Help me. In such a dark place

[liveinhope100]

Please help me. I finally broke up with my abusive ex for the final time. We were together over 5 years. He lied, cheated and treated me so badly as the years went by. Physical abuse started when I got pregnant (even though it was planned after 3 years of trying).

Anyway now I am a single mother. I’m in such a dark place. I dream of him. I still yearn for him. I’m struggling to get motivated and be strong for my daughter.

Why does he not suffer like me? The last time we spoke I found out how happy and at peace he is without me. He now gets to sleep around freely, and live the life he wanted with all his friends. He does music and gets so much support. Where is the karma? He literally ruined me. I don’t want to eat, don’t want to talk or see friends. I’m just trying to get through each day for the sake of my daughter but I feel guilty that she has such a weak miserable mother right now.

I know I deserve better. I know he will never love or treat me the way I deserve yet I still feel like life is unbearable right now because that’s it for good. I know I will never be with him again and the finality is destroying me. I honestly never want to be with another man again. I just don’t know how to get out of this dark place mentally.

And I seem so hellbent on revenge. I want him to suffer and I know that sounds awful but why does he get to be to happy without me and I’m in pieces.

Because he's got no conscience, he thinks he's done nothing wrong.

How long has it been?

This was painful to read because I’ve been there.

He isn’t happy, someone like him can never be happy. He may appear to be having fun now but that won’t last. You need to take it one day at a time, even one hour at a time if that’s easier. Every day you get through is an achievement. You know that you are better off without him, keep telling yourself that. Your daughter doesn’t deserve to grow up in an abusive household at that hands of him, so tell yourself that you are doing this for both of you.

It will take time, but it will get easier.

It’s only a matter of time before he comes crawling back, please tell him where to go when he does.

I feel desperately sorry for you but as hard as it seems now, breaking up with him is the best thing for you and your daughter. As you’ve said yourself, you deserve better.

I was in an emotionally abusive relationship years ago and I was heartbroken when it ended - now I look back and almost feel embarrassed that I could have loved a man who treated me so badly.

Put yourself and your daughter first - you’re worth so much more than him. Take care of yourself.

Oh, I've been there. The infuriating lack of karma and justice, the desire for revenge which I then feel awful about...

I promise you he's not happy. He may not be suffering in the same way you are, but he is suffering, and probably always will.

The best revenge is to live a good life. He's not even worth your resentment. Just focus on yourself and your daughter. I know that's all way easier said than done, but I promise it will get easier. Well done for finally leaving him.

Perhaps this stage is a positive one- anger can be something that motivates?

I'm so sorry you're going through this, 99.9% of the time on mumsnet the advice is 'the best revenge is to live a happy life' your ex was an abusive piece of shit and he doesn't care about people's feeling, whether you're happy or sad seem to be of no concern to him.
Wanting revenge is good, directing bitterness and anger at him are a good thing and healthy. You've realised it's all his fault and the blame 100% solely lies with him. It's healthy you can vocalize it and you don't internalize it and it end up turning into shame. Being in an abusive relationship sometimes your mind rewires itself to make your abuser the most important person in your life. You can unwire the piece of crap out of your head. I wish you happiness and less dark days ahead. I believe you're a good person and you deserve for things to go right for you.
There's a few deep stories on Mumsnet that have always stayed with me. I believe there was a thread about survivors of family members or friends that have been murdered. A woman lost her daughter to drugs when she fell in with a drug dealer and he just watched as the daughter died and didn't lift a finger to help her as she overdosed. a few months later in their town the mum was at the traffic lights in her car as the drug dealer crossed infront of her. All she wanted to do was run this bastard over. She didnt but a few months later the prick got his comeuppance and died a drug related death. Karma does happen.

Thanks for all your messages of support and advice. I think all I can do right now is try and get through each day and hope I slowly get out of this dark place. It’s nice to feel understand, thank you to all that have commented

You're focusing on 'Why??', in the way that a child screams 'It's not FAIR!'

Did you have a rough childhood? There's a pattern in this train of thought which I'll explain (if you like), but I won't go into detail in case you had a lovely, respectful childhood where you were listened to and taught that your feelings are your main priority.

You can shift this. I've been there too, and you can choose for yourself how long it lasts. Honest. I know that sounds unlikely, but it really is down to you. You have all the power!

@TheFoundation that sounds interesting, can you elaborate?