Have I shot myself in the foot?!

[Sunnygardens22]

Hi
i have been married for 7 years and we have two DD under 6.

I have kinda always fallen into the traditional home-maker role even when i am working full time or part time. My mother did it so i just did it too.. Working, cooking, cleaning & sorting the kids. I think i have always been this way and just done everything to people please and not put others out.
Well now we all have covid and amazingly everyone else is pretty much on the mend except me!
I am full struggling to get better but I am still running round tending to everyone, cooking, doing laundry. I thought to myself - I am such a mug, how did i ever let it get to the point where i'm struggling so much that he doesn't even offer to help me?!

His symptoms are shockingly mild.. he can see that i am drained but still nothing.

He just sits there until i prompt him to - " do bathtime please" for example.

Its beyond me.. i am always offering to help anyone whenever. I know its my own fault..still frustrating and hurtful.

If there are any people-pleasers out there.. stop and put boundaries in place to help yourself in the long run. x

Take yourself off to bed, and don't get up in the morning because you're so ill and see what happens.

It's not your fault. You've only been able to do everything because he hasn't pulled his weight in the past.

@Justkeeppedaling i am going to do this and see what happens. Usually i just cave and sort the morning routine as he will literally just wait it out until the kids are climbing the walls. He isn't a morning person at all.

@girlmom21 i do think you are right.... but i feel like if i hadn't maybe done so much in the beginning to prove that i can "do it all" i wouldn't be struggling now.

I am sorry you feel so poorly, I have just found out I am positive with it so know how draining it can be. You admit you have done everything so you have unwittingly enabled your husbands behaviour of sitting there doing nothing as you have happily done everything. Now, here's the thing....you now see it is not a good balance...well done for now noticing it. You are run by previous female modelling in your mothers behaviour and you have just moulded your life around how you see a woman should be. You have every right to change this, It will not be easy putting your foot down and put boundaries in place. You need to have a really good conversation with your husband about what you want him to do from now on in very simple language. Unfortunately you will have to keep prompting him to keep up with the chores as he has to change the way he lives within the household now. The challenge for you is to keep going with the prompting until it becomes a normality for him to help without you telling him. You are not a mug....you just fitted in to what you considered was a good wife and mother should do despite working your butt off as well outside the house. You will be a mug if this is not tackled now as soon your children will grow up, see Daddy just sits there as mummy is the house skivvy, cook, cleaner and organiser and they do like their daddy does....nothing. So, time to act OP, its never too late. Now, drop all tools now, run a bath, grab a G and T and tell your husband you are doing nothing for the next 48 hours but resting and getting better.

No advice but solidarity - I was ill for the first time in years a few weeks ago, and I mean proper needed to stay in bed all day ill. He came in to see if I needed anything then rubbed his eyes and said ‘I feel broken I’m so tired’. I ended up getting out of bed and just ploughing through the day nearly in tears the whole time at how bad I felt.

One day in god knows how long is all I wanted. He apologised and said he felt dreadful but I said the damage was done, how could I lie in bed knowing he was ‘broken’.

If I get to have this life again I swear I’m staying single.

Hope you feel better soon op

You go rest up you’re not well.

Hope you feel better soon.

As I imagine DH will be useless compared to you, you may wish to leave brief instructions.

And the moral of the story is that he needs to pull his weight. You can’t be all things to all people.

@litterbird thanks for your words. I am tearing up because I know the balance is so off and I have completely modelled my mother who I imagine was kicking herself too. I always felt because he was the bread winner and works incredibly hard that i just need to manage. Thanks for this i will definitely need to start toughening up.

@Coriandersucks and this is what we do plough ahead, breaking our backs for peace and so things are done properly.

I am glad you got an apology & thank you for the well wishes

@Elieza very true and I think I am done trying to be all things to all people.

Last year I was very poorly for a couple of months and couldn't get out of bed. My husband did everything in the house for me and the kids whilst working too.

So just go to bed and stay there until you feel better. He will have no choice but to get in with it.

I've noticed that with the vast majority of men in serious relationships, if you give them an inch, they'll take a mile. Who knows why, when they can see their other half getting more and more exhausted and doing more and more?

Because it's easier for them if ¬you^ do it. 'It' being the housework, cooking, laundry, childcare, whatever. And I don't know why so many men are willing to let women take the brunt and make themselves exhausted. But they do!

So instead, op, you say to him, I'm having a break, I'm sick. Because he will never tell you to go rest.

Argh, font fail.

Easier for HIM if YOU do it.

Yes take your self out the equation and rest up.

It doesn't matter whose fault it is, all that matters is that things change so start by going back to bed.

Stay there until you are better and when you're up and about have a good talk about fairer division of chores.

There was an excellent tip on here to pin to the fridge door a list of all the household jobs that need doing on a daily, weekly and monthly basis. That gives everyone in the family the chance to see exactly how much needs doing to keep their lives and comforts ticking over and that it is only fair and reasonable that they do their share.
You can allocate each family member their tasks which they have to initial when done or do a rotation so that one person doesn't get permanently lumbered with icky jobs. That way there is none of this, "Oh you should have said xyz needed doing" crap which is so infuriating. You might be able to google a few more useful hints and tips on how to make this work as few of us are blessed with DHs and kids who will greet this plan with shrieks of joy and enthusiasm that finally they can see what they need to do to "help" mum with "her" domestic chores .
Get yourself back to bed and start creating that list.

Just go to bed.
Tell him you are off line for at least 24 hours and then you will reassess how you feel.
A tip I tell my patients, if you are up and dressed, it is assumed that you are back to full capacity, if you stay in PJ’s, it is a visual cue that you are not back to normal.
Take care ☕️🍰

Spend the next 3 days in bed. Ask him to make you cups of tea, breakfast, dinner and tea. Ask him for clean clothes. MAKE him either up his game or he'll make an idiot of himself. When you are better have a sit down and divvy up the tasks

I would also happily add in emotional blackmail (baby blackmail)

"I've been thinking it's not a good example for the kids to see me doing all the housework. The cost of living is so high nowadays it's more than likely when they are adults, if, when they live with someone, they will be expected to work and share housework because housework is just as important as salary. We need to start setting a better examples. I need to be more assertive in my job/career/finances and you need to do more around the house" etc etc

It doesn't have to be everything 50/50 a natural split is usual. You need to find that split on your own.

Hope u stayed in bed this morning!!

Hi all

thanks for all of the messages. I did get up and make the DDs breakfast while i sorted a hot drink for myself and then i swiftly went back to bed for the whole morning (Small win) :)

His symptoms have flared up a bit so he went to rest after i came down after lunch. The house was a tip but the kids were dressed - is that a win too?!

We will definitely be discussing how we go forward. I don't I can do another 10, 20 years running around like a mad person on my own. (very ill or not) .

Yes he works very hard but i feel like i do my fair share even though you cannot put a distinct label on it.

Shame that i don't even remember when the shift happened.

His symptoms flared up. Oh really. I think you’ll find his lazybastarditis was what flared up when he realised he may actually have to do some housework and. childcare!

I agree with frozendaisy above that you could use the kids as an excuse to force change.

You will probably find he’s deliberately shit and useless at most things to try and make you give up on your plan to make him do stuff but don’t give in, say “practice makes perfect means you’ll just have to do more washings until you get the hang of the settings” rather than “move out the way I’d be quicker doing it myself”.

@Elieza sadly i agree. I have never found laziness so unattractive until i got married and had kids!

Going to definitely use @frozendaisy suggestion - Thank you