Oh & dd - strained relationship

[Ownerofkids]

Oh & our dd 6
Have a love/ hate relationship
Dd is v sensitive, oh can be too full on wanting a hug ect which dd hates
It has to be on her terms.
After school oh asked her if she had a good day she sat ignoring him
Later on he came into the room eating a snack, dd asked him whst it was and went over wanting a bite smiling.
Oh said oh no you ignored me before so no
She walked away head down and went silent.
He must have felt guilty so called her over but she ignored him so he ate it all shes been quiet ever since
How do I approach this without him thinking im always playing good cop as he says..

If she was ignoring him and you saw, did neither of you tell her its rude to ignore people?

She is 6 not an adult or even a teenager but a 6 year old.

How he is treating her is awful - and the fact is he wants a hug and she doesnt that SHOULD be on her terms. It is her boundaries.

He needs to understand and respect that first off she is a person who has the rights to say no but that also she is 6

Your oh sounds like an arse, she’s 6 for godsakes. Tell him to grow the fuck up and parent and stop with the mind games. What parent behaves this way, Jesus Christ he needs to get a grip.

Is he her father?

One of my DD's doesn't like hugs particularly. Obviously it's not a good message to teach a child that they should feel obligated to give hugs when they don't want to.

It's hard to know with the asking him for a bite of his snack thing as presumably he was joking around with her and she's taken it the wrong way. And he's right really. You can't just ignore a person and then when they have something you want start speaking to them again. She's not a cat.

Yes i do tell her its rude we both do
On the otner hand it’s usually best to leave her she can be shy/ anxious/ sensitive so I usually follow her lead in terms of affection and that works so ive been trying to explain this to him but he thinks im having a go at him

She is his child

It sounds as though he struggles with her personality, she's not what he expected in a little girl - he probably thought he'd be the adored Daddy and be able to cuddle her whenever he wanted affection, and she's just not built that way. I can have some sympathy with that.

The bottom line is though that he's the adult, so he needs to get his head around the fact that she is who she is, she has different boundaries from him and that's her right. He will end up losing her if he doesn't start making an effort to relate to the daughter he has, rather than the one he expected.

He sounds like an arse. I work in a school. She is 6. She is doing what lots of children do after school- decompress and need quiet. It’s quite possible she might not even had registered what he said.

Regarding the hugs, no child should be forced to give hugs. Ever. Her body, her autonomy, her right. She may she shy, she may be uncomfortable, but either way your OH is not making that better.

The walking away with the head down, and silent- that is how shame and sadness presents in a child.

If he is her dad he needs to grow the fuck up and quickly and you need to tell him so. It’s not good cop, bad cop, it’s bad parenting/control towards a small child, and if he is not her dad then you need to have a very frank discussion about boundaries, respect and making your child uncomfortable in her own home. Good cop/bad cop my arse. He’s controlling the situation- her emotions, affection, demand of time. She is 6. Just 6 and as you say is shy/anxious/sensitive.

This behavior is very typical for teenage girls, but your daughter is a little too young. I wonder if you can get her to talk to a councilor. You never know what may be behind this. Definitely ask your husband not to push it and to respect her boundaries.

He sounds like a very immature arse.

I would be concerned about your daughters sensitivity and how affected she is his being so immature.

She needs emotional security and support, not a father who behaves like a 5 year old.

I would speak to your GP for advice.

His behaviour needs addressing from you privately as he could be creating future emotional problems for your child by his idiot behaviour.

I have noticed a few saying see someone for my child is that necessary and what could it mean or what could the outcome be?
It’s not crossed my mind i just thought it was her personality

OP, you write that your daughter only hugs on her terms?

Whose terms should she hug on?

Her fathers?

Of course she should only hug when and who she wants.

This is really basic.

Your husband is an issue here.

Speak to your GP and ask for advice.

If he doesn't grow the hell up and start behaving like an emotionally intelligent adult who respects his child, you are likely in for an escalation of issues with your child.

Start doing research on sensitive children and how to help them.

I would think from the way your husband behaves, she feels unsafe emotionally with him.

His juvenile petulance has registered with her and she is rightly wary of him.

She is a child, he is the adult, but from your description of how he behaves, you'd never know it.

Start focusing on the damage HIS behaviour is doing to your child.

