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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Original poster

Am I Being Selfish?

24 replies

HealingHoney · 05/01/2022 16:46

So, my lover has a kid and I don’t. His son has been at his house for the past 2 weeks. They’re bonding which is totally fine but I’m starting to have an issue with boundaries. We live in different cities and I’m working all day so we try to talk at night once everything is settled down. I try to call him around 9:30/10PM because I assume by then, his 9 year old son is settled down. But when we talk, his son is normally running around the house and ignoring the fact that his dad is on the phone. Son is constantly interjecting. I assume his dad keeps me on speaker phone because Whenever I say something to the dad, the son responds to me. I understand that he is a child & requires attention, but respect should also be established. I feel as though dad should politely let his son know that he’s on the phone & he will get to him once he’s done. I just think there’s a lack of boundaries & authority. Am I being selfish for wanting undivided attention and respect during the time we’re on the phone?

OP posts:

JorisBonson · 05/01/2022 16:47

How long have you been together?

Have you met the child?

Surely you understand his child should, rightly, always come first?

Aquamarine1029 · 05/01/2022 16:49

Why stay on the phone? Tell him it's clear he's busy, hang up, and get on with your evening.

Teensbeingteens · 05/01/2022 16:49

Yeah - you're not compatible. His son rightly does come first. You should look at dating someone who doesn't have children and can put your needs first.

Santaisstilleatingmincepies · 05/01/2022 16:49

Is anyone's (lack of) parenting so bad they can't even hold a phone call though?
I would be walking away op. He isn't in the right frame of mind to have a grown up relationship.. He is too busy hanging out with his little buddy.

sadpapercourtesan · 05/01/2022 16:50

Honestly, break it off now. If you're already irritated by the presence of his child when you're on the phone to him, there's no way you're going to be able to hack the reality of his child being in his life. It's fairer to everyone if you walk away now.

Don't go into a relationship with a parent with the expectation that you'll be able to shape their relationship to suit your vision of how it should be. You'll fail, and you'll make everyone miserable in the process.

Original poster

HealingHoney · 05/01/2022 17:02

I absolutely understand that the child comes first! We’ve been together for 3 years. I just don’t quite agree with all aspects of his parenting style.

OP posts:

girlmom21 · 05/01/2022 17:04

I wouldn't be happy with my 'lover' putting me on speakerphone in front a of a child, because it makes it sound like it's a sex-based relationship.

LondonWolf · 05/01/2022 17:05

I’d be irritated too and that amongst many other reasons is why I’d never be in a relationship with a man with a young child/children.

RobertSmithsLipstick · 05/01/2022 17:05

I was with someone for 9 years, and never had a single conversation that wasn't a 3 way affair, with his daughter interrupting.

Moretodo · 05/01/2022 17:06

@Aquamarine1029 has the right idea.
If the son is clearly up and about, sign of quickly "i hear you guys are busy, enjoy your evening".

The boundary issue for me here is him sharing his calls to you, not that you are a threat, but it doesn't feel appropriate.
Maybe boyf doesn't have much self awareness.
We can like, enjoy and even love other people's children but we don't all want to talk together all of the time.

sunnyzweibrucken · 05/01/2022 17:07

I had a friend that let her dd do this whenever we were on the phone. I guess I taught my dd not to behave this way when I was on the phone, so it was annoying. I ended up just telling her i had go whenever her dd started interrupting, or call her when I knew her dd wasn't around.

I wouldn't put up with it with a dp, it would be too irritating. And would already show that we have incompatible parenting styles, which wouldn't work in the long run.

thefourgp · 05/01/2022 17:07

I have kids and I get irritated when I phone others with kids who repeatedly interrupt our conversation. I don’t let my children do it. Once is okay if it’s something urgent but putting you on speakerphone so the child can talk to you is unfair. I think it sounds like he’s trying to make you have a closer bond to his son by including his son in your calls. How much time do you normally spend with his son?

Original poster

HealingHoney · 05/01/2022 17:19

You guys are right, I can agree to talk later. I also agree with the idea of dads lack of self awareness. Although the conversation isn’t inappropriate, it is not okay to keep me on speaker phone.

OP posts:

Sidehustle99 · 05/01/2022 17:19

@Teensbeingteens

Yeah - you're not compatible. His son rightly does come first. You should look at dating someone who doesn't have children and can put your needs first.

This - you are not ready for a man with a child.

If you feel like this now HOW could you live with it (can't do 30 mins on a call) the child will be in the home and listening, you can't put them in a cupboard.

You are ringing at bedtime I don't know what you expect him to do 🤦‍♀️

eagerlywaitingfor · 05/01/2022 17:22

Whilst I agree that a parent should put their child's needs ahead of their new partner, I also think that children should learn that it is not ok to constantly demand attention by interrupting their parent when they are on the phone.

Original poster

HealingHoney · 05/01/2022 17:24

It isn’t a new relationship. It’s been 5 years. I don’t think that I come first above anyones child, but I do believe boundaries should be set between adult and child conversations.

OP posts:

Mumof3confused · 05/01/2022 17:25

Sounds really difficult. What time is the child in bed (assuming bedtimes are enforced)? Arrange to speak after that? I think 10pm is a bit too late for a 9-year-old to be still running around.

girlmom21 · 05/01/2022 17:27

@HealingHoney

It isn’t a new relationship. It’s been 5 years. I don’t think that I come first above anyones child, but I do believe boundaries should be set between adult and child conversations.

Is it 3 years or 5?

TheFoundation · 05/01/2022 17:28

but respect should also be established. I feel as though dad should politely let his son know

Have you told him what your 'shoulds' are? Not everybody's shoulds are the same. Not everybody's boundaries are the same.

Maybe a calm, quiet conversation is in order, when his son isn't around?

Original poster

HealingHoney · 05/01/2022 17:39

I have spoken to with him in regards to my “shoulds”, but as you mentioned. I think another quiet conversation should be had.

OP posts:

Sidehustle99 · 05/01/2022 17:44

After 3 or 5 years it's safe to say this relationship has fundamental lifestyle compatibility issues. I think you would be better starting fresh with someone new.

I think it's right that you should be a priority in your relationship and it's never easy with DC's but his Dc must be his priority. If that's not right for you a new start would be better.

Original poster

HealingHoney · 05/01/2022 17:59

@Sidehustle99

After 3 or 5 years it's safe to say this relationship has fundamental lifestyle compatibility issues. I think you would be better starting fresh with someone new.

I think it's right that you should be a priority in your relationship and it's never easy with DC's but his Dc must be his priority. If that's not right for you a new start would be better.

Thanks for the advice. There definitely are lifestyle compatibility issues that will probably continue on negatively impact the future of things.

OP posts:

Munchkinpumpkin · 05/01/2022 21:22

Dont u want to build any kind of relationship with his son? I would involve him in the conversation myself and speak to him, why would you not

Bluntness100 · 05/01/2022 21:25

Bit of a discrepancy there on the age of the relationship….

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