I need some advice and guidance from people that have been through the same traumatic event as I have.
I’m a man and 8 months ago my wife had a 2 month affair. Since the affair, we have decided to stay together and make things work. But I'm finding it so difficult to move past her affair.
Over time she seems to have learnt how to control my negative thoughts and help bring me back down to earth when she can clearly see I'm feeling low. To me she is clearly doing everything she can to make things right. But in my head i cant get past it.
She says she is being honest about the affair. She says what she has told me is the truth and she isn't keeping anything back. In the early days of discovery I was drip fed information and was told one thing and for it to change and be told another. But since month 4 of d day things seem to have calmed down. She has told me how he made her feel happy and made her feel good and at times she missed him and she told this multiple times. She even though she loved him.
But now she says he meant nothing to her. The affair was a horrible mistake and she see's everything she has done and how many people she has hurt.
I have asked her what the affair and what her AP meant to her. But all I get is it was a mistake. There were no feelings for him and he and the affair meant nothing to her. She hides behind it was a mistake and she has hurt so many people. She says she would never ever do it again and has broken all contact. She has come off all social media apps and changed her number. She says she hasn’t spoken to him since the text was sent stating no contact. I don’t believe this as she would have though he deserved and explanation. She wouldn’t want him to not have a clue why and what’s happened.
But I can clearly see that she is hurting inside . She felt for him, he made her feel good and she missed him when he wasn't there. How is that a meaningless affair? She said she had no feelings for him but they are all clearly feelings aren’t they. I think she is trying to protect me and my feelings and try and say what I want to hear. But she says that that’s not the case, she has been honest even telling me about sexual activities that took place.
Around month 4 from D day she told me that she had feelings for him otherwise she would never have slept with him. But now she says she sees it was all wrong and she will do everything to make things better.
But it’s like everything she says is from the cheaters hand book
It only happened the once
He meant nothing
It was a mistake
It won’t happen again
I want to believe her so badly. But I just can’t get past her saying to me it meant nothing.
She tells me every day it meant nothing. He means nothing and she wants us to get our life back on track. But I just throw it back in her face. I feel like we are going around in circles. Because she is saying she had and has no feelings and I’m saying she does. I know I need to accept what she is saying if I want things to work, but I have been lied to and deserve the truth.
The AP is better looking than me, goes to the gym works out. He is just everything she wants and even though she says she only wants me, how is that possible as she had me and she pushed me aside for someone else. Its like she holds onto he made her happy.
I can’t get past she is saying it’s a meaningless affair that was the biggest mistake of her life. When her action say something completely different.
How do I try and accept what she is saying or should I be listening to my gut and her actions rather than her words. Because it’s very confusing. On the surface she is doing everything to right her wrong, but I just can’t see how someone that could make her so happy and she missed and though she loved can be given up and forgotten about overnight. It’s not possible.
If she is lying to me about her feelings what else is she lying about and how far will she go to lie