Hi op, I think firstly yes, she needs to have it explained calmly that ignoring people is rude, so although it wasn't the best reaction I can see why her dad tried to get the point across that way. I'm guessing people may be thinking something along the autism spectrum with not liking being hugged. However it's also quite a large leap. My daughter doesn't like being hugged, can't stand lots of noise around her, and also needs time to herself, she has been diagnosed with ADHD and Social Communication Disorder (a form.of autism). However, it may just be that your daughter is just a tad sensitive and maybe feeling a bit anxious at the moment, which seems to be a stage a lot of girls go through. Difficult to say if there's any more to it than just that. Maybe try and explain to dad when you're both calm, and along the lines of 'I've found such and such works with her' rather than accusing him of handling it wrong?

She's 6.

He needs parenting classes.

THe problem is it is hard to separate out what could be her personality and what is your OH overruling her boundaries to the point she doesnt like it.

First off he needs parenting classes and how to respect her boundaries.

You need to reinforce that she shouldnt ignore him

She's a 6 year old child, not his performing seal.

He's childish and manipulative.

He is the one who needs parenting classes and now.
He doesn't seem like the type who would do it though.

He has to realise that she is her own person and not just an extension of himself.

Nobody should be forced or pestered for hugs.

She came home from school and probably wanted alone time to decompress. Instead of seeing this, he took it as a personal slight towards him and when she went to him, he was petty and revengeful.

Yes, he really does have issues.

Thank you everyone I really appreciate this i will lookk into all what everyone has said
I have explained things to him but it doesn’t sink in..
mostly he thinks im nit picking at him.
she is stubborn in her ways school have mentioned this too, she doesn’t like to be told what to do,
She does come to me for a cuddle now & again, but idont harrass her for cuddles or tickle her etc… where as he does and she storms off then he takes it personal.
I will look into autism although i dont think its that
My other child is currently waiting on adhd/ asd assessment but hes the opposite and will let dh hug him tickle kiss him etc…

Sounds like she gets that from her father OP

I am very sorry, and please do not be offended, but I actually thought that, and I am sure this is not the case, he may have been inappropriate with her or something. That is why I suggested to take her to a counselor. You can never be to cautious. While she may not want to say anything to you, she may be willing to tell another adult.

Your boyfriend needs to take parenting classes. He needs to educate himself on teaching his kid about consent. At the minute you’re both teaching your child that you let a man touch you in a way you said no to, and if you don’t, the man will punish you and emotionally abuse you.
Also, no one enjoys being tickled, it’s horrible and induces panic/fight or flight in most people.
‘Love hate relationship’, ffs, no. Safeguard your child, advocate for her, step up.

@AlDanvers

If she was ignoring him and you saw, did neither of you tell her its rude to ignore people?

This.

There are two separate issues here and should be discussed separately.

The hugs issue, they should always be on her terms or on both people terms. No one should be forced to hug someone if they don’t want to or tickled.

The ignoring issue, I don’t see he was wrong actually. She can’t ignore him and then expect to be included because he’s got something she wants. I don’t expect an in-depth conversation after school, I always ask about the day, some days I get a blow by blow account of the day other days I get the answer “things”. Fine by me, he has the option of offloading but I don’t accept ignoring.

So he "harrasses her for cuddles or tickles her" which leads to her storming off and him sulking?

This is REALLY not ok. He needs to stop that. No more tickles, no more demanding hugs - he can OFFER her a hug, but should not be making her feel in anyway bad if she doesn't want physical contact. He needs to step back a lot and start responding to her cues.

@Testingprof, whilst I would definitely agree with you on the manners part of ignoring her father normally, I wonder is her behaviour towards him a protection and reflection of his behaviour towards her.

She is powerless in how she can register her objection to how he behaves, ignoring him is one of her few tools.

I think the OP has been honest, her husband irritates the child.

This is unusual IMO.
My two girls adore their father and he them.
My youngest is NT but wouldn't be a huge hugger, likes and needs to decompress quietly after school, likes some peace after a busy social/sports whirl.

I consider all of the above self care and applaud it.
I probably apply the same self care myself.

She's only 6 and is learning to self regulate.

I think tickling is awful and a terrible thing to do to a child that rejects it.

Thanks and do not apologise I appreciate input @freeatlast2021 and everyone else

I just didn’t even envisage that I don’t believe for one second he has
I also don’t think she would talk to a councillor
She hates attention on her and is more shy around strangers

Oh @billy1966 I whole heartedly agree with the tickling etc… but not the ignoring especially as she then comes to him when he has something desirable.