of good advice on narcissist behaviours that could be useful, worth looking up on YouTube to help educate yourself on tactics abusers use. Not everything will apply but I'm sure some things will resonate.

You and your little one deserve so much better.

New posts on this thread. Refresh